Maximize Your Maximus!

Photo by Fimb.

My husband is an ass man. An ass man is a man who identifies himself as a fellow whose favorite feature on a woman, is her ass. Unfortunately for my husband, I am lacking is ass assets. Don’t get me wrong, I have an ass. I just don’t think it is a great ass. We all know what a great ass looks like. Firm, smooth and perky. My husband wisely has not weighed in on my ass nor has he told me that it falls below the ass man standards…I just know it does.


When you meet a man or woman, you can be fooled about the quality of their ass. I think that is how my husband was able to overlook this important aspect of my physicality when we first met. I had learned to disguise my ass. In fact, it is a widely reported phenomenon that depending on what sort of ass you have, you can improve the way it looks by the kind pants you wear. I think intuitively we know how to do this, as demonstrated by the common trying-on-jeans-butt-scan we do when shopping. We know instinctively whether or not jeans we wear enhance our butts. Jeans often are solely purchased by how we feel they make our butts look.


When you are out there looking for the perfect pair of jeans, there are some tips and tricks you can employ to maximize your maximus potential…gluteus maximus that is. Following is a summary of information gleaned from a variety of sources (couturecandy.com, realsimple.com, denimblog.com).


First you must be honest and determine what sort of ass you have. Asses come in all different shapes and sizes, and are related to the rest of our body shape. We will review body shapes in another blog. For simplicity we will focus on the amount of “junk in your trunk”. Most of us have an idea of what kind of ass we have. Is it a perfect ass? (Bitch, stay away from my husband!) Is it a flat, nearly absent ass? Is it a bulbous protuberant ass? If you’re not sure what kind of ass you have, ask your husband or partner. (On second thought that is probably not a great idea…just have a look in the mirror.)


Once you have honestly admitted what kind of behind you have in your possession, you may proceed to the appropriate section.


1. Itty Bitty Butt-


You should select jeans with pockets that are not too big, too long, or too low. If the pocket ends below the butt/leg line, they will make your butt look droopy. Pockets that end just there can make it look rounder. Closer fitting jeans can also make your bottom look more generous. Flap pockets, bright and angled stitching (per eHow.com) can also make it appear more J-Lo-ish. Lower rise jeans make bottoms shrink, so you might want to steer towards a mid rise jean (8-8.5 in rise from crotch to waist, usually falling several inches below the belly button). Also good for short waisted ladies.


2. Chunky Dumpster-


Low rise jeans are a maybe…when you sit down, make sure you won’t be mistaken for a plumber. If it is big and perky, you might get away with it. Low rise jeans make butts look smaller. High rises, hide bellies. Darker washes make you look skinnier. Higher (above center of the cheeks), mid-size pockets will add lift to your buttock. Stretch denim can add more support and eliminate excess denim build up below the butt, which will make it look bigger. Avoid elaborate pocket decor that will draw attention to the buttock and make it grow before our very eyes. Pockets that are too far apart will make it appear that your butt is wider. You should always wear a jean that has rear-pockets and avoid jeans that are faded in the seat to keep your backside minimized (ehow.com).


3. Concave/Flat Ass-


Flap pockets or pleating will add “dimension” according to courturecandy.com. If you stuff the pockets with Kleenex the dimension will be enhanced (kidding). This is my butt category, so I am a bit defensive. All of my jeans have flap pockets! More embellishments on the pockets or decorative stitching can add fullness. Rear seat fading can add roundness. Pockets that are lower on the jeans will lift your butt…but not too low or they will make it look saggy. Avoid super baggy jeans, especially at the base of the butt. Rise of jeans is more dependent on your overall sizing, but a mid rise jean is going to add more size whereas the low rise will take some away. Round edge pockets round the butt.


4. Droopy Dog Butt-


See flat ass strategies. Elevated, mid size or smaller, flap pocket placement. Jeans that fit more snugly towards the knee, like a boot cut also add volume and lift (lifestyle.msn). They also suggest stitching at the top of the pocket to direct the viewer’s gaze upwards, thus lifting the behind. Flashing lights may be overkill but will serve the same purpose. High fading will volumize the top. Tight jeans will push your buttock south…never go pocketless!! Higher rises will lift your butt up…low rises will likely slide right off of you!


With these tricks in place, you can optimize your posterior presentation. You can also weed through the myriad of jean stylings to find more perfect fitting and flattering jeans for your ass type. These tricks only work as long as you are clothed however. When naked, I find it necessary to turn lights off and have mastered the never-turn-away-from you side step to keep up the charade! So far my husband hasn’t said anything, so I assume it’s working!

Slut or Gardener?

Photo by ktylerconk.

There are certain times that my lack of girly-girlness is more apparent than others. At times I am right on the money, and at others way off track. Take last night for example. I attended one of those kitchen versions of the Tupperware party, with a group of women that I did not know well. Using some of my recently acquired fashion and girly-girl skills I dressed up a smidge. Per our list of must haves for the wardrobe I wore my denim skirt and a simple black top. I wore a little bit of make up (but recall thinking whilst I applied my eye shadow, “What is the purpose of this stuff!”). When I entered the room, I realized immediately I was dressed significantly differently than the other guests that night. Most were very conservative with simple outfits, no makeup and floral patterns.

Very few of the women actively engaged me. (I am now more observant of these things due to this blog, as I look for writing fodder). I felt like the slut who had entered a room of church-goers. It took a while for a few of them to begin chit chatting with me and these were women I have met in the past. None of the new woman I was introduced to spent any time talking to me, and barely attempted to make eye contact. This goes to show you how much of an impression our outfitting creates!

What was I thinking? I was off to buy kitchen utensils…the denim skirt was the wrong call! I would have stood out less wearing pajamas! Then today, I dropped my daughter off for a birthday party. I wore a pair of jeans (not THE pair of jeans, but a suitable pair none-the-less) and a knock-off vintage tee (sort of keeping to the list). My hair was poorly coiffed in a plane jane pony, and my face void of make-up. My fashion sunglasses were poised on the top of my head, and my Brazilian flip-flops completed the look. I usually drop off at these parties and bolt, relishing the few hours of no responsibility afforded by these events. This time though, I stuck around for awhile.

The hostess offered me a glass of wine, which normally I would have refused, due to my bolting history, but instead accepted the proffered refreshment. I immediately regretted my decision. Unlike last night, I was now the most underdressed female. There was makeup, cleavage and accessorizing. At some point during conversation I apologized for my look by letting everyone know I had been gardening.

I have to learn something from these experiences. How do you know how to dress? I can’t look cool all the time, or can I? Did the women at the birthday party look like this all day, or did they prep for the party? Why were the woman at the kitchen party so plainly dressed, it was a party too wasn’t it?

I suppose I have to determine with the look I choose to don for the day, how I would feel if I were to run into someone I know or whom I care about their opinion of me. Take the kitchen party for example. I should have known women interested in kitchen parties were more conservative, and likely more plainly dressed. A pair of jeans and vintage tee would have really been a better choice. On the other hand, the birthday party parents I know to be a social, appearance aware group for the most part. The denim skirt and top would have fit right in. Somehow I got my outfits mixed up. So the Tupperware group thinks I am a slut and the birthday party group thinks I am white trash. I am allowed to use that term, as a former friend once confided in a mutual friend, that my husband and I were a little bit too white trash for her, and not the “kind of” people she wanted to be friends with. Needless to say we are friends no longer. I am still baffled by how I fit into the definition of white trash, and will have to blog about that some day.

