Maximize Your Maximus!

Photo by Fimb.

My husband is an ass man. An ass man is a man who identifies himself as a fellow whose favorite feature on a woman, is her ass. Unfortunately for my husband, I am lacking is ass assets. Don’t get me wrong, I have an ass. I just don’t think it is a great ass. We all know what a great ass looks like. Firm, smooth and perky. My husband wisely has not weighed in on my ass nor has he told me that it falls below the ass man standards…I just know it does.


When you meet a man or woman, you can be fooled about the quality of their ass. I think that is how my husband was able to overlook this important aspect of my physicality when we first met. I had learned to disguise my ass. In fact, it is a widely reported phenomenon that depending on what sort of ass you have, you can improve the way it looks by the kind pants you wear. I think intuitively we know how to do this, as demonstrated by the common trying-on-jeans-butt-scan we do when shopping. We know instinctively whether or not jeans we wear enhance our butts. Jeans often are solely purchased by how we feel they make our butts look.


When you are out there looking for the perfect pair of jeans, there are some tips and tricks you can employ to maximize your maximus potential…gluteus maximus that is. Following is a summary of information gleaned from a variety of sources (couturecandy.com, realsimple.com, denimblog.com).


First you must be honest and determine what sort of ass you have. Asses come in all different shapes and sizes, and are related to the rest of our body shape. We will review body shapes in another blog. For simplicity we will focus on the amount of “junk in your trunk”. Most of us have an idea of what kind of ass we have. Is it a perfect ass? (Bitch, stay away from my husband!) Is it a flat, nearly absent ass? Is it a bulbous protuberant ass? If you’re not sure what kind of ass you have, ask your husband or partner. (On second thought that is probably not a great idea…just have a look in the mirror.)


Once you have honestly admitted what kind of behind you have in your possession, you may proceed to the appropriate section.


1. Itty Bitty Butt-


You should select jeans with pockets that are not too big, too long, or too low. If the pocket ends below the butt/leg line, they will make your butt look droopy. Pockets that end just there can make it look rounder. Closer fitting jeans can also make your bottom look more generous. Flap pockets, bright and angled stitching (per eHow.com) can also make it appear more J-Lo-ish. Lower rise jeans make bottoms shrink, so you might want to steer towards a mid rise jean (8-8.5 in rise from crotch to waist, usually falling several inches below the belly button). Also good for short waisted ladies.


2. Chunky Dumpster-


Low rise jeans are a maybe…when you sit down, make sure you won’t be mistaken for a plumber. If it is big and perky, you might get away with it. Low rise jeans make butts look smaller. High rises, hide bellies. Darker washes make you look skinnier. Higher (above center of the cheeks), mid-size pockets will add lift to your buttock. Stretch denim can add more support and eliminate excess denim build up below the butt, which will make it look bigger. Avoid elaborate pocket decor that will draw attention to the buttock and make it grow before our very eyes. Pockets that are too far apart will make it appear that your butt is wider. You should always wear a jean that has rear-pockets and avoid jeans that are faded in the seat to keep your backside minimized (ehow.com).


3. Concave/Flat Ass-


Flap pockets or pleating will add “dimension” according to courturecandy.com. If you stuff the pockets with Kleenex the dimension will be enhanced (kidding). This is my butt category, so I am a bit defensive. All of my jeans have flap pockets! More embellishments on the pockets or decorative stitching can add fullness. Rear seat fading can add roundness. Pockets that are lower on the jeans will lift your butt…but not too low or they will make it look saggy. Avoid super baggy jeans, especially at the base of the butt. Rise of jeans is more dependent on your overall sizing, but a mid rise jean is going to add more size whereas the low rise will take some away. Round edge pockets round the butt.


4. Droopy Dog Butt-


See flat ass strategies. Elevated, mid size or smaller, flap pocket placement. Jeans that fit more snugly towards the knee, like a boot cut also add volume and lift (lifestyle.msn). They also suggest stitching at the top of the pocket to direct the viewer’s gaze upwards, thus lifting the behind. Flashing lights may be overkill but will serve the same purpose. High fading will volumize the top. Tight jeans will push your buttock south…never go pocketless!! Higher rises will lift your butt up…low rises will likely slide right off of you!


With these tricks in place, you can optimize your posterior presentation. You can also weed through the myriad of jean stylings to find more perfect fitting and flattering jeans for your ass type. These tricks only work as long as you are clothed however. When naked, I find it necessary to turn lights off and have mastered the never-turn-away-from you side step to keep up the charade! So far my husband hasn’t said anything, so I assume it’s working!