Sunday, June 24, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Relational Aggression: 9 Steps to Help Our Daughters
"I've had my fair share of fists, scoffs, and rebuffs and they only served to create a large wall around me and between well-meaning people - family and potential friends..."
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| Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography. |
When she arrives home, I ask as nonchalantly as I can muster, "So were you friends today?" (meaning with the ringleader)
"Yes," she replies neutrally, so used to the ebb and flow of her friendships she is neither excited nor surprised by the accepted flux.
"That's good", I reply, trying to sound positive and supportive. We have had this conversation before. We are working on it. Working on her, ourselves as parents. This "mean girl" issue doesn't seem like a big deal to many, a right of passage, normal behavior.
Our final meeting with her teacher touched briefly upon her social struggles this year, the teacher herself, seemed exhausted from a long year of dealing with this. I really like my daughter's teacher. She is wonderful and experienced. Her demeanor is calm and she exudes an aura of wisdom. I trust her and look desperately to her for reassurance that my daughter will be okay, that she is okay. This cycle of relational aggression is repeated year over year and so this is not the first time this woman has seen these inter-girl dynamics. She shared that this group had had it worse than most and that she was hopeful (but not overly confident) things would improve by fifth grade.
In a moment of clarity, she addressed my daughter directly about an issue that occurred when the "number two lieutenant" had thrown a book at my daughter and told her she was always going to be stupid. The girl at the time had lied, saying that it didn't happen. The teacher shared with my daughter that she had known the girl had been lying, but it was not her job as a teacher to accuse other kids of lying. I get that, but perhaps this guiding edict itself facilitates "mean girl" behavior. Perhaps our societal disciplinary hesitance somehow emboldens them with the knowledge that there will be no consequences. It is pretty commonly known that teachers, coaches, or caregivers cannot call other kids out without taking a huge personal risk for some outlandish, hyper-protective backlash.
I recall coaching a high school girl's volleyball team many years ago. This particular group of girls came from a highly affluent community and stereotypical, spoiled behaviors came with them. As a coach I felt tremendous pressure to avoid expressing my honest assessment of some of these girls' behavior...it wasn't allowed. I would literally dream at night that I pushed one nightmarish stand-out up against a wall, spilling my frustrated guts, telling her in a stream of profanity, what I really thought of her.
Once, I benched a player who was berating her fellow team mates during a match. Her behavior was so negatively effecting the whole team, we were getting our asses kicked. As she sat brooding at the end of the bench, we went on a point run and came back to tie the game. Her wealthier than God father stormed up to me after the game, finger pointing, screaming at me, "How dare you bench my daughter!!" He shoved the head coach, it was quite a spectacle. (Apple, I would like you to meet tree...)
I stressed at games as not only was I expected to win, but also expected to play every girl "enough" to stop their parents from freaking out. After one particularly frustrating practice, I gathered the girls in a circle on the gym floor, and very quietly said, "You are the most disrespectful group of girls I have ever met." I gathered my things and proceeded to walk out of the gym, leaving them there as I drove home.
I am continuing to educate myself about relational aggression and am in the midst of reading Queen Bees and Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman. In this book, she not only explores the concept of relational aggression, but also shares some strategies for parents including ways to keep our daughters talking. Here are some of the key strategies that so far, my family is employing to deal with this issue. (Some of these are adapted from the books "Odd Girl Out" and "Queen Bees" and some come from strategies that have worked for our family)
1. Listening openly and calmly.
It is hard not to want to hurt somebody when your sweet child sits tearfully before you spilling her guts about some heart breaking hurt inflicted upon her. If your daughter gets a sense that you are enraged or worse, ready to run out and confront somebody (her worst nightmare) she will stop talking. The isolating nature of relational aggression makes it very important that your daughter have someone she trust to talk to. In Queen Bees, the author even suggests that if you can't be that person or if your daughter thinks you can't then you need to be prepared to help her find someone who can be.
2. Don't judge.
Yup, that same girl who made your daughter's day a living hell, could very well be sitting across from you at your dinner table that same evening. Whether I understand it or not, my daughter does not want to divorce herself of these mean girls...she wants them to accept her. She wants to resolve their issues. If I tell her that these girls aren't welcome at our house or that she can't hang out with them anymore, I will have created the very situation she fears the most...isolation. I have to force myself not to label these girls and we now say things like, "People can change, and let's give so-and-so a chance to show us if she has."
