I'm A Bad Mom!

Photo by Rabeea Arif.

My six year old doesn't know how to tie his shoes.  His best buddy, also in kindergarten, knows how to tie his shoes.  I should have taught him by now...it's just been easier to do it for him so we don't miss the bus every morning.  Today, I'm chilling out at the local coffee shop rather than chaperoning my daughter's 3rd grade field trip...it is raining after all.  I should be be gliding down the Alpine slide with her this afternoon, but instead am enjoying a steamy chai whilst listening to that new-age funk you only hear in coffee shops.  My son's kindergarten graduation is tomorrow...but I am going golfing instead.  Does that make me a bad mother?  Don't get me wrong, I do my fair share of mommy activities with my kids, but I also selfishly keep some time just for me...it's a sanity thing.

This whole motherhood thing kind of fell into my lap, and just keeps on falling.  I am a reaction parent...I learn how to do it, after "it" has passed.   Like the many parenting books I own that guide me through normal child development, I wish there was one for me, highlighting the appropriate parenting milestones I am expected to reach.  Eg.  When to teach shoe tying or how to ride an Alpine slide.  I am not sure how really awesome moms stay on top of all of this stuff...do they have a secret club?  A "Mother's Almanac"?  I always feel a step behind.

I recall when my daughter was a kindergartner, and came home with her bag filled with cutesy, home-made valentines.  I had not even thought about the tradition of valentine exchange that goes on in school (though once reminded, reminisced about my own love of that day) and had failed to provide her with her own batch for sharing.  A light bulb went on then!  I realized there was a whole new group of mothering tasks I would be responsible for: childhood traditions. ( I have been making up for my Valentine failure ever since with over-the-top, super-mom, elaborate hand-crafted cards)

Birthday parties were also foreign terrain I had to learn to navigate.  I had recollections of my childhood birthday party experiences to draw from, but modern day b-day partying was not on my radar.  When I was a kid, the hot trend was "Money Cakes".  I kid you not, moms would carefully wrap coins in wax paper, and bake them within the cake.  You would hear loud tooth cracking sounds, as each child eagerly dug into their cake, followed by an exclamation, "I found a dime!"  I had enough common sense to filter that out as an option, lest I enjoy law suits.  Roller skating rinks don't exist anymore, so that was out too.

I'm not sure how much is too much, how elaborate gifts should be, do you invite the whole class, will they judge me if I buy the cake?  So much pressure.  Am I supposed to stay and hang out (I'm not a big small talker, preferring more one on one time with people.  I get lost in groups, and I always feel mommishly inferior.)  Is a jumpy house, a clown, a juggler, and a bowling/pool party too much?  Who are these parties for anyway?

Through trial and error, I honed my mom-skills as a birthday party planner and school year cultural observances coordinator and am now working on my summer activity organizational skills.  I have found myself over the last several weeks, scurrying around, mapping out the summer activities for my family.  This chaotic exercise is required now that school is letting out, in order to patch together some cleverly disguised child care.  East coasters are dialed in to this activity, usually having their whole summers planned by February.  I missed out on one camp I was hoping to enroll my daughter in as I was late to registration, having started last minute, a mere four months before the camp actually started!

Poor girl is now stuck with a YMCA camp.  Well, it's not too much of a hardship, it is in Colorado after all.  We have t-ball, basketball, golf, trampoline camp, soccer, swimming lessons, hiking once a week, music camp, art camp, a day camp for down and dirty kid time, nature camp, grandma days, etc. etc.  I am scared to look at my day timer as each day of each week is different and my husband and I will be scrambling to get each kid where they need to be, with the right stuff.  Fortunately, I am not overly overachieving oriented on behalf of my kids, so I am not picky about the activity, just glad that any given day is covered.

I suppose it is inevitable that I will forget something and end up in a panic, despite my best efforts.  I will continue to learn how to be  the best mom I can be through trial and error.  Just as I master one age, those darn kids get older, and I have to figure it out all over again.   Any day now, my daughter will be a teenager, and then what? The ironic thing is that I will figure this all out just in time for them to head off to college.  Everyone will be able to tie their shoes, be potty trained and God willing, not in juvenile detention. 

Holding On To Love....

Photo by Pink Sherbert Photography.

I am fortunate to be friends with Maria Tafuri, a licensed psychotherapist, who specializes in marriage and relationship counselling.  I sent her a "homework" email with some of my top questions for saving mine and other people's marriages.  Maria shared that counselling can help people stay together, but both partners must be committed to the process and motivated.  I believe that both partners must also be able to identify and own their role in relationship issues, not simply pass blame onto their spouse.  Awareness of how we each contribute to the health or disharmony in our relationships is key for open and honest marriage building work. 

