A Vagina by Any Other Name

Black Orchid, Georgia O'Keefe Photo by ahisgett.

Vagina.  That word.  It is evoked rarely in conversation and when it is, it is spoken hesitantly, uncomfortably, most often reserved for the privacy of the doctor's office...you know, (said in a hushed whisper) the one with the stirrups.  Vagina as a name doesn't feel right, like the word is completely wrong for what it is meant to describe. Like when you meet someone whose name does not seem to match their personality.  Say a Frank who looks more like a Sam or a Jane who should have been a Kate.  Names can personify the very people or things they are attached to.  They can evoke a clear image of the essence of a "thing"...in the case of the "V" word, the name choosers missed the mark.

When I hear the word "Vagina" I think of secret things, dark and unspeakable things.  The word is rugged, mountainous, full of jagged consonants that create the image of harsh and inhospitable terrain.   "Gentlemen, I must warn you, keep your wits about you whence you enter the territory of the Vagina.  None but the bravest among you shall return!"  Only Borat's pronunciation, in the movie of the same name, "Vagine" (said with a soft, reverential french accent) can repair the brutishness of the word.

So turned off are we by this word, we as a culture manipulate it, change it, to cuter, more palatable words that are less populated with unfriendly "v's" and "g's".   Perhaps this word has tolerated too many negative stereotypes over time...perhaps as a woman, when I hear that word I am reminded of them and the insecurities that go along with them...the doctor's probing.  It makes sense that the name for this incredible and sought after body part was provided by men from a long lost time...the same men who believed the uterus floated about the female body (settling in the location of a given women's malady) and that the same uterus were it starved of sustenance (semen) (how clever these men were!), would cause female hysteria to set in.   Their distaste and primness haunts the word to this day!

In Latin, Vagina, which originated somewhere in the late 1600's, means "sheath" or "scabbard" (something one would slide a knife or sword into when they were done killing people)...a wrap around storage device if you will.  It is thought to have been considered slang in those days, eventually moving to formal adoption in later years.  If we prefer the botanical origination, it perhaps evokes greater grace and beauty, as the point at the base of a leave where it joins the stem of the plant.

Like a park whose namesake is long dead, this body part is overdue for renaming!  I propose therefore, that we rename the vagina using a much more palatable word.  A softer more equivocal word...resonate of the best virtues this blessed body part possesses.  One less likely to be avoided in polite conversation.  One we would speak openly, happily, so loving the word, we might even overuse it.   It must evoke pleasurable feelings like the word "Chocolate" or comfort like we feel uttering, "Fuzzy Slippers".  The mere mention of the word should relax us and remind us of all the good things the vagina does, not all the icky things historically associated with it.

Here is a sampling of the new names I pondered:

1.  Shenis:  Like the male counterpart, but more obviously female.
2.  Lovey:  Like the security blanket of small children, what greater comfort could a word connote?
3.  Missliscious:  Takes away the "ick" factor.
4.  Cozylala:  Warm and whimsical at the same time, like a feminine protection commercial.
5.  Delores:  A cousin for Clitoris.
6.  Excipite:  Welcome! in Latin.
7.  Pulchra:  Beautiful in Latin. (There were so many other positive Latin names available!)

As I pondered all of these possibilities, trying hard to stay away from common slang or terms with negative connotation, (I admit it was difficult to find a word that embodied the plethora of characteristics I was trying to capture), I considered linguistic origin, consonant structure and the myriad of other traits a word might present when mouthed.  The more I thought, the more one name kept returning to my mind.  I dismissed it at first, but the thought grew persistent, and thus it gradually began to grow on me.  This name is currently possessed by an embodiment of the feminine.  At once strong and independent with a balance of softness and invitation.

"Scarlett Johansson"

What do you think?? Isn't it perfect! Try it on for size...say it a few times and feel how easily it rolls off your tongue.  Scarlett...synonymous with color, vibrant and lively red.  Johansson, sister of Johnson, Hairy if you will.  There is strength of will and infinite delicacy bundled into perfect harmony with this simple name.  Imagine if your gynecologist were to say, "I shall now insert the speculum into your Scarlett Johansson.".  I can imagine myself more able to relax, my knees falling open.  Or if your lover were to utter, "Darling...may I touch your Scarlett Johansson?"  I would be unable to resist so imbued with sexuality and femininity is the name.

I am not sure how we would go about an official name change...a vote might be required.  If we were to, en masse, start using the word more commonly, it might kick start the wheels of change, and our blessed nether regions would finally have a name worthy of all of her ethereal charms.