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| Photo by David Mapletoft |
I am a bit of a research hound, and through my real job, have become quite adept at perusing medical and scientific literature, plus I dig it. With the goal in mind to look at whether compliments were enough to wage a war against poor body image, I started to research the topic…and it turns out there is an enormous psychological field out there devoted to the social behaviors of complimenting, how they are framed, and how we respond. I was surprised to find articles such as “The Effect of Compliments on Tipping Behavior in Hairstyling Salons” (Journal of Applied Social Psychology, August 2007) by Seiter and Dutson, who took the time to look at how people tip their hairstylists if they have been complimented by them or not. Turns out customers tip more generously if they have been complimented. This validated a suspicion that I had been having for some time now. Have you ever been shopping and the sales lady says something like “Oh what great taste you have, I just love that pair of jeans on you” or has your nail technician said “That is an amazing color you picked, it looks so good on your toes!”? Is it possible that there is an employee training program that teaches sales people and service providers to blow smoke up their clients’ behinds and reap the impending benefits? Studies show it works!
In further reading, it was reported that 85% of compliments are structured in just three different ways! (Manes&Wolfson, cited in “Sociolinguistic competence in the complimenting act of native Chinese and American English speakers: a mirror of cultural value.” Yu MC, Lang Speech. 2005;48(Pt 1):91-119)
1. Sally looks/is really nice.
2. I really like/love your purse!
3. Sally is really/a great friend!
You can play around with what names, nouns or adjectives you use, but overall most compliments are structured this way. Interestingly according to these authors, we can’t just run amuck with random compliments and expect everyone to beam with joy. There is a very complex social construct related to complimenting, and we humans are pretty tuned in to assessing how genuine they are, whether they are appropriate, or if they in some way diminish us (eg. Way to go, I just loved the way you took out the garbage! You are so good at that!) At times I consciously make an effort to compliment someone, often times I am thinking it, I just don’t always say it aloud. Apparently it gives the impression that you are interested and present, something that people find safe and attractive about you. I like to use it as an ice-breaker for the “I-hardly-know-you” small talk conversations we all inevitably find ourselves in.
Just as there are common structures to compliments, this article further explains that there are 5 common responses we give when we receive a compliment:
1. Acceptance (eg. Thank you!)
2. Agreement (eg. I like it too!)
3. Disagreement (eg. Sally’s purse is really not that nice)
4. Self-Praise Avoidance (eg. I just got lucky!)
5. Comment History (eg. This old thing? My mother bought it for me at a garage sale!)
I am sure you know people in your life that can’t take a compliment and come up with many ways to deflect your kind observations. You can probably see yourself in that list somewhere too. (You can really just say “thank you”…it made the top 5 responses after all!)
I had a few friends respond personally to my wedding appearance bashing blog, who kindly reaffirmed my attractiveness, one being astute enough to comment that regardless of what she said she “knew I wouldn’t believe her.” She was right…I didn’t. This blew my compliment theory out of the water. Surely their kind words should be enough to reverse my thinking, and send me back on my way to high self esteem and grand body image. But as my researched progressed I found myself following a new line of thought.
In an article by Breines, Crocker and Garcia, entitled Self-Objectification and Well-Being in Women's Daily Lives, they explored the concept of women’s perceptions of their bodies as “objects”. They stated that in our culture, “…women learn to view their bodies as objects, focusing on how the body appears, rather than how it feels”. Most of this relates to how we react to and internalize the perceptions that others have about our appearance. The article describes the relationship of this fear of being judged unattractive, as significantly effecting a woman’s well being, and having a causal relationship to depression, eating disorders, reduced sexual enjoyment, lack of presence in the moment and ripping out all of one's pubic hair. In fact, all of the energy we spend worringin about whether those jeans make our butts look fat, reduce our mental energy and focus for other more worthwhile and rewarding pursuits. This, because a majority of us dwell over what others are thinking about how we look, or something the authors call “self conscious body monitoring”.
Some women have higher or lower self esteem, and will react to a different degree to these feelings and situations. The article mentions trying on bathing suits as a time when we either beat ourselves up or feel good about what we see in the mirror. Unfortunately, it was found that the majority of women will go negative, and avoid trying on swimsuits, or anything that feels like an “ugly” moment. Covering your behind with a sarong on the beach has very little to do with your butt being cold…admit it, you are hiding it, fearing that others will judge it negatively. As we become more appearance oriented we begin to lose sight of how our bodies feel and what we need or want. These ideals that we are comparing ourselves to are generated around us culturally, as expectations for appearance and attractiveness. It is not necessarily one moment or one word that creates this acceptable appearance model for us, but an accumulation of images, events, etc.
Bingo! Let’s come back to pubic hair for a moment. When a guy, nonchalantly tells us we are “pretty hairy down there” that becomes another aspect from which we can be judged unattractive. Surprisingly more than one woman since reading this blog has shared her own story of a sexual partner criticizing her girly landscaping. As one friend shared:
“It is…interesting to me how guys have become pubic hair connoisseurs as of late. Waxing was never on my radar until late-90s Sex-and-the-City, but at that point it was something I was aware of, but never did. I never felt like I had a whole lot of anything, but when I got to Texas I briefly dated this guy who made a comment about my being "unkempt" and it is definitely something that has bothered me since.”
Here we have another item for our internalized message of what is and what is not attractive. Hairy twat…bad. Cellulite…ugly, hide. The list is infinite, and we each have our own. Sexual satisfaction is closely linked to a woman’s ability to relax, identify her desires and how her body is feeling. Shame and anxiety caused by the fear that our nether regions are unattractive to our partners, begin to dominate our focus and ultimately reduce our sexual pleasure. Nice mood enhancer! No wonder so many women fail to orgasm. Something as trivial as pubic hair, is part of the larger issue of our body objectification. Somehow, we/I have created an attractiveness template to which we/I am constantly comparing myself to. Armed with this expectation, we put the anticipated judgments into the eyes of those who observe our bodies, and without a look or spoken word, feel their negative impression of us. “They must think this dress is ugly, because I don’t look the way I believe I should in it.”
It is not our fault that we have had the opportunities to create these templates, but it is our fault that we put so much weight into them. The study showed that women with a wider array of interests or successes put less emphasis on appearance, and could derive self esteem boosting feedback other ways. In summary they stated, “…research and education should continue to work toward providing girls and young women with the resources they need to experience their lives—their emotions, pleasures, desires, and vital energies—through their own bodies. It is perhaps only from this embodied perspective that a woman can know what she wants and possess the energy and motivation to create the life she wishes to live.”
I have found the crux of this issue. Will getting a Brazilian wax make me happier or more attractive? In the grand scheme of things, that sounds ridiculous. It is noted in the article however, that if you like the way you look, or if your look is closer to what you have been conditioned to believe is attractive, you will feel attractive. So again, maybe the girly girls are onto a little something. I would hesitate to buy into all of it however, because I would not want all my emphasis or self worth to come from how I think I look. At some point in time that will diminish despite my most skilled efforts. Perspective is in order here: perspective and acceptance. Acceptance that there is a cultural standard for attractiveness, balanced with the perspective that places it somewhere in my life that serves me positively. I can use my awareness of this cultural standard to assist me in approaching it, to feel attractive (as far as I can reasonably hope to) and also use it to guide me as to how much weight I choose to give it.
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