I Don't...At Least, Not Anymore...

Photo by bantamania.

I asked my husband the other day "How would you feel about a little prophylactic marriage counselling?"  He looked at me strangely for a moment and told me he didn't think we needed it.  Hint number one:  Men, when your wife asks you about "signing" up for marriage counselling, chances are she has some issues, or else she wouldn't be bringing it up.  This would be a good time to think outside of your own world for a moment and consider what she might really be saying.

I explained that I have a growing concern about our marriage's ability to make it the long haul due to the significant number of couples, our age, our friends, who are getting divorced all around us. "We are surrounded by divorce these days!" I told him, "It feels like an epidemic. Maybe we should just meet with someone who can give us some pointers, open lines of communication," I ventured.  He still didn't seem to be getting it.

"You're my girl", he answered, attempting to bolster my confidence in his devotion to me.  It wasn't his devotion I was worried about.  What if we have some underlying, festering, marriage-killing disease that we aren't even aware of?  After all, several of the couples we are watching split up seemed like the "perfect" couple!  Lord knows my husband has been known to drive me crazy from time to time, and I am big enough to admit that I'm no walk in the park either.  I want to find out if we have what it takes to make it the next 10 years.

"What if I really want to do this?", I finally asked.  He agreed that if it was something I really needed, he would come with.  The trick now will be picking the right counsellor.  My hubby is very man-man, and won't go for any touchy-feely, foo-foo therapy.  Breathing out of the top of his head or sharing the smells of his emotions, will surely launch him off of the therapy sofa towards the nearest exit.  Trouble is, this kind of therapy will be touchy-feely, opening up, getting in touch with your feelings kind of stuff.   That's the whole point.

In the meantime, I have been watching my friends vicariously, experiencing with them, what appears to be a horrendous situation.  "You would really have to hate my absolute guts to be willing to go through that!"  I shared with my husband as we discussed the child visitation schedule friends were hashing out. "Imagine not being home everyday with your kids?"  I believe that kids are the glue that can hold any relationship together. The thought of subjecting them to a divorce, was to me, beyond selfish.

I admit, this feeling comes from my own experiences as a kid.  I like to proudly share that I have two mothers and three fathers!  I can't even remember a Christmas with my original family.  My mother and father divorced when I was five, bad-mouthing and hating each other, ad nauseum, as we grew up.  Despite the number of divorces and custody battles in my family,  I believe I've turned out okay. The biggest reason I want my marriage to succeed is because I yearn to be able to give my kids what I didn't have...a mom and  a dad who celebrate a significant wedding anniversary, while actually liking each other en route.

I get that shit can hit the fan in any marriage, and that for many couples, divorce is the best option.  Wanting to relive glory days or get a little strange, are not good enough reasons, to me, to break up a family.  Divorce sucks and is immensely difficult for kids to navigate through without serious blows to self esteem and feelings of security.  I made a deal with myself that once I brought kids into this world, I had to stopper-up my own selfishness and make it my duty to keep my marriage healthy.

According to a poll of experienced divorce lawyers, the top five reasons for divorce are:

1.  Communication Problems:  Accounts for up to 68% of divorce issues.

2.  Infidelity: 30% of divorces involve cheating. 

3.  Money Problems

4.  Lack of Commitment:  Getting into the wrong relationship for the wrong reasons.

5.  Growing Apart:  Shifting priorities.

Communication has always been a struggle for my husband and I.  As much time as we have spent together, you would think we could read each other's mind.  Honestly, we've been aware from the beginning of our relationship, that we have trouble getting our points across to each other.  He seems to expect me to say it his way.  I of course, refuse to do this.  This causes many frustrated moments.

Infidelity is something we joke about.  The reality is, I could see it happening in a marriage.  Even in my own.  New people can tempt you with being interested in what you have to say or provide you with the long-lost excitement of a new experience.   This economy isn't lightening our financial worries either.  Are we at risk?

In Malcom Gladwell's book "Blink", he studied facial expressions of married couples as they interacted with each other.  He found that researchers were able to predict with almost 80% certainty which marriages were most likely to fail.  Guess what the worst facial expression you can give to your spouse is?  Eye Rolling.  He found that this expression signals "Contempt".  My husband and I, when frustrated, will now actually intentionally and exaggeratedly roll our eyes at each other claiming "Contempt!" to the other.

As I shop for marriage counsellors, I will be on the look out for marriage survival tips to avoid the 50/50 chance I have of a failed marriage.  I'm not sure my divorcing friends will be my best referral sources.  

Stay tuned for marriage saving tips...as soon as I find some!