Thar' She Blows!

Photo by tibchris.

Is it appropriate to write about blow jobs?  I mean, it is a topic we aren't supposed to talk about amongst polite company.  Although, I really enjoy the kind of company that enjoys talking openly about any and all sexual topics.  Like most aspects of our adult sexual lives, we are left to fend for ourselves, and figure out good blow job technique on the fly, or "at the fly" in this case. 

Wouldn't it be great if they had a class in high school PE called "Oral Sex 101", where the over sized, masculinized gym teacher whipped out a banana and skillfully applied a condom to it, using only her mouth?  Never before would the attention of pubescent students be so captivated!  "Now girls, take your bananas and slowly slide them into your mouths.  Mind you teeth now!"  It remains highly unlikely that any childhood mentors will ever share the tricks of the oral sex trade, lest they be thrown in jail.  Sex ed, even in its' current bland and purely biological state, is resisted by many in the community.

We are downright Elizabethan in our avoidance of sexual discussion, preferring instead to expose ourselves to episodes of uncertainty and embarrassment, when the first hard cock presents itself for blowing. ( How did you feel after you read that sentence?  Embarrassed, repulsed, turned-on?  Your reaction says a lot about your sexual comfort level...food for thought, take some time to mull that over.)  According to dumblaws.com , a website devoted to exposing the stupidity of some lawmaking in this country, several states including Florida and (no surprise) Arkansas, have outlawed oral sex and some classify it as sodomy.  (Worth a visit to that site to check out stupid laws by state.  For example, were you hoping to have sex with a porcupine in Florida, you would be breaking a law).

I recall my first discussions of blow jobs.  I was a freshman in high school (late bloomer by modern standards), and a close gal-pal had just gone south on her new and steady beau.  I remember trying to act all knowledgeable around my now, much wiser and experienced friend.  Truth be told, I had never actually seen a penis at this point in my life (excluding glimpses of my father's, which I chose to block from my memory).   The first penis I actually got to stare at and handle, came a year later.  I recall hoping that it was in its' erect state, as I could not imagine what I would do with it were it to get bigger.   Lessons learned on a teenage boy's penis, who with any type or degree of penile stimulus, will be aroused and easily ejaculate (even if you don't touch him), may skew our early perceptions of what works and what doesn't.

The term "blow job" is very poorly chosen.  Early in my sexual career, I literally thought men liked to have you blow on their willies.  Imagine if you will, a hyperventilating teen, blowing in earnest on her boyfriend's member, believing she is the goddess incarnate of the masterful blow job.  I was a sweet and innocent 16 when I first attempted the art of fellatio.  I cannot honestly assess my fellating abilities as my boyfriend at the time was easy to please. ( Any teenage boy, getting any sexual activity of any kind should be extremely grateful!)  I'm sure I gagged.  I'm sure I was grossed out by his pubes.  I'm sure I wondered the whole time if I was doing it right.  I'm sure I did not swallow.

I think back fondly on how each of my few sexual partners responded, behaved and preferred to receive oral favors.  Some were passive, allowing me to work my own version of magic.  Some told me in embarrassing and dirty speak words to "Suck it! Oh Yeah! Suck it" (not an effective motivator for me, FYI).  Some would clasp the back of my head, as a subtle suggestion to head down-town, and literally, true story, it would become a battle of the wills, as they pushed down harder and I resisted, pushing up equally as hard.  Some tried to sell me on the belief that if I didn't swallow their jism they were insulted by my rejection of a part of them (idiotic).  Some talked about what they liked and coached a little, while others were so uncomfortable talking about sex, they would change the subject to cars or sports.

As I put together my bag of tricks, I talked with friends and boyfriends who were willing to open up, and in modern times, have actually Googled "How to give a good blow job".  Like anything sexual, there is a wide array of preferences, and not all techniques will work with all guys.  Porn remains a poor teacher of technique.  I challenge ladies out there to slap their face or boobs with an ejaculating dong, whilst lapping furiously like a dog, and not bust out laughing or cause your husband to question your sanity.  Different websites lean from more conservative blow job techniques to more porn-ish...important to identify where you and your partner prefer to reside on that spectrum.

You can use aids and props and lubricants.  Ice cubes or hot water.  You can even slather his manhood in chocolate syrup, the possibilities are endless.  You can spit, swallow or jump ship before he explodes.  I personally find the substance gross...warm and gooey, vaguely tasting of abrasive sink cleaner.  The times I have swallowed have either been accidental or due to a heightened state of inebriation.  I also find if I blow my husband to "completion", he rapidly falls asleep and I get nothin' for my efforts.  I am too selfish to let that happen, so a blow job is often used as foreplay, rather than the full event. 

I once asked my husband what makes a blow job good?  He replied, "I wasn't aware there was such a thing as a bad blow job."  There is much truth to that statement.  Your mature husbands or boyfriends have not strayed too far from their hypersexual and sensitive teenage selves.  Married men in particular experience a near desert of blow job drought.  If you even start creeping down below the belt, they will be half-way there.

Keep your teeth out of it, and you can virtually do no wrong.  I like to use my hands simultaneously, as I can use it as a gag door-stop and add some extra stimulation.  My jaw cramps if the procedure takes too long.  Using my hand minimizes cramping.  To this day, each blow job is different, as I continue to try and figure out what feels the best for him.  Up and down, circular motions, head licking, ball squeezing, taint pressing, ass grabbing, shaft licking, sucking, blowing, teasing, twisting, move the skin or glide over it, etc. etc.  Any man who reads that list of techniques will likely agree that each has merit.

Ideally, the man in charge of the penis you are blessing with a blowing, will fill you in on his personal preferences, and more importantly tell you when you do something painful or ineffective.  Otherwise, keep at it.  It is a continual learning process.  Avoid giving up your control and don't allow yourself to be pressured or guilted into performing something you are not in to.  My personal opinion is that you should rarely just give sexual favors without also getting some for yourself.  Some women, my husband shares, just really like giving blow jobs.  Maybe so...but I would hazard to guess these women suffer from an appalling lack of quality relationships and self esteem.

There.  We did it.  We talked about blow jobs in the real world.  Put your uncertainty aside and go for it.  You can always throw in the towel and jump onto something else if it ain't working.