Of course, picking the right therapist is a big part of the equation.  Maria points out that finding an experienced and appropriately trained therapist is essential.  I am also aware that I would have to pick someone who didn't freak my husband out too much.  Hug circles and burning incense would shut him down in a heart beat.  If he doesn't buy into or respect what the therapist is selling, all bets are off.

Neither he nor I have ever had therapy before, and I think parts of us fear the possibilities of what might surface.  Not necessarily within our relationship, but within each other.  We function in layers.  We can attend to layers selectively, burying certain issues deeper and out of sight if we don't want them creeping up on us.  When my mother died, I learned that I was very good at dosing myself with grief.  When I couldn't deal any longer, I could shut it down, and move my mind in a different direction, until such time as I was ready to face a little more.  Emotional vulnerability can be terrifying to some.

I asked Maria what were some of the biggest reasons that relationships get out of sync, specifically, what were the seeds of marital destruction.  Here are her top five: (My two cents are in parentheses)

1.  The "unconscious" conditioned past of each person (how they were raised, what was modeled, ..etc) affects relational patterns. Without clear insight into each individuals past, couples end up at what I call, meeting at the wound. (yikes, this means my husband and I might need some therapy to figure out what our "its" are).

2.  The projection of an unconditionally loving parent onto the partner. Our parents provide the first opportunity to receive unconditional love while our primary relationships provide the second.  It feels therefore, like there is a lot on the line. (I can relate to "love" expectations.  Based upon my own experiences, I create a framework within which I judge loving behaviour.  Anything less, falls short.  Unspoken expectations are rarely ever met.)

3. The lack of awareness around gender issues (testosterone vs. estrogen). (Remember women are Venus?  See also The Male or Female Brain.  Anyone who has ever been around boys and girls as children can see the distinctness of their gender traits.)

4.   Not staying "lovingly curious" about the choices your partner makes.  Rather we begin to judge. This leads to sense of alienation and disillusionment. (Remember when you were totally engrossed with every little thing your partner did and said?  Now we are so busy expecting something else, we can't enjoy what we actually have.)

5.  All of the above effect communication patterns within the couple's dynamic, so poor communication and partner's not feeling seen, heard or understood create emotional divides. (Make sure you "hear" your partner, rather than anticipate, with your own filter, what they are trying to say.)

With these in mind, Maria shared some of her strategies to keep relationships healthy.

1.  Stay lovingly curious with each other. Not just in the early romantic stage, but carry the curiosity through all the years.  (Respect each other as individuals with our own interests and passions.  Avoid placing your own prejudices on what lights your lover's fire or stokes their passion...get involved with it.)  One divorcing couple we know, had the wife, a self proclaimed "golf widow" make her husband give up the sport he loved, in order to save their marriage.  Instead, she began dragging him to horse shows (her passion).  The marriage failed anyway.  She was unable to see the positiveness that golf brought to his life, and selfishly underestimated its importance to him.

2. When there is a call to grow in the relationship, meet that call. Don't wait until you feel like strangers. (Marriage is an evolution.  You don't have to do everything together, but you have to offer support and respect to the other, around the foundation of the relationship)  My husband and I always say, our lives should be better when we are together, than if we weren't.  If that starts to change, heed the warning.

3.   Learn to connect at the heart (there are intimacy exercises that can help with this).  (Intimacy...more than just having sex you say?) 

4.   Educate yourself about gender differences so you can understand why you partner thinks or acts the way they do. (We really are different...brain physiology and behaviour psychology say so.  Fail to appreciate those differences, and you will fail to understand each other (See Boys Will Be Boys blog).

Maria shares that in successful relationships, "Couples have to be committed to doing the work (discovery, uncovering, re-patterning). This helps them to deepen the love that brought them together. Some marriages last because they get comfortable in the comfort of their discomfort (their dance) because the fear of change is too great".

I Don't...At Least, Not Anymore...

Photo by bantamania.

I asked my husband the other day "How would you feel about a little prophylactic marriage counselling?"  He looked at me strangely for a moment and told me he didn't think we needed it.  Hint number one:  Men, when your wife asks you about "signing" up for marriage counselling, chances are she has some issues, or else she wouldn't be bringing it up.  This would be a good time to think outside of your own world for a moment and consider what she might really be saying.

