Don't Try to Change Me

Broken Glass by mnsc.

From the outskirts of the town,

Where of old the mile-stone stood,

Now a stranger, looking down,

I behold the shadowy crown

Of the dark and haunted wood.

It is changed, or am I changed?

Ah! The oaks are fresh and green,

But the friends with whom I ranged

Through their thickets are estranged

                                               By the years that intervene.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Enlightened individuals embrace change.  Change, to the new-agey and periodically stoned among us, reflects personal growth, itself, a method by which we evolve and free ourselves to live lives of endless happiness and fulfillment.  Alas, I must lack the gene for enlightenment and smoke far too little wacky-tabacky because I prefer to face change like a willful child, throwing myself upon the ground, screaming and pleading for the return of my old, predictable life.

I like to wake up in the morning with everything in its place.  Kind of like the movie The Truman Show, with Jim Carey.  This is this and that is that.  You go here and you say that.  The sun goes up, the sun goes down. End of story.

There is safety in "sameness".  Our primitive brains like predictability.  Change is scary, more so when we haven't sought it out or initiated it.  Change can have a mind of its own, bursting through our white-picket-fence worlds, without so much as a "Here's Johnny!" (see: The Shining), hell bent on causing chaos and destruction.

Unexpected change leads to increased levels of anxiety and stress.  Not knowing with any degree of certainty what tomorrow is going to look like at work or in relationships is unnerving. Who am I now? Who are you?  Where am I headed?  Do I want this new version of my life?

In his book, Transitions, William Bridges explains that our culture is awash with  constant change.  What most of us lack however, is the mindset to successfully navigate it.  "We come to identify ourselves with the circumstances of our lives", he writes, and many of us "... have lost faith that the transitions [we] are going through are really getting us somewhere"(aka somewhere better)  What if my life sucks after I wade through all of this crap?

According to Mr. Bridges, there are three distinct phases in any change process.  First, change always begins with an ending.  Perhaps you lost your job or your once redneck husband has hit mid-life and now meditates, naked, every morning, etc. etc.  The options are innumerable. To proceed through change, you must identify what is ending and be willing to let it go.  Clinging to old ways of doing something or old ways of being, prevent you from moving forward towards a new beginning.  If your wife suddenly develops new friendships (perchance with boys) or your husband quits his job, because the stress of it was killing him, you have to be prepared to let your old framework of expectations of how life is "supposed to be" go.  Otherwise you will be stuck.  No movement forward, no going back.

The second part of the change process is the most scary, a zone of unknowns, Mr. Bridges calls the Neutral Zone, "...before "life" resumes an intelligible pattern and direction".  (I think he should call it the "Shitty Zone") This is a lost-at-sea time, when there is nothing in sight before you and you cannot return to where you started.  You feel out of control and at the whim of external forces.  This is the time, the author shares, that "you are being slowly transformed into the person you need to be to move forward in your life". "During this time...you are receiving signals and cues...as to who you need to become to enter the next stage of your...life".

This second stage is so unnerving, most of us try and rush through it. The impatience within us, pushes us towards wanting to know the "punchline" of our change (Are we there yet?) so urgently, we try mightily to skip this crucial middle part of change.  For the change cycle to be complete however, you have to do your time in the Shitty Zone, as this is where you are actually changing.  If you skip this vital step, often you will end up recreating the same issues that brought you to your ending in the first place.  There are no 10 step programs to successfully navigate the obstacle course of transition...which sucks because I was really hoping there were.

Once you have been dragged over broken glass and smothered in vinegar in the Shitty Zone, you are closer than ever to your New Beginning.   "One day everything seems to be coming apart; the next day, life goes on...and we wonder whether we have been imagining our difficulties", Bridges writes.  (Unless of course there is tangible, physical loss, to serve a constant reminder of what has ended.)

My temper tantrum I now realize, is merely my attempt to hold on to the comfortable way I have been living.   I am clinging to the known and resisting the fear and discomfort of the unknown.  I recognize, that to move forward, I need to let go and accept the "ending", and let it happen.  Letting go will "unstick" me and free me to realize my new beginning.  This is a huge leap of faith. I have to believe that where I end up will be a better place.