Underlying all of this indecision and consternation is the fact that I lack self confidence in wardrobe and outfitting decisions. I am untrained. I grew up very poor and with gross familial dysfunction, and thus lack the necessary experience and self esteem boosting past. I am like the country bumpkin that marries rich and never fits in with the new class because she simply doesn’t speak their language. I am learning much about myself and my preconditioning as I write this blog. As with the Object to Ugly post (about female objectification, or appearance emphasis) I have created an image of what I think I should look like to fit in. Messages over my life time from those more privileged than I both financially and emotionally, have been you are less than me, you don’t do that right or you are not as worthy as I. We all know that woman to woman interactions can be very dodgy. I recall in grade school the popular, middle class girls, mocking me, as the most desired boy in the school had a crush on me, the “little poor girl”. “How can he like someone who wears the same clothes every day??” they taunted. Bitches! I was happy to find one of them working the drive- through window at McDonald’s years later.

I still feel as if I don’t get it right, but I am learning. Part of this journey is about rescuing the little girl I used to be, when I had no control over how I looked or what I wore. I’ll be damned if my children are judged the same way, through no fault of their own. I am imparting these lessons upon my children, most particularly my daughter. I help her outfit and tell her about the importance of brushing her hair and wearing matching clothes.

These last two parties were great learning experiences. From the kitchen party, I now know that certain kinds of parties fit better with certain kinds of clothing. I also came away with some great gadgets to enhance my limited cooking skills, so I’ve got that going for me. If I don’t want the mom’s of my daughters’ peers to think I am a full time gardener, I should probably make an effort when I know I will be seeing them. Oddly, I am not offended by the necessity for this type of thinking. Whether I love it or hate it, judging someone based upon appearances is a thread tightly woven into the fabric of our culture. I am a successful, smart and capable woman. I need to dress the part!

What's in Your Jeans?

Photo by Evan Cooper.

In the recent list of the “Top 20 Items...",  the most important item was the “Perfect Pair of Jeans”.  I really was pretty ignorant to the nature of denim.  To be honest I didn’t realize that the jeans I was buying could be made of different types and quality of denim. I had noticed jeans that would stretch out more after I would wear them, but let myself believe that I was actually getting skinnier as the day went on. There was also the obvious price tag difference. I attributed that more to designer and name branding versus the type of fabric.  Not so, it turns out. When I started researching denim, I found yet again, a huge amount of knowledge available on this topic.

Denim is primarily made of cotton fibers, but there can be a lot of variation with addition of synthetic fibers, silk and elastic products. Cotton has the notorious reputation for shrinking, stretching and dyed cotton can fade over time and with repeated washings. The jeans in your closet will respond the same way as other items of clothing made from cotton to use and abuse. Drying in a heated dryer can have the same impact on your favorite pair of jeans, as it does on a cotton sweater. You may find your jeans length changing over time to floods or high waters, whatever term you use to describe overly short jeans.   Apparently, full length pants should fall below your ankle.

Like many tidbits of fashion conciousness, I learned this only recently.  I am taller than average but right in between regular and tall sizing. I thought the fact that the hem of my jeans reached the floor was a bad thing, so I would err to the regular side to protect the bottom of my jeans. Friends at a book club one evening, were exchanging some jeans. The soon to be new owner was trying on a cool pair of worn jeans, and turned to the group asking, “How do they look?”. I thought they fit really well, but the rest of the group chimed in that they were too short…hitting her at the ankle. I noticed immediately that the jeans I was wearing at the time were shorter on me than her try-ons were…in some ways I feel that they had arranged this subtle jeans tutorial for my benefit as they had noticed my ill fitting jeans for a number of years.

FTC the fashion guru, prefers a type of denim called raw denim with a selvedge edge. When he told me this I nodded knowingly, hiding my utter lack of knowledge as to what he was talking about. I had never even seen or heard the word selvedge before. I researched a number of sites and found that the selvedge part refers to how the cotton fibers are woven to create denim. They use older techniques on older looms that create a continuous and finished edge, that does not require sewing to stop it from fraying. The fabric is fray resistant and thus more durable. When you look in the inside seams of the leg of your jeans, you can tell if it is selvedge or not by the lack of stitching on the denim edges. This form of weaving is more labor intensive and therefore raises the cost of the denim and hence that of your jeans.

Raw denim refers to the dying treatment that the denim fibers are exposed to. In raw denim there is no washing or manipulation of the color of the jeans at all after the dying and manufacturing process. This leaves the color of the jeans deeper and darker. The jeans will seem stiffer as well as they have not been manipulated like stone wash denim for example, which is literally washed/laundered with pumice stones or treated with an organic enzyme that breaks down the cotton fibers. Over time and wear, raw denim will fade and soften. Aficionados claim that you achieve a more body matching fit with this type of denim. Washing instructions for raw denim involve avoiding any laundering for up to 6 months while you wear the jeans. This could get pretty sketchy depending on how well worn your jeans are over this 6 month period. The more vigorous the wearing, the sooner you should do us all a favor and wash them.

Suggested washing does not involve a washing machine or dryer, that would be raw denim blasphemy! Rather you are to soak your raw denim in a tub of lukewarm water with a small amount of mild detergent. You must then proceed to manually agitate your jeans until any dirt, grime, or odor is removed. Rinse the jeans until the suds disappear, and hang to dry (from squidoo.com). Brands that provide this type of denim are Envisu, Nudie, Naked and Famous and even Levi’s has a selvedge edge, raw denim pair.

Higher quality denim tends to hold its shape and fit better than less expensive denim. Sadly much of the American denim out there is considered poor quality. The bigger your jeans get when you wear them the lower the quality of denim. Japanese denim is very popular with jean lovers for its’ superior quality. You can check out this link for more detailed information on Japanese denim: http://www.askmen.com/fashion/fashion_blog/6_fashion_blog.html

Some differences noted in higher quality denim fabrics besides the weave are the type of dye used. Synthetic indigo is used primarily in the industry, but some premier manufacturers use natural indigo. This creates a more vibrant color, which may even have a slight green hue. Typical cotton fabrics when dyed are dipped 6 times in their dye, but some Japanese denim makers dip up to 30 times, creating a deeper and richer color. Stone washing or aging techniques that involve laundering (a finishing term used to describe the numerous things that can be done to jeans and denim to give you a vast array of faded and worn appearances) can actually shorten the life span of the jeans as these procedures can reduce the strength of the fabric. Acid washing, developed in the mid 80’s, involves laundering the jeans with pumice stones soaked in chlorine!

From a fashion standpoint, raw denim or more subtle washes tend to be more versatile in how you can wear them. There are limited occasions that torn or faded jeans can be worn. As mentioned before, finishes like acid washing, colored denim (besides black) or the sort of dirty looking washes come in and out of vogue. I would avoid investing in these jeans if you have a limited budget, otherwise they will have shortened membership in your collection. I have recommended some designers to help you find the perfect pair of jeans in the Top 20 blog. Check them out. I just bought a pair of AG jeans (Adriano Goldschmeid) online (I am taking my chances, against my own advice I know) from the online fashion clearinghouse of Gilt.com for half price. I’ll let you know how they fit.

Up next: "What is your body type?" We’ll use this information to help you figure out the best style and cut of jeans for you.

The Top 20 Things Every Girl Should Have in Her Closet

Photo by Itzafineday

Never have anything to wear? This list of 20 essential items creates the foundation for a great clothing “collection”, and will put you well on your way to easy outfitting. Filling your closet with items that fit, reflect your personal style, that are well made, and that make you feel good wearing them, is essential for the creation of a great look. Wearing clothes with confidence will enhance any outfit.

Just like any great “collection”, wardrobe hunting takes time and patience. Some of these items may inhabit your closet for many years, so choose wisely. Included is a brief summary of what you should be looking for in each category and why this item made the list.