I explained that I have a growing concern about our marriage's ability to make it the long haul due to the significant number of couples, our age, our friends, who are getting divorced all around us. "We are surrounded by divorce these days!" I told him, "It feels like an epidemic. Maybe we should just meet with someone who can give us some pointers, open lines of communication," I ventured.  He still didn't seem to be getting it.

"You're my girl", he answered, attempting to bolster my confidence in his devotion to me.  It wasn't his devotion I was worried about.  What if we have some underlying, festering, marriage-killing disease that we aren't even aware of?  After all, several of the couples we are watching split up seemed like the "perfect" couple!  Lord knows my husband has been known to drive me crazy from time to time, and I am big enough to admit that I'm no walk in the park either.  I want to find out if we have what it takes to make it the next 10 years.

"What if I really want to do this?", I finally asked.  He agreed that if it was something I really needed, he would come with.  The trick now will be picking the right counsellor.  My hubby is very man-man, and won't go for any touchy-feely, foo-foo therapy.  Breathing out of the top of his head or sharing the smells of his emotions, will surely launch him off of the therapy sofa towards the nearest exit.  Trouble is, this kind of therapy will be touchy-feely, opening up, getting in touch with your feelings kind of stuff.   That's the whole point.

In the meantime, I have been watching my friends vicariously, experiencing with them, what appears to be a horrendous situation.  "You would really have to hate my absolute guts to be willing to go through that!"  I shared with my husband as we discussed the child visitation schedule friends were hashing out. "Imagine not being home everyday with your kids?"  I believe that kids are the glue that can hold any relationship together. The thought of subjecting them to a divorce, was to me, beyond selfish.

I admit, this feeling comes from my own experiences as a kid.  I like to proudly share that I have two mothers and three fathers!  I can't even remember a Christmas with my original family.  My mother and father divorced when I was five, bad-mouthing and hating each other, ad nauseum, as we grew up.  Despite the number of divorces and custody battles in my family,  I believe I've turned out okay. The biggest reason I want my marriage to succeed is because I yearn to be able to give my kids what I didn't have...a mom and  a dad who celebrate a significant wedding anniversary, while actually liking each other en route.

I get that shit can hit the fan in any marriage, and that for many couples, divorce is the best option.  Wanting to relive glory days or get a little strange, are not good enough reasons, to me, to break up a family.  Divorce sucks and is immensely difficult for kids to navigate through without serious blows to self esteem and feelings of security.  I made a deal with myself that once I brought kids into this world, I had to stopper-up my own selfishness and make it my duty to keep my marriage healthy.

According to a poll of experienced divorce lawyers, the top five reasons for divorce are:

1.  Communication Problems:  Accounts for up to 68% of divorce issues.

2.  Infidelity: 30% of divorces involve cheating. 

3.  Money Problems

4.  Lack of Commitment:  Getting into the wrong relationship for the wrong reasons.

5.  Growing Apart:  Shifting priorities.

Communication has always been a struggle for my husband and I.  As much time as we have spent together, you would think we could read each other's mind.  Honestly, we've been aware from the beginning of our relationship, that we have trouble getting our points across to each other.  He seems to expect me to say it his way.  I of course, refuse to do this.  This causes many frustrated moments.

Infidelity is something we joke about.  The reality is, I could see it happening in a marriage.  Even in my own.  New people can tempt you with being interested in what you have to say or provide you with the long-lost excitement of a new experience.   This economy isn't lightening our financial worries either.  Are we at risk?

In Malcom Gladwell's book "Blink", he studied facial expressions of married couples as they interacted with each other.  He found that researchers were able to predict with almost 80% certainty which marriages were most likely to fail.  Guess what the worst facial expression you can give to your spouse is?  Eye Rolling.  He found that this expression signals "Contempt".  My husband and I, when frustrated, will now actually intentionally and exaggeratedly roll our eyes at each other claiming "Contempt!" to the other.

As I shop for marriage counsellors, I will be on the look out for marriage survival tips to avoid the 50/50 chance I have of a failed marriage.  I'm not sure my divorcing friends will be my best referral sources.  

Stay tuned for marriage saving tips...as soon as I find some!

Thar' She Blows!

Photo by tibchris.

Is it appropriate to write about blow jobs?  I mean, it is a topic we aren't supposed to talk about amongst polite company.  Although, I really enjoy the kind of company that enjoys talking openly about any and all sexual topics.  Like most aspects of our adult sexual lives, we are left to fend for ourselves, and figure out good blow job technique on the fly, or "at the fly" in this case. 