I do guide these interactions somewhat however, particularly if my daughter starts talking about another classmate. In front of both girls I will say, " I am happy you two are getting along today, but I don't think we should be talking behind someone's back." We review how each of them would feel if someone were talking about them. I also realize that whatever my daughter might say, can be relayed back to the ringleader and used as currency for increased ingratiation by the lieutenants.
3. Identify your baggage.
One of the hardest things for me is identifying how my own mean girl history weighs upon my actions and reactions. I have to be careful not to bring my own experiences into these issues in such a way as to cloud my daughter's individual experience and my reactions to them. Doing this can stop me from "hearing" her and make me jump to conclusions that might not be productive. I can use these experiences however, as sharing points designed to support her with the knowledge that this isn't just happening to her.
4. Be sympathetic first.
Before you start blaming your daughter for causing this situation or pointing out her social failings, tell her you are truly sorry she feels this way and that this is happening to her. After getting off on the wrong, "what's wrong with you?" foot, I backtracked, pulled my daughter aside and told her "I have to apologize to you. I haven't been as helpful to you as I should have been because I really did not understand how hard this situation is for you. I want you to know that I now understand that this has been very difficult for you and I am so sorry that you are experiencing this." Her face lit up and I believe this admission was a turning point in her feelings of isolation, giving her greater strength to face it head-on.
5. Set a good example.
If you gossip about other women...cut it out. Kids are mirrors. Teach her to reflect the behaviors you ideally want her to possess.
6. Work with your daughter to create an action plan.
Before you run out and yell at the bully's mom, unless there is an immediate safety issue, clear it with your daughter first. In Queen Bees, the author states that the very fact that your daughter is sharing an issue with you suggests she wants your help. Help, however, comes in many different forms and includes listening, empathizing, problem solving, and only as a very last resort, direct action. My personal feeling is that supporting my daughter and giving her the verbal tools and confidence to confront these problems is far more important than running out and accusing another mom of poor parenting. Discuss with your daughter the degree of involvement she feels comfortable with you having...and respect her wishes.
7. Covertly design positive social interactions.
Even though I am trying to forgive the mean girls, that doesn't mean I can't engage in a little social engineering. I am aware of the girls in her life that seem kind and on the same playing field as my daughter and am making a conscious effort to put my daughter into social situations with these girls. Similarly, I am not going to go out of my way to connect her with the mean girls. This includes her extracurricular activities which we now actively choose knowing that they do not have any of her classmates in them. Often with relational aggression situations, arbitrary targets find new found social acceptance upon being removed from the adverse one.
8. Allow her to express her anger and defend herself.
This will likely be more controversial, particularly as noted in the above mentioned books, girls are conditioned to avoid aggression. We have given our daughter the permission to use physical means ("Knock 'em down.") if she has exhausted "her words" or other support avenues. This permission relates mostly to her personal body space and control. Bullies bully girls they think they can bully.
Recently, a girl at school was repeatedly pulling her shirt front down, trying to expose her chest on the play ground. After three times, and after asking the girl each time to stop, my daughter hauled off and punched the offender in the arm. The girl immediately threatened to tell the teacher (a threat that usually paralyzes most kids), whereupon my daughter replied "Go ahead. I will just let her know what you were doing before I hit you." (I am SO proud!) The shirt puller slunk away, miffed, but with a clear understanding that my daughter will not tolerate invasions of her personal space.
9. Give her tools and support, but let her navigate her way through this.
As difficult as it is to watch our children grow up and move away from our protective reach, life isn't always kind and she needs to learn how to deal with the reality of that. Each of our daughters need to learn how to respond to and place these experiences within a point of reference that will serve them as they move forward in life. She will survive these days, and if given the confidence to do that without an hysterical, hyper-parent, she can gain some valuable life skills.
The work we had begun has shown signs of paying off, and our daughter seems to be handling all of this better. She approached the second lieutenant recently at a community event. This girl was dressed provocatively, showing off her cell phone skills, wearing makeup and hanging with like minded girls. My daughter on the other hand was dressed as a 10 year old jock. I immediately grew anxious, fearful that they would reject my daughter. As it turns out, my daughter rejected them, coming back stating, "Holy cow! She is acting like she is 15 or something! On her phone! Twirling her hair! Wearing tons of makeup!" (Again...so proud!!)
We will have to see how things pan out in 5th grade. My ultimate goal this summer is to help build up a daughter strong enough to stand up for herself and self assured enough to not let what these girls say matter.
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