1. The Perfect Pair of Jeans.

This item is at the top of the list primarily because of the versatility of this piece in the collection. The right pair of jeans can transition from a relaxed casual look to a sexy dressy look with a simple change in presentation. FTC recommends premium denim (pricier but the fit and quality make it a lasting item), preferably darker, but a subtle wash is okay too. Acid wash, cut-up or boyfriend style jeans have limited use, and in some cases are brief trends not worthy of investment by the more limited budget. Joes Jeans, Rock and Republic, AG jeans, Paige (ranked high for great fit), and 7 for All Mankind are a few brands that offer a variety of styles in higher quality denim. Prepare to invest $150.00 or more for a decent pair (remember for lower budgets buying one quality item versus 10 less expensive items will result in a longer lasting wardrobe).

Buy the right length and the right waist. Great sales reps can help you in that department. In some of these higher end jeans, sizing will vary. I can fit easily into Joe’s jeans but Rock and Republic lack enough thigh space for me. Like bra shopping, prepare to spend some time trying on a number of brands and styles before you buy the perfect pair. Different body shapes look better in different styles of jeans like boot cut, skinny, straight-leg, boyfriend etc. Pocket styles and different stylings can also highlight or minimize certain body parts. I have a flat butt for example, and a rear pocket with a tab- top, makes it look rounder.

2. White Blouse.
FTC recommends a plain, fitted shirt (not skin tight and not a potato sack like either). Remember white can be disposable so this item may be one that you replace on an annual basis depending on how much you wear it. This item also has a great deal of versatility and it matches everything! It can easily be dressed up with the right jewelry, a pretty scarf, or a cool belt. It will look great with your new jeans too!

3. The Perfect Black Dress.

Ahh, the endless hunt for the little black dress! Again FTC goes for a simple design in the cocktail variety. Not overly formal, but something that would be appropriate to wear to a wedding and an evening soiree with similar ease. Crazy embellishments or neck details are not necessary. Let your jewelry do the dressing up or down for you. He recommends mid length for versatility and look for an elegant design.

4. Black Leather Boots.

These can be very versatile items, available in a variety of styles. FTC is a bit of a boot hound, and he admits to collecting boots. He recommends something “slightly threatening” in style. To translate, look for boots that make a bold statement. A higher length boot can be worn with skirts or over jeans in a variety of looks. Ankle or mid length boots add a dressy touch to pants. A mid calf, heavy soled, buckled embellished boot offers a strong impression.

5. Denim Mini-Skirt.

FTC calls this look “casually seductive”. There are lots of styles, so try on different ones until you find one that flatters your form. Simple is better again for longevity. Even if you are not accustomed to wearing a shorter skirt (short for me means mid thigh) you might be surprised how often you wear this, for the slightly dressier evening, a first date or just out and about. It is super simple to maintain, and anything matches! Pair this with your white blouse and tall black leather boots, and voila, an effortless, classic outfit!

6. Capri Khakis.

FTC has always loved this look. He suggests that you avoid pleats. Like the perfect pair of jeans, look for the most flattering cuts, pocket styles etc. This again can be paired with many different items for casual or mid range dressy looks.

7. Vintage T-Shirts.

“This is not something you would wear for yard work or to the gym”, says FTC. “This would be something you would see a celebrity wearing in a photograph catching them ducking out of an LA café.” Look for vintage styles, often found in boutiques. Printing should be subtle, and the material worn, almost threadbare looking. Plastering an old logo on a new shirt does not achieve the right look. The more unique the better.

8. Black Cashmere Sweater.

FTC recommends a close fitting, simple version. This look is classic and warm! Cashmere can be on the expensive side and does require proper care and cleaning. Regular laundering will destroy it! I have been a wash and wear girl for quite some time, as I am a lazy at dry-cleaning, and have destroyed my share of clothing.

9. Hooded Sweat Shirt.

FTC ranks this item very high on the list. He suggests a close fitting style again, not a jumbo baggy one. Try wearing it over a vintage tee with your awesome jeans, and your slightly threatening boots, and you have a great casual outfit.

10. Unique Sandals.

“Something that is functional but has a unique style, not something that everyone else is wearing”, says FTC. He prefers open toe, perhaps a wedge, and something that makes a statement. I have observed this look on a few women who are wearing a typical outfit like shorts and vintage tee, then on their feet they have an open toed wedged sandal, perhaps with the straps that wrap up their legs, and gosh darn they look great! Don’t be afraid of heels, even if you are tall. I am tall and often would buy flat shoes to hide my height. FTC has taught me to highlight this as a great physical feature. I have to admit, it is kind of cool to come towering into a room.

11. Short Button-Up Jacket.

FTC candidly shares that this style lets your butt show, and he likes it. Pair this with the jeans you bought that flatter your behind, and you have a great look. He suggests that a faux fur collar on this jacket can be flattering as well.

12. Big Buckled Belt.

“Don’t get gaudy”, cautions FTC. I would suggest in investing in multiple leather colors as well to transition with your outfits. Our outfits are building: great pair of jeans, white blouse, short button up jacket, big buckled belt and hot black boots.

13. Movie Star Sunglasses.

“Never wear sporty glasses unless you are participating in a sport”, FTC says. There is something mysterious and intelligent about the look. Avoid going over the top with blinged-out eye wear. Choose a shape that fits your face. FTC likes round, but that doesn’t look good on everyone. The general point I think, is an oversized lens area.

14. Black Leather Jacket.

This again can offer a lot of versatility. Choose high quality leather and an interesting cut. Perhaps look for longer sleeves. This will look great with your jeans or over your cashmere sweater. Longevity of styling is important. Look for fit and style that hits at waist or to the mid thigh. This will be another big investment in the wardrobe, so take your time and choose wisely.

15. A Go-To Purse.

This is a realm that FTC admits he possesses a blind spot for.  My mother used to always buy the same style of black leather purse every few years whey they wore out. This is how I learned purse shopping   Some women collect purses and buy them ferociously. I visit a few designer outlet stores online where great deals can be found on pricey designer brand clothing and accessories (see the noteworthy site list). When purses come out from Prada or Burberry, within minutes of opening to shoppers, all of them are gone! .  Purses are a safe buy…as an accessory, they won’t necessarily break an outfit, but they can make it. The number and quality of purses you buy is up to you.

16. Long Dress with High Slit.

FTC loves this look. This is something that hints at what lies beneath and can create a dramatic impression. He calls it a “tease”. We are not talking trashy here however. Simple and elegant are your key phrases once again. When a more formal event pops up, this is a great item to have on hand.

17. Dangly Earring.

“This isn’t something you see your crazy aunt wearing.” FTC is not picky here however. The length and style of the earrings can vary and finish an outfit nicely.

18. Daring Hat.

The first image that comes to mind is the wide brimmed straw hat. This is not the kind of hat we are recommending however. FTC prefers engineer caps for example. I have several friends who have these funky, cool hats, they add to their dressy casual outfits, and I love the way it looks. I have always been a little shy to go there, but hey I have a denim mini skirt and I like it, so I will give it a try.

19. Ribbed Tank Top.

Hard to imagine the traditional “wife beater” tank top can be fashionable, but men like FTC find this look very sexy. Colors can vary but is should be fitted. Bra straps showing is fine these day, but I recommend getting some skinning strap, colored bras to create a more interesting look.

20. Weird Necklaces.

Again not something you see your crazy aunt wearing or cheap costume jewelry. Funky necklaces that make a statement and that can transform an outfit from casual to dressy, just like that.