Wouldn't it be great if they had a class in high school PE called "Oral Sex 101", where the over sized, masculinized gym teacher whipped out a banana and skillfully applied a condom to it, using only her mouth?  Never before would the attention of pubescent students be so captivated!  "Now girls, take your bananas and slowly slide them into your mouths.  Mind you teeth now!"  It remains highly unlikely that any childhood mentors will ever share the tricks of the oral sex trade, lest they be thrown in jail.  Sex ed, even in its' current bland and purely biological state, is resisted by many in the community.

We are downright Elizabethan in our avoidance of sexual discussion, preferring instead to expose ourselves to episodes of uncertainty and embarrassment, when the first hard cock presents itself for blowing. ( How did you feel after you read that sentence?  Embarrassed, repulsed, turned-on?  Your reaction says a lot about your sexual comfort level...food for thought, take some time to mull that over.)  According to dumblaws.com , a website devoted to exposing the stupidity of some lawmaking in this country, several states including Florida and (no surprise) Arkansas, have outlawed oral sex and some classify it as sodomy.  (Worth a visit to that site to check out stupid laws by state.  For example, were you hoping to have sex with a porcupine in Florida, you would be breaking a law).

I recall my first discussions of blow jobs.  I was a freshman in high school (late bloomer by modern standards), and a close gal-pal had just gone south on her new and steady beau.  I remember trying to act all knowledgeable around my now, much wiser and experienced friend.  Truth be told, I had never actually seen a penis at this point in my life (excluding glimpses of my father's, which I chose to block from my memory).   The first penis I actually got to stare at and handle, came a year later.  I recall hoping that it was in its' erect state, as I could not imagine what I would do with it were it to get bigger.   Lessons learned on a teenage boy's penis, who with any type or degree of penile stimulus, will be aroused and easily ejaculate (even if you don't touch him), may skew our early perceptions of what works and what doesn't.

The term "blow job" is very poorly chosen.  Early in my sexual career, I literally thought men liked to have you blow on their willies.  Imagine if you will, a hyperventilating teen, blowing in earnest on her boyfriend's member, believing she is the goddess incarnate of the masterful blow job.  I was a sweet and innocent 16 when I first attempted the art of fellatio.  I cannot honestly assess my fellating abilities as my boyfriend at the time was easy to please. ( Any teenage boy, getting any sexual activity of any kind should be extremely grateful!)  I'm sure I gagged.  I'm sure I was grossed out by his pubes.  I'm sure I wondered the whole time if I was doing it right.  I'm sure I did not swallow.

I think back fondly on how each of my few sexual partners responded, behaved and preferred to receive oral favors.  Some were passive, allowing me to work my own version of magic.  Some told me in embarrassing and dirty speak words to "Suck it! Oh Yeah! Suck it" (not an effective motivator for me, FYI).  Some would clasp the back of my head, as a subtle suggestion to head down-town, and literally, true story, it would become a battle of the wills, as they pushed down harder and I resisted, pushing up equally as hard.  Some tried to sell me on the belief that if I didn't swallow their jism they were insulted by my rejection of a part of them (idiotic).  Some talked about what they liked and coached a little, while others were so uncomfortable talking about sex, they would change the subject to cars or sports.

As I put together my bag of tricks, I talked with friends and boyfriends who were willing to open up, and in modern times, have actually Googled "How to give a good blow job".  Like anything sexual, there is a wide array of preferences, and not all techniques will work with all guys.  Porn remains a poor teacher of technique.  I challenge ladies out there to slap their face or boobs with an ejaculating dong, whilst lapping furiously like a dog, and not bust out laughing or cause your husband to question your sanity.  Different websites lean from more conservative blow job techniques to more porn-ish...important to identify where you and your partner prefer to reside on that spectrum.

You can use aids and props and lubricants.  Ice cubes or hot water.  You can even slather his manhood in chocolate syrup, the possibilities are endless.  You can spit, swallow or jump ship before he explodes.  I personally find the substance gross...warm and gooey, vaguely tasting of abrasive sink cleaner.  The times I have swallowed have either been accidental or due to a heightened state of inebriation.  I also find if I blow my husband to "completion", he rapidly falls asleep and I get nothin' for my efforts.  I am too selfish to let that happen, so a blow job is often used as foreplay, rather than the full event. 

I once asked my husband what makes a blow job good?  He replied, "I wasn't aware there was such a thing as a bad blow job."  There is much truth to that statement.  Your mature husbands or boyfriends have not strayed too far from their hypersexual and sensitive teenage selves.  Married men in particular experience a near desert of blow job drought.  If you even start creeping down below the belt, they will be half-way there.

