Holding On To Love....

Photo by Pink Sherbert Photography.

I am fortunate to be friends with Maria Tafuri, a licensed psychotherapist, who specializes in marriage and relationship counselling.  I sent her a "homework" email with some of my top questions for saving mine and other people's marriages.  Maria shared that counselling can help people stay together, but both partners must be committed to the process and motivated.  I believe that both partners must also be able to identify and own their role in relationship issues, not simply pass blame onto their spouse.  Awareness of how we each contribute to the health or disharmony in our relationships is key for open and honest marriage building work. 

Of course, picking the right therapist is a big part of the equation.  Maria points out that finding an experienced and appropriately trained therapist is essential.  I am also aware that I would have to pick someone who didn't freak my husband out too much.  Hug circles and burning incense would shut him down in a heart beat.  If he doesn't buy into or respect what the therapist is selling, all bets are off.

Neither he nor I have ever had therapy before, and I think parts of us fear the possibilities of what might surface.  Not necessarily within our relationship, but within each other.  We function in layers.  We can attend to layers selectively, burying certain issues deeper and out of sight if we don't want them creeping up on us.  When my mother died, I learned that I was very good at dosing myself with grief.  When I couldn't deal any longer, I could shut it down, and move my mind in a different direction, until such time as I was ready to face a little more.  Emotional vulnerability can be terrifying to some.

I asked Maria what were some of the biggest reasons that relationships get out of sync, specifically, what were the seeds of marital destruction.  Here are her top five: (My two cents are in parentheses)

1.  The "unconscious" conditioned past of each person (how they were raised, what was modeled, ..etc) affects relational patterns. Without clear insight into each individuals past, couples end up at what I call, meeting at the wound. (yikes, this means my husband and I might need some therapy to figure out what our "its" are).

2.  The projection of an unconditionally loving parent onto the partner. Our parents provide the first opportunity to receive unconditional love while our primary relationships provide the second.  It feels therefore, like there is a lot on the line. (I can relate to "love" expectations.  Based upon my own experiences, I create a framework within which I judge loving behaviour.  Anything less, falls short.  Unspoken expectations are rarely ever met.)

3. The lack of awareness around gender issues (testosterone vs. estrogen). (Remember women are Venus?  See also The Male or Female Brain.  Anyone who has ever been around boys and girls as children can see the distinctness of their gender traits.)

4.   Not staying "lovingly curious" about the choices your partner makes.  Rather we begin to judge. This leads to sense of alienation and disillusionment. (Remember when you were totally engrossed with every little thing your partner did and said?  Now we are so busy expecting something else, we can't enjoy what we actually have.)

5.  All of the above effect communication patterns within the couple's dynamic, so poor communication and partner's not feeling seen, heard or understood create emotional divides. (Make sure you "hear" your partner, rather than anticipate, with your own filter, what they are trying to say.)

With these in mind, Maria shared some of her strategies to keep relationships healthy.

1.  Stay lovingly curious with each other. Not just in the early romantic stage, but carry the curiosity through all the years.  (Respect each other as individuals with our own interests and passions.  Avoid placing your own prejudices on what lights your lover's fire or stokes their passion...get involved with it.)  One divorcing couple we know, had the wife, a self proclaimed "golf widow" make her husband give up the sport he loved, in order to save their marriage.  Instead, she began dragging him to horse shows (her passion).  The marriage failed anyway.  She was unable to see the positiveness that golf brought to his life, and selfishly underestimated its importance to him.

2. When there is a call to grow in the relationship, meet that call. Don't wait until you feel like strangers. (Marriage is an evolution.  You don't have to do everything together, but you have to offer support and respect to the other, around the foundation of the relationship)  My husband and I always say, our lives should be better when we are together, than if we weren't.  If that starts to change, heed the warning.

3.   Learn to connect at the heart (there are intimacy exercises that can help with this).  (Intimacy...more than just having sex you say?) 

4.   Educate yourself about gender differences so you can understand why you partner thinks or acts the way they do. (We really are different...brain physiology and behaviour psychology say so.  Fail to appreciate those differences, and you will fail to understand each other (See Boys Will Be Boys blog).

Maria shares that in successful relationships, "Couples have to be committed to doing the work (discovery, uncovering, re-patterning). This helps them to deepen the love that brought them together. Some marriages last because they get comfortable in the comfort of their discomfort (their dance) because the fear of change is too great".