Remember that this is a starting point. You can have a very clear inventory here on what pieces you have and build from there. There is also a huge amount of room for individual styling. From conservative to flamboyant, you can find a range of possibilities within each item. You can begin to fill in the holes of your collection and build on the basics with items that you love and reflect your personality.

The Collection

Photo by Jorge Frangonillo

I am certain I am not the only woman who walks into her closet and hates what she sees. “I have nothing to wear” is a statement women are born knowing. Even my young daughter complains of having nothing to wear, despite her overflowing dresser drawers. The simple truth is that we all have things to wear, we have just run out of ways to put things together Some of us have a variety of sizes in our wardrobe, our favorites are wearing out, the clothes have shrunk/we have grown (either way of looking at it is fine for the purposes of this blog) or we are so disorganized we can’t recall our closet inventory.

Some of you may recall my fashion expert friend, FTC (see blog Men in Tights, the Height of Fashion). A fashion forward fellow, I sought him out for advice regarding this age old conundrum. How do I manage my wardrobe? How do I know what to buy that I will look great in and love to wear? Are you moving things out annually or do you keep things from high school? Will you be my personal shopper?

I tried to appear calm and cool when I probed him with these questions, after all it is embarrassing to be a woman ignorant of one of the most fundamental girly girl skills…shopping! In our recent shopping poll, most of the respondents were not in love with shopping, it was a chore, something done out of necessity. Here is a fellow who can pick out the perfect Versace dress or black leather jacket for his wife. Her wardrobe in large part is due to him, he shops for her, for he knows what he loves and what women look great in.

My closet is a cluster of blues and beiges. Sales rack purchases hang, unworn, with tags still attached. These deals were too good to pass up! Clothing I bought in anticipation of reaching the next size down, are still one size too small. I used to shop without trying stuff on…somehow that works with my kids, but it does not work for me. I buy everything individually, a pair of pants here, a shirt there, without pairing things together or having a plan for how they will fit into my wardrobe. I leave that to the last minute when I enter my disorganized mess of a closet and try to figure out if I have something that matches. This is when I deflate and think…I have nothing to wear! If I could have all of the money back I wasted on these impulsive purchases, I too could own a Versace dress!

Let’s begin with organization. FTC refers to his wardrobe as a “collection”. I really liked this term for some reason. It relates to the way people collect things that for them, have special meaning or value, like porcelain unicorns or beer steins. Clothing is a large part of your presentation to the outer world, and how we dress communicates so much about us. It would make sense that we invest the time and thought to fill our “collections” with items that are special to us, or at least enhance our lives in some way. Collectors focus on particular items that they seek, and seldom venture from this mission. They can identify the types of stores that sell unicorns, and therefore seek them out. When shopping for clothing, the same is true. Random shopping cannot fulfill your desire for the perfect wardrobe, it will simply continue to contribute to the chaotic, frustrating mess, you face every day.

For FTC, his collection is an organized assemblage of carefully selected clothing, whose contents he is fully aware of at all times. He seldom goes shopping just to browse and shop. He has a purpose when he enters a store. If there is a something missing in his collection, he knows just what he needs to fill it and where he can most likely find it. His is not a large closet…it is a "cool" closet! He believes that as long as you have “cool” things in your closet, you can’t help but look cool. I suppose the opposite is true as well, if you fill your closet with crap, you will look like crap.

Organizing like items of clothing helps keep the inventory easy to track…t-shirts here, jeans there. Seasonal apparel is rotated in and out to avoid overfilling and losing site of the contents. Old, worn, or out-dated clothing is promptly removed and passed on to less fashionable friends or thrift stores. Even some of his previously most favorite and expensive items of clothing are removed from the collection, if the wearing of them would make him feel conspicuous in his unfashionableness.

Fashion does not have to be expensive or require a lot of effort. A great fitting pair of jeans and a vintage t-shirt can look great and effortless. You also don’t have to buy things just because they are in fashion. I like the example of harem pants. Remember MC Hammer's Hammer Time? He was an icon of the harem pants boom in the 80’s, and amazingly, they are back in…for the moment. Even though this was fashionable then and is fashionable now, I personally refuse to buy them. Some styles seem to cycle like that- plaid, tube tops and leg warmers are all being brought back to life. These trends are in style for a brief moment, and then just as quickly disappear. For a smaller clothing budget like mine, I want to make sure I get the most fashion longevity that money can buy, and thus avoid these flash-in-the-pan trend.

White, I have come to accept should be considered disposable. Over time it is hard to keep white looking good. I used to try and keep the white alive, but now just pitch it when the fresh crispness of it has begun to fade. Pleats are a no-no, unless you are trying to hide something. You don’t have to have a great body to have a great style. If you are conscious of how you look when you try on clothes and honest about your size, you can find flattering and stylish clothes that you will look and feel great in.

Athletic wear can also be stylish. My repertoire for many years consisted of tights and a commemorative sports event t-shirt. Now a-days there is a huge industry devoted to making us look cute, even when we sweat. I recently took up golf, which I consider a sport. I dress therefore, as if I were playing a sport. I am flabbergasted at times when I see ladies appear in pastel sweater sets and leopard print pants. I often gasp from the wafting odor of their perfume on the first tee. Their perfectly coiffed hair and just-so make-up are a stark contrast to my sporty pony tail with ball cap and sun screen lathered face. This is an area I struggle with, but am making more of an effort to accomplish the best of both worlds. I refuse however to buy a sweater set! 

In an upcoming post, FTC and I have collaborated to put together a list of the top 20 things every woman should have in her closet. The goal of this list is to give you a fool proof recipe for bringing together a great looking outfit, for a variety of occasions, that doesn’t require a lot of effort. With some careful selection, you can equip your closet with these items, and hopefully, find something to wear!

Rhymes With Gherkin

Photo by magpiebride

I find it hard to believe that there is more for me to learn about pubic hair removal, but there is! The history of the “take-it-all-off” approach, according to various sources, is connected to the porn industry as part of the “little girl” fantasy. This type of waxing was then popularized in Brazil in part due to the much smaller swimwear sported in that country. In fact, our former Brazilian nannies found the relatively conservative American bikini equivalent to a grandma suit! Prior to coming to our home, they were coached to go out and buy an American bathing suit, due to the high degree of soccer-mom contempt possible were they to show up in a thong and postage stamp bikini at the community pool.

The momentum for this style of pubic hair coiffing (I am thoroughly enjoying coming up with as many ways to talk about pubic hair modification by the way, please feel free to add your own in the comments section) has been growing, and becoming more mainstream. There was a time in history however, that lacking hair down there was not a good thing and in fact, had a much more sinister meaning. A tip from a friend exposed this interesting historical fact.

According to the Urban Dictionary, in the 1600’s, the oldest profession in the world was at an historical high. Unfortunately, so were sexually transmitted diseases, most notably syphilis. Medical treatment during these days, involved a lot of guessing and hoping, and very little curing. The main treatment for syphilis in those days was mercury. The thought of this is appalling to be sure and the consequences of the treatment more so. Turns out that if your pour mercury on your “goods”, all of the hair will fall out.

Sadly, the mercury did not kill the syphilis, but it did leave these professional women with a tell tale sign of their diseased state, that would have potentially reduced their clientele. As a result, these entrepreneurial women developed a clever disguise, if you will, for their bald bits. The twat toupee, pubic wig or merkin was born! The mercury did not work, and the signs of disease would remain. As Merkinworld.com puts so eloquently, the merkin was also used as “… a device to cover syphilitic pustules and gonorrheal warts in the genital area.” They report it first appeared as early as the mid 1400’s. Merkins remain in use today as decorative items, in certain genres of film and erotica, and are made from things like yak belly or human hair.