Keep your teeth out of it, and you can virtually do no wrong.  I like to use my hands simultaneously, as I can use it as a gag door-stop and add some extra stimulation.  My jaw cramps if the procedure takes too long.  Using my hand minimizes cramping.  To this day, each blow job is different, as I continue to try and figure out what feels the best for him.  Up and down, circular motions, head licking, ball squeezing, taint pressing, ass grabbing, shaft licking, sucking, blowing, teasing, twisting, move the skin or glide over it, etc. etc.  Any man who reads that list of techniques will likely agree that each has merit.

Ideally, the man in charge of the penis you are blessing with a blowing, will fill you in on his personal preferences, and more importantly tell you when you do something painful or ineffective.  Otherwise, keep at it.  It is a continual learning process.  Avoid giving up your control and don't allow yourself to be pressured or guilted into performing something you are not in to.  My personal opinion is that you should rarely just give sexual favors without also getting some for yourself.  Some women, my husband shares, just really like giving blow jobs.  Maybe so...but I would hazard to guess these women suffer from an appalling lack of quality relationships and self esteem.

There.  We did it.  We talked about blow jobs in the real world.  Put your uncertainty aside and go for it.  You can always throw in the towel and jump onto something else if it ain't working.

Be Prepared

Hairy back thong...photo by movethelife.

If your lover walked up to you right now and wanted to jump your bones, are you ready?  I don't mean in the mood, but ready, like prepped, like in order?  Are your legs shaved?  Your bush waxed? Is your breath fresh?  If your woman had a hankering to visit your southern trio, would you be hockey-bag musty or spring-meadow fresh?  "Hold on honey!  I have to jump in the shower and "freshen uuuup"!"  MOOD KILLER!

I have this sensuous, romantic friend who believes one must always "Be Prepared".  Like a girl scout, you must be ready at a moments notice, to be taken without worrying if your leg hair might be abrading his thighs or your halitosis curling her eyelashes! My friend has "tsked! tsked!" my chapped lips, sharing balm from her own personal stash, scolding me for not being ready to be kissed.   It's in line with our mothers telling us to wear clean underwear, lest we be involved in a near fatal car accident, leaving us unconscious, with the emergency personnel forced for some reason, to remove our underwear.  Or, better yet, those clean sexy undies could come in handy if your hot lover decides to get unexpectedly frisky!

Being ready, means thinking about possibilities.  A little fantasizing can go a long way to guide your readiness preparations.  There are times you could anticipate some action while others will take you by surprise, the trick is to be ready for both.  Regular maintenance makes this a little easier.  If you keep up on body hair and odor management, you will establish a good foundation for the worry free 'sesh.

Keep handy, upon your person, such things as lip balm, breath aids, hair brush, and hygenic wipes.  You could even model the well prepared girl scout and carry it all in a smart fanny pack.  I jest of course.  You will not get laid if you carry a fanny pack!  But the point is, granny underwear and days away from your last shower will hardly send the readiness invite to your randy lovah!

I'm a gal that digs sweat pants and comfy woolly socks.  Underneath that sexless exterior, for example, I could sport a lacy thong and a freshly waxed Brazilian...OH YEAH, I am ready!  Bring it on baby!!  Ooh La La!  With a little perfumy bliss and nipple tassels what man wouldn't start regularly jumping forty-something moms in baggy jeans and tevas.  That pony tail is nothing more than an opportunity to let my hair down, hot stuff!  Just like those pretty woman movies, in a moments notice we could transform from frumpish housewives into lusty porn stars, ready for the taking!

In reality though, constant readiness is a lot of work, and gosh darn it, much of the time, I will say no anyway.  Not only because I'm not in the mood, but quite often as a means to control my spouse.  He's so desperate for sex, I could dress like a lesbian gym teacher and he would still manage a boner.  Seriously though, I am serious.  Eking out a little low maintenance me-time, is a treasured pleasure.  Greasy hair and socks with Birkenstocks, thank you very much, are a little piece of heaven for this unprepared, mother of two.

I am thus going to maintain a state of selective readiness.  There is a appalling lack of spontaneity in married life, so my preparation energy is rationed for those times I know I will really need it.  Like tomorrow evening, when my husband will be returning from a week-long boys' trip.  I'll have a little extra somethin'-somethin' planned for him.  I'll shave all the appropriate areas, launder my one pair of sexy drawers and bingo-bango let's do the tango!