Again, new possibilities have been presented for our musings of muffinscaping. If you partake of the Brazilian, you can at your whimsy, dress it up or down in any number of cute and sexy ways with your very own wig! To think how ironic history is that something once considered abhorrent and diseased is now considered super sexy and the state all women should aspire to. Merkinworld further offers the convenient way that using a merkin can replace the “… appearance of the pubic hair, which is usually, when left to its own devices, unruly, coarse and shapeless.” More irony if you will, that a fake pubic wig looks better than the natural…just like a hair piece on a man’s head is flattering…not!

Object to Ugly

Photo by David Mapletoft

I could never have known what blogging about pubic- hair-styling’s would uncover …well I knew it would uncover something… I just didn’t know how much would be exposed! (They say when you blog you should open it with some really catchy lines to keep y’all reading…sorry about the fantastical wordplay…but please, read on). Seriously though, all of this is leading towards much bigger issues than how I prefer to wax my southern mustache. As I blogged a personal pity party about how I hated how I looked at the wedding I recently attended…I started to wonder where all that self loathing was coming from. Perhaps if we all started unabashedly complimenting each other, we could wipe out our body image woes.

I am a bit of a research hound, and through my real job, have become quite adept at perusing medical and scientific literature, plus I dig it. With the goal in mind to look at whether compliments were enough to wage a war against poor body image, I started to research the topic…and it turns out there is an enormous psychological field out there devoted to the social behaviors of complimenting, how they are framed, and how we respond. I was surprised to find articles such as “The Effect of Compliments on Tipping Behavior in Hairstyling Salons” (Journal of Applied Social Psychology, August 2007) by Seiter and Dutson, who took the time to look at how people tip their hairstylists if they have been complimented by them or not. Turns out customers tip more generously if they have been complimented. This validated a suspicion that I had been having for some time now. Have you ever been shopping and the sales lady says something like “Oh what great taste you have, I just love that pair of jeans on you” or has your nail technician said “That is an amazing color you picked, it looks so good on your toes!”? Is it possible that there is an employee training program that teaches sales people and service providers to blow smoke up their clients’ behinds and reap the impending benefits? Studies show it works!

In further reading, it was reported that 85% of compliments are structured in just three different ways! (Manes&Wolfson, cited in “Sociolinguistic competence in the complimenting act of native Chinese and American English speakers: a mirror of cultural value.” Yu MC, Lang Speech. 2005;48(Pt 1):91-119)

1. Sally looks/is really nice.
2. I really like/love your purse!
3. Sally is really/a great friend!

 You can play around with what names, nouns or adjectives you use, but overall most compliments are structured this way. Interestingly according to these authors, we can’t just run amuck with random compliments and expect everyone to beam with joy. There is a very complex social construct related to complimenting, and we humans are pretty tuned in to assessing how genuine they are, whether they are appropriate, or if they in some way diminish us (eg. Way to go, I just loved the way you took out the garbage! You are so good at that!) At times I consciously make an effort to compliment someone, often times I am thinking it, I just don’t always say it aloud. Apparently it gives the impression that you are interested and present, something that people find safe and attractive about you. I like to use it as an ice-breaker for the “I-hardly-know-you” small talk conversations we all inevitably find ourselves in.

Just as there are common structures to compliments, this article further explains that there are 5 common responses we give when we receive a compliment:

 1. Acceptance (eg. Thank you!)
2. Agreement (eg. I like it too!)
3. Disagreement (eg. Sally’s purse is really not that nice)
4. Self-Praise Avoidance (eg. I just got lucky!)
5. Comment History (eg. This old thing? My mother bought it for me at a garage sale!)

 I am sure you know people in your life that can’t take a compliment and come up with many ways to deflect your kind observations. You can probably see yourself in that list somewhere too. (You can really just say “thank you”…it made the top 5 responses after all!)

 I had a few friends respond personally to my wedding appearance bashing blog, who kindly reaffirmed my attractiveness, one being astute enough to comment that regardless of what she said she “knew I wouldn’t believe her.” She was right…I didn’t. This blew my compliment theory out of the water. Surely their kind words should be enough to reverse my thinking, and send me back on my way to high self esteem and grand body image. But as my researched progressed I found myself following a new line of thought.

 In an article by Breines, Crocker and Garcia, entitled Self-Objectification and Well-Being in Women's Daily Lives, they explored the concept of women’s perceptions of their bodies as “objects”. They stated that in our culture, “…women learn to view their bodies as objects, focusing on how the body appears, rather than how it feels”. Most of this relates to how we react to and internalize the perceptions that others have about our appearance. The article describes the relationship of this fear of being judged unattractive, as significantly effecting a woman’s well being, and having a causal relationship to depression, eating disorders, reduced sexual enjoyment, lack of presence in the moment and ripping out all of one's pubic hair. In fact, all of the energy we spend worringin about whether those jeans make our butts look fat, reduce our mental energy and focus for other more worthwhile and rewarding pursuits. This, because a majority of us dwell over what others are thinking about how we look, or something the authors call “self conscious body monitoring”.

 Some women have higher or lower self esteem, and will react to a different degree to these feelings and situations. The article mentions trying on bathing suits as a time when we either beat ourselves up or feel good about what we see in the mirror. Unfortunately, it was found that the majority of women will go negative, and avoid trying on swimsuits, or anything that feels like an “ugly” moment. Covering your behind with a sarong on the beach has very little to do with your butt being cold…admit it, you are hiding it, fearing that others will judge it negatively. As we become more appearance oriented we begin to lose sight of how our bodies feel and what we need or want. These ideals that we are comparing ourselves to are generated around us culturally, as expectations for appearance and attractiveness. It is not necessarily one moment or one word that creates this acceptable appearance model for us, but an accumulation of images, events, etc.

Bingo! Let’s come back to pubic hair for a moment. When a guy, nonchalantly tells us we are “pretty hairy down there” that becomes another aspect from which we can be judged unattractive. Surprisingly more than one woman since reading this blog has shared her own story of a sexual partner criticizing her girly landscaping. As one friend shared:

 “It is…interesting to me how guys have become pubic hair connoisseurs as of late. Waxing was never on my radar until late-90s Sex-and-the-City, but at that point it was something I was aware of, but never did. I never felt like I had a whole lot of anything, but when I got to Texas I briefly dated this guy who made a comment about my being "unkempt" and it is definitely something that has bothered me since.”

Here we have another item for our internalized message of what is and what is not attractive. Hairy twat…bad. Cellulite…ugly, hide. The list is infinite, and we each have our own. Sexual satisfaction is closely linked to a woman’s ability to relax, identify her desires and how her body is feeling. Shame and anxiety caused by the fear that our nether regions are unattractive to our partners, begin to dominate our focus and ultimately reduce our sexual pleasure. Nice mood enhancer! No wonder so many women fail to orgasm. Something as trivial as pubic hair, is part of the larger issue of our body objectification. Somehow, we/I have created an attractiveness template to which we/I am constantly comparing myself to. Armed with this expectation, we put the anticipated judgments into the eyes of those who observe our bodies, and without a look or spoken word, feel their negative impression of us. “They must think this dress is ugly, because I don’t look the way I believe I should in it.”

It is not our fault that we have had the opportunities to create these templates, but it is our fault that we put so much weight into them. The study showed that women with a wider array of interests or successes put less emphasis on appearance, and could derive self esteem boosting feedback other ways. In summary they stated, “…research and education should continue to work toward providing girls and young women with the resources they need to experience their lives—their emotions, pleasures, desires, and vital energies—through their own bodies. It is perhaps only from this embodied perspective that a woman can know what she wants and possess the energy and motivation to create the life she wishes to live.”

I have found the crux of this issue. Will getting a Brazilian wax make me happier or more attractive? In the grand scheme of things, that sounds ridiculous. It is noted in the article however, that if you like the way you look, or if your look is closer to what you have been conditioned to believe is attractive, you will feel attractive. So again, maybe the girly girls are onto a little something. I would hesitate to buy into all of it however, because I would not want all my emphasis or self worth to come from how I think I look. At some point in time that will diminish despite my most skilled efforts. Perspective is in order here: perspective and acceptance. Acceptance that there is a cultural standard for attractiveness, balanced with the perspective that places it somewhere in my life that serves me positively. I can use my awareness of this cultural standard to assist me in approaching it, to feel attractive (as far as I can reasonably hope to) and also use it to guide me as to how much weight I choose to give it.

Baggy Hair and Frizzy Eyes

Photo by Lucia...s photostream

More and more I am aware of how I look when I walk out the door. No matter if I am off to work, to work out or for a night on the town, I seldom feel like I look as good as I could. So many others around me seem so put together…perfect outfit, perfect clothes, perfect make up. My hair might be frizzy, I only did a half-assed job applying make-up and my clothes may not be spiffy enough.


 At the recent wedding that I travelled to Mexico to attend, I tried extra hard to plan outfits ahead of time and truly be ahead of the game and perfectly put together. I purchased some cute dresses, knowing this was a higher end resort and that many of the dinners would be dressy. I shopped for some time for the perfect outfits. I even bought some stuff online through fashion discounters (Beyond the Rack, Gilt or Hautelook). When I got those dresses however, it was laughable. They were bizarre and fit oddly. This was a good lesson into the difficulty of buying some items off of the internet. Dresses should be tried on in person period. The waif-like-boyish models are not going to give me an accurate picture of how the same dress will look like on mesomorphic me. They are going off to nearly new, tags and all.

 In my home town shopping options are a rarity. The ones that are available are super high end and way out of my budget. I thus have limited choices. Another word of advice: if you live in no-mans-land, shop more when you are somewhere that has more than 3 stores. I did finally pick up a few dresses, and to be honest I didn’t “love” them. I bought two of them mostly because I was running out of time. This is a mistake as well. Now I have dresses in my closet that I am not sure I will be excited to ever wear again.

I tried to be all organized and think about accessorizing the dresses (I even thought I would practice outfitting the dresses prior, so that I could pack a complete outfit, but truthfully I never got around to it). I did however go out and try to buy the right bras (strapless etc.). In retrospect some shapewear would have been a good idea. Even the very thin bride had some Spanx under her wedding dress.

 I felt good about my shoes. I generally pack light, so light that I actually look like I am living out of a suitcase. But this time I went for it and packed a different shoe for each of my outfits. I felt more organized than usual. Some cute dresses, the right bras and the right shoes. The polish was dulled from there. For some reason I put much less emphasis on the finished product and only haphazardly threw some jewelry together and selected a few mismatched make-up items. In these areas I came to realize I was sorely lacking. I also did not pack any hair products. What was I thinking? My hair is wilder than the west in humidity.

 Each evening, I would proceed to get ready for and feel very good about which dress and which shoe I was going to wear. Then it came time to do my hair. I had nothing to style or control it with, no smoothing cream or hairspray. I went at it with an unfocused blow dry and an elastic band. Needless to say my hair usually looked like crap. To further highlight my poor organizational skills, I had postponed so long the getting of highlights and a haircut, that I left myself with no choice but to get a quick trim at a walk in mall, student training facility leaving my grayish roots exposed for all to see. The other women at the wedding were much more prepared than I with much more creativity and versatility in the hair styling and make-up department.

 I profess to lacking any skill whatsoever in applying make-up. I have been guessing since sixth grade! To make matters worse, I had failed to bring a fully equipped travel make-up kit. Sadly I noted on this trip that heat and humidity cause the bags under my eyes as well as my upper lid to swell incredibly. I looked very lumpy and much older than my years during that week, most especially in top-light. I had no means to conceal this either as most of my make up was sitting useless at home. I had failed to bring any eyeliner, bronzer or blush and had no concealer option. I didn’t even bring lip stick! The overall effect was pretty awful. Gray rooted frizzy hair, puffy swollen eyes and a colorless face. But hey, my dress was cute and my shoes matched perfectly! Not at any time during these evenings did I feel good about the way I looked.

In retrospect I had failed at a number of organizational and girly girl details. I had purchased clothing I was not in love with and therefore did not feel great in. I had forgotten about my hair and make-up styling and thus was poorly prepared. Even though the wedding invitations came out 6 months ago, I didn’t get my hair done in time. I did get waxed prior to going, but right before my departure, leaving my skin pretty irritated looking for the first few days.

I spent the week comparing myself to all of the other girls. In doing so I became more and more depressed with how I looked. How did they know those were the perfect earrings for that dress or how to control the uncontrollable humidity mane! Their eyes were lined and nary a puff could be seen. To make matters worse, and for me this is an ever present issue, I was the biggest girl there. Over the last few years I have lost some 20 pounds (kids and a comfy marriage slapped them on me without mercy!). I am still 20 more pounds from the glory days. I lift weights and work out, and somewhere under the excess I am cut! Honestly though I realize that clothes don’t look as good on woman who are bigger, and more specifically, they don’t look as good on me! Bless my friend and consultant FTC (see prior post Men In Tights)! He has said before that I should embrace and love my size, as it is a great accessory! Height is enviable and athletic is attractive! I have tried…but surround me with a bunch of size fours and I wither up and die!

This is something I am working hard to come to terms with. I must celebrate the victories I have had with weight loss to date and continue on that path. Part of this journey involves uncovering my own insecurities and short comings. I must take what I have learned in good old Mehico and get better at preparing the WHOLE package. I need to spend the time to figure out how to deal with and style out of control hair, and how to apply a simple and flattering make up style. More importantly however, I need to appreciate that confidence itself is attractive, and if I could wear that more often, it would easily conceal bags under my eyes or a small yet cute muffin top!

Hairs to Me!

photo by kthompsonstudio

Perhaps some of you have read an earlier post I wrote about waxing and a life shaping comment made by one of my first lovers. He calmly told me one afternoon that “I was pretty hairy down there”. He informed me that most women modified their body hair in one way or another and to a varying degree. For much of my life this statement has haunted me with subsequent intimate encounters. I wondered if these men were also taken aback by my excessive hairiness. I imagined them as jungle explorers, confronted with intimidating fronts of thick and intertwining overgrowth. That maybe the lack of cunning linguistics was not a reflection of the overall selfishness of men in general, but rather their lack of bravery in entering the forbidden forest. If they were able to hack their way through…I was unable to completely relax fearing all shorts of shameful hair related incidents.

As part of this journey I recently was at my aesthetician’s salon, and proceeded to interview her, during my appointment, about all things related to body hair removal. In one simple statement, she erased all of the insecurities so naively implanted by this former lover. I told her what he had said to me, and she laughed to herself. “This is nothing”, she said, “I can’t believe he said that to you…there is no truth to that at all!” I was dumbstruck. Are you kidding me? Any attempts at all in the last two decades for south of the border action were met with my internal alarm bells, and any pleasure was quickly sapped from the experience. Even standing naked in front of a man, I was certain he was put off by what I had been told was my unnatural hairiness.

I am pissed at this boyfriend! Based upon his own limited experience, he had branded me for much of my adult life with a belief that I was abnormal and thus less attractive. I will say it again, men be cautious of these flippant observations that you share with the woman in your lives. You can hardly understand the far reaching effects they can have! What if I irresponsibly went around telling all of my sexual partners their penises were much smaller than most I had seen or that indeed most men waxed their balls. (My aesthetician informed me that there is a male Brazilian wax our there, that involves taking all of the hair off a man’s nether regions. She told stories of girlfriends coming in the room to help hold and support the sensitive and loose tissue, while the man would sometimes develop an erection at the fantasy of two women messing with his bits!) It might be a great social experiment for women to drop their superior sensitivity and start spreading male insecurity as rampantly and guiltlessly as men seem to be able to spread it to us!

 I asked her at what age she was seeing girls/women come in for waxing. For lower leg waxing (which reportedly will reduce the amount of hair that regrows in later life if started young, thus reducing the need to shave and or wax) she was having girls of 12 or 13 years being brought in by their mothers. Some of these poor girls were unable to make it through the whole waxing procedure however, due to the pain of it. These appointments often would have to end long before the work was completed. This is an odd thing for a mother to promote for her daughter at such a young age, I thought, as hair is seldom much of a concern at this point and I could not fathom why they would want to begin to instill the inevitable life long belief that they must modify their bodies to be attractive, at so tender an age. As puberty hits, it seems to me they have enough to deal with!

 For bikini waxing including full Brazilian waxing, she reported that she would not perform it for girls under 18, which I applaud her for. She did share that she gets requests from much younger clients however. In her career she has many a story of pubic hair extending along the inner thigh, a great distance from the typical bikini area. She stated that certain ethnicities were prone to a greater bounty of hair. Italian and Latin being named specifically but the cultural interpretation of this hair was more accepting than ours. She has witnessed a wide array of piercings and tattoos that never cease to amaze her.

 I asked her what her clients were telling her as the main motivation for waxing, particularly Brazilian waxing. She stated that it was a combination of wanting to be edgy and risqué and to turn on their partners with others needing it to be comfortable beach going with certain smaller bikinis. She did report that the frequency of the request was increasing and the negative stigma associated with it decreasing. She herself felt that she no longer wanted to perform them however, as she really no longer wanted that kind of intimate exposure in her life. She was beginning to refer these requests to other practitioners within her own spa.

 I also asked her how waxing proceeded for the back door areas. I had heard that some request their clients to assume the hands and knees position. She reported that in her spa they worked very hard to preserve the comfort of their clients, and that she felt this position to be somewhat degrading. She preferred to have her clients lying on their side, while lifting one butt cheek upwards and out of the way while the waxing was performed. I had thought I would personally experience the Brazilian wax for research purposes, but I have to say I no longer have the nerve for it!

 She herself had had it done only once and decided to never have it done again as she was not comfortable with her resemblance to a prepubescent girl. She also related that there is a biological reason for male and female pubic hair which involves pheromone release in response to seeing it. Part of our unconscious attraction to each other is based upon the presence of this aforementioned hair. It makes sense that this sexually motivated reaction would not be present or considered normal directed towards a young, hairless girl.

 I asked her what happened when it grew back in. “Itchy”, she said. The more typical waxing she sees is the American…which essentially follows just inside the bikini bottom shape, and her preference, the French, which leaves a small, neat rectangle of hair just above the beginning of the labia. I went for the French this time for my beach vacation which she painstakingly worked on making centered and even. I commend her for her workmanship! The skin in this area for me stayed pretty red and irritated for a few days afterward, not exactly attractive in the bikini…so I would suggest going in several days before your beach departure to avoid exposing this unsightly reaction.

 All in all I feel I have significantly increased my knowledge of this formerly unknown area of the girly girl maintenance plan. Unimaginably, it has also undone one of the greatest myths I had imposed upon my own body. I am like a woman reborn…no longer self conscious about my god given mantle of hair! I can only imagine the possibilities this will open up for me and the new freedom I have gained! Since it obviously was a big hang up for this twit of an ex boyfriend, I shall curse him to a life shared with super hairy women who are completely comfortable with their natural selves and lack any interest whatsoever in body hair modification!

Bloody Weddings!

Photo by meddygarnet

My apologies for the lack of posts of late…I am currently in Mexico for a friend’s wedding. The big day was yesterday…out on the beach, a truly lovely affair. After the proceedings we settled in for the reception. As we sat at our respective tables awaiting dinner and enjoying some fabulous margaritas, a friend returned to our table to report that the bride had a terrible gash across her back and that she had also bloodied the shirt of the groom. Apparently, the pin from his boutonniere had stabbed her horrifically. I listened intently, and felt my heart sink. It is only natural that I would empathize with the poor wounded bride.

Certainly my sinking heart was motivated partly by empathy, but the larger cause was an expanding sense of guilt! I, the non-girly girl, had been the one to pin the ill-fated boutonniere to his linen shirt! Good lord, I thought, I have ruined their wedding! The groom had asked me prior to the wedding to pin his orchid in place. I warned him that I lacked experience in matters of floral application. He insisted that was nonsense and that I would do just fine. I suppose then that I can lay a portion of the blame on his shoulders, as he clearly disregarded a well intentioned warning. I had a vague idea how to accomplish this task and had actually performed it a few times in the past. Most times though, I have applied them to suit jackets. In this instance there was not much space between pin and skin.

For starters I was surprised how long the pin was. It was easily 2 inches long. I think it was overkill for this particular flower…and guess that a portion of the blame can also be transferred to the florist for improperly equipping the boutonniere. I had a sense of needing to weave the pin through his shirt, without stabbing him, over the stem of the boutonniere and back through the shirt. At an earlier wedding this year, a handy magnet system was used, thus eliminating the need to mess with long pointy pins. Sadly no such option was available. More blame therefore goes to the florist for not possessing the latest-stab-proof technology.

After I had pinned it to his shirt I warned him that the sharp end of the pin was pointing inward, in the direction of his chest. I think this was my second mistake (the first being agreeing to do it in the first place). I should have started sticking the pin in a direction moving towards his shoulder rather than his chest. I panicked really and was unable to clearly think through this process. When I finished, the pin stuck out of the shirt quite a bit…but I couldn’t very well have left it under the shirt fabric, as it would have surely stabbed him.

As I walked away, I stared at the flower for some time, pleased with the overall placement, but worried for the potential poking that might ensue should someone approach him too closely! This was such a minor element of the ceremony, but to me, my role was incredibly important, as I knew, there was the potential for unspeakable carnage. And to my utter mortification the worst case scenario materialized! His bride of less than an hour lay hospitalized with a near fatal stab wound from her husband’s clumsily installed boutonniere!

My informant friend tried repeatedly to console me…but could not assuage my guilt. Surely their whole evening was ruined, and at that very moment, they were cursing the boutonniere-pinning-challenged guest who had arrogantly assumed she could handle such a vital wedding task!

Suddenly the groom appeared beside our table. I could barely force myself to look at his blood soaked shirt! I felt a tap at my shoulder and tried to ignore it…reaching for my frosty margarita glass. It was no use however, he tapped again and I was forced to turn around. I closed my eyes tightly to prolong the amount of time before I had to witness the foul results of my incompetence. I slowly opened my eyes, and noted the boutonniere was now tucked into his shirt pocket…and amazingly as my eyes scanned his shirt for the bloody evidence, I found only a small spot of blood on his sleeve!

Apologies and self flagellation began pouring from my mouth. “ I am so sorry! I knew I couldn’t do it! I warned you! You should have found someone else! I am so sorry! I suck at this kind of accessorizing! How is your wife?” Turns out she had sustained a pretty minor, superficial scratch, and would not need emergency surgery! I began to breathe again…but continued to apologize mindlessly. He hushed me saying, “It is my time to talk now!” Here it comes! , I thought, the lambasting for being such a useless moron who did not even possess the most basic and standard skill of boutonniere pinnage!

My groom friend tends to wax poetic, and to my utter astonishment, he spun the story into a beautiful, symbolic event of love! This spot of blood from his new wife, he believed, was a further sign of their love and shared bond, much like blood brothers (only the husband and wife version). If that was where he wanted to go with it, I was going to zip my lip and gracefully accept his kind gesture intended I think, in part to let me off the hook! I soon saw his lovely bride and tentatively inspected her gash, and found a small scratch on her back. She too did not have me forcibly removed from the premises, but kindly let me know that all was well, she would heal.

Whew! That was a close call! I vowed at the moment, that as soon as I got back to my room (after hours of dancing and partying to an incredible Latin band, eating cake and skinny dipping in the resort pool) I would google the exact method of boutonniere application to insure in future I was prepared! So I did, and what I found was interesting. For the most part I had done it correctly! I expected that there would be a magic, pin concealing methodology…such as inserting the pin along the length of the stem of the flower, but no. It did suggest that the pin should face the other way. In all honesty however, I would still expect some potential catastrophe to be possible as long as pins are involved.

In future weddings, I plan to avoid being around the wedding party whilst they prepare, should I again be recruited for such a task. I know I could now confidently step forward and say “Yes, I know how to put on a boutonniere, how may I assist you?”, but I shall resist! I want no further blood on my hands!

Spa Me the Details! (ugh!)

Photo by Dennis Wong

Even as a self professed tomboy, I have delved into one realm often considered the domain of the girly girl.  Spas.  My husband is an avid golfer, and it is the wise resort owner who clued in that many wives aren't as avid golfers as their hubbys.  Rather than have them nag their husbands out of their $200 round of golf, they ingeniously piggy backed spas on the shoulders of golf courses.  Now adays I actually have taken up golf (more on the "Sweater Set as Athletic Apparel" later).  I still opt out of golfing if the spa is particularly good or the weather suckish.

I have acutally patroned spas in more than one country, and now consider myself a bit of an officinado.  In fact, at times I find myself critiquing spas based on my previous experiences.  I have visited both resort spas and day spas.  Both have their uses, but I get more for my money at the resorts, and relax more as well. Their lounges are bigger and often not co-ed.  They have his/hers hot tubs and such, where as most day spas have limited space and thus limited amenities.  (The massages aren't much cheaper though!)

Many might feel a little intimidated going to a resort spa the first time, especially alone.  I personally relish my alone time, and enjoy not speaking one word for hours at a time.   If you are a paying customer, even if you look like a bag lady, the staff there is hired to kiss your butt and make sure you have a pleasant stay.  Most spas require reservations in advance, particularly if you are going with one or more friends.  In these economic times you can probably get in last minute, and also find superb deals as these higher end luxuries work hard to keep their bookings up. 

Even if you only book one small service, you should have access to the spa amenities for the day.  For the budget concious, you could book a pedicure in the morning, hang out all day in the lounge, by the pool, in the hot tub or steam, and/or work out in the gym.  With this in mind, you should bring a small bag of personal items for the day:  reading material (often magazines there, but I like a good book), work out wear, hair ties (for post massage hair, you will look like crap), hair brush (shampoo, conditioner, soap, razors, and blow driers are all usually provided), swimsuit (in most unisex steams and hot tubs suits are optional, definitely need one for co-ed or for common pool side decency). 

When you check out spas in your area ask around, as word of mouth is one of the best ways to make sure you are spending your money on the best value.  Also check for seasonal deals and packages that get you a bunch of services at deeper discounts.  Most spas offer a wide array of services and some offer their own signature services that you can't find at other facilities.  There are generally a variety of massages  available (hot stone, sports, deep tissue, shiatsu, etc.), pedicures/manicures, hair salons, make up specialists, waxing, etc.  There are wraps (they cover you with some sort of nice sounding goo and wrap you in plastic or warm towels or both).  Body scrubs (they scrub you with some mildly abrasive exfoliating substance in a private room, often a wet room, complete with vichy shower (multiple shower heads on a bar that rinse you off).  You often get a set of disposable panties to preserve some of your modesty, and these service providers are adept at towel management to keep you covered where it counts.)  Personal training.  Fitness classes.  Life coaches.  Facials (mens and women's versions, and yes they do "extractions" which is the removal of black heads etc.  You can opt out of this however, you just have to let your service provider know.  This is generally performed after alot of cleansing, so much of your worst pore blockages are already cleared out.)

I generally get some form of massage, a facial and maybe a pedicure on any given day.  I am not a big fan of wraps or scrubs, I like being petted so these treatments are too brief and isolating for me.  I also prefer therapists who zip their pie holes and let me completely chill.  I am too polite to ask though, so I just act like a snobby bitch instead, and they soon quit with the small talk.  Seriously, I just keep small talk to a minimum and that is completely okay, so let the long silences go. 

You need to show up 15 or so minutes before to "check in" which means giving them your financial information (most spas collect for services at the end of your spa day, when you return to the front desk to check out), getting assigned a locker, and provided with a robe and flip flops.  It is also a good time to find your way around...where is the lounge, where do they come and get you for your appointments, etc. 

When you check in, it is a good idea to see how they handle tipping.  Some spas let you add it at the end of your day, and some automatically add in a 20% tip.  One spa I went to you actually had the service providers give you the bill at the end of your treatment and had you tip in front of the therapist or whomever right there and then.  I actually emailed management about that and suggested they change that policy because not only did it take away from the experience and if the therapist sucked and I didn't want to tip her well, I was in a bit of an awkward situation.  On return trips it was noted the policy had changed.

You will find a front desk area for check in, then be shown to your respective locker room and reminded of your appointment times.  Strip down, yes naked, and put on your robe.  This is the issue with co-ed lounges.  If you are in the buff in your robe in the waiting area with a bunch of guys, you need to make sure your robe is well managed to avoid any unintentional flashing.  If you are partaking of the various spa amenities make sure you are back in the waiting lounge (where the service providers come to and call your name to whisk you away for your service) at least 5 minutes before your appointment.  This always makes me feel like grade school again when teams are being picked, and I honestly hate being the last name called.

During the day there are often free teas and lemon water available.  Some sort of healthy fruit snack is also put out for you to enjoy.  I would recommend eating at the spa cafe in the nicer spas.  This food is often wonderfully healthy and delicious!  It can be a little pricey, but part of the indulgent experience.

At the end of your day you can relax with a long hot shower and take your time getting yourself ready to re-enter the world.  I enjoy this time because it is uninterupted time for blow drying my hair, putting on lotion and all those things I fly through at home.  Return your robe and slippers to the locker room counter or to bins provided and proceed to check out.  A good tip is 15-20%, but if it wasn't great, don't be afraid to tip less or stiff em' (sometimes when I hear the therapist yawning or seemingly wishing she were anywhere but massaging me at the moment, I have trouble coughing up a big tip).  On the other hand I appreciate the physical effort of a 90 minute massage (my preference) and tip very well when it is very good. 

You begin to learn what you like and you should make sure you ask for it.   You should be prepared to drop a minimum of a couple hundred bucks for one or two services plus tips and food.  Spas offer an opportunity to be pampered, to check out of your life for a while and just some "you" time to relax.  Most service providers will ask you when you had your last facial or massage....don't be afraid to say never or a year or whatever.  Just go and enjoy and appreciate that you deserve it!