Girly Men

Photo by Siti Saad.

I have a much harder time relating to "girly girls" than I do to "girly men".  "Girly girls" squeal and grin alot and their energy exhausts me.  Their obvious perfection irks me with the certainty that they must neglect the truly important things in their lives.  They are ever perky, with dewy skin and pressed clothing.  They express the most exuberant interest in every small detail. "Hiiiiiiii!!!! It is soooo great to see yoou!! I absolutely l-o-v-e that color on you! We haave to get together!" they bleat.  I can usually  muster some extra peppiness and respond in kind, agreeing that we absolutely MUST get together (despite the fact that we have never before gathered together socially).  And that is as far as the conversation goes.  They are small-talk masters, leaving me to wonder if they have any depth at all.

I want to look like a "girly girl", I just don't want to be one.  I admitted recently that I am a "manly girl"...more in touch with my masculine side than the average girl.  I am competitive and throw like a guy.  I like debating political issues and my voice has a low timber.  Of course, my hands (see Man Hands blog) confirm this fact.  The fellow I came out to, if you will, also confessed to being a man more in touch with his feminine side, or to paraphrase, a "girly man".  I agreed with him, eyeing his baby-blue, gingham shirt.  "You must get called a metrosexual a lot," I observed.

"Yes, and I hate that term," he replied.  Defensively adding, "This gingham shirt is very "in" in Conneticut right now."

"Not many men can pull off gingham," I added supportively.

He and I then began to discuss the blurring lines between male and female gender roles.  The scale looks something like this:

Manly Man--Girly Man---Pat*---Manly Girl--Girly Girl

*(Recall the SNL skit about Pat...the person they could never tell if he/she were male or female and they always tried to slyly get Pat to give them some clue as to his/her gender identity?) 

Once upon a time, men were men and women were women.  Mostly women stayed women because men repressed them, but here we are now in the modern era, where more women work and more men stay home taking care of the kids.  Women have demanded greater sensitivity and communication skills, while men have asked for less crying and more sex.  As we talk about the feminizing of men, we cannot ignore the simultaneous, masculization of women. 

As a "manly girl" I am often conflicted between my desire to kick ass at sports and my desire to be pretty and pampered.  Likewise, "girly men" dress nice and communicate, but they struggle with stereotyping and football history. 

This evolution was hard fought, growing out of women's libaration and a wave of 90's, self-help books.  Even though we have gotten what we wished for, we may have crossed these gender lines too far, causing some to revert back to more traditional roles.  A gender bending tipping point is at hand.  The dichotomy of this issue is explored in the Time magazine article, "Families: When Venus Crosses Mars".  Francine Russo reports that deep down, our expectations of what makes a woman a woman and what makes a man a man, remain pretty traditional.   A man can be intimidated by a successful woman, just as a women can be turned off by a needy guy.

The term "Retrosexual" has emerged, as the antithesis of the "metrosexual".  Retrosexuality, as defined by the Urban dictionary, is " that woman who eschews the sexual-revolution plank of feminism in favor of more-traditional values...A little burlesque, a little Betty Crocker, the retrosexual woman has new-fangled spunk and old-fashioned values." For men, this term refers to "a guy who actually likes women instead of wanting to act like them. He uses no hair care products except for white rain shampoo, has several flannel shirts, and owns at least one pair of work boots."  Despite this emerging trend, I wouldn't stop getting in touch with your emotions just yet fellas.

If you recall my man-bashing blog "Stuck in the 1950's" I railed against what I perceive as the faster maturing woman, embracing her newer, more non-traditional role more fully and quickly than the resistant "manly man".  More specifically, I was bashing my husband and my growing resentment that I had increased my bread-winning role, while he hadn't increased house-husbandry in equal measure.  Turns out I wasn't just being a bitch!  In a 2010 Newsweek article, "Men's Lib", an appalling lack of  "gender parity" still exists, despite the advances in men's emotional growth.  The authors write: 

"Despite apparent progress—young couples believe in coparenting and sharing the household chores—very little has actually changed. The average wife still does roughly double the housework of the average husband: the equivalent of two full workdays of additional chores each week. Even when the man is unemployed, the woman handles a majority of the domestic workload, and it’s the same story with child care. If both parents are working, women spend 400 percent more time with the kids. Meanwhile, the number of fatherless kids in America has nearly tripled since 1960, and the percentage of men who call themselves stay-at-home dads has stalled below 3 percent. The old roles, say sociologists, are hard to shake."

Expectations of men as equal participants in the home and with kids are still pretty low.  Liz Cullen and Lev Grossman write for Time magazine, "Dads admit they get fussed over for things moms do every day."  In their article "Fatherhood 2.0", a father of two remarks, "Sometimes you're treated like a dog walking on its hind legs--'Oh, look, he can do laundry!'"  There are definitely mixed messages developed from the combination of our enlightened expectations and our traditional experience.

Society doesn't look favorably on men or women who step outside of gender boundaries.  I am sure you can think of times when stereotyping has led to conclusions of "girly men" being gay or "manly women" being lesbian.  The term "metrosexual" translates to borderline homosexual.  Gender roles are identified by behaviour, how we dress and what we do.  I try to disguise myself as a "girly girl" to meet this feminine standard, just as "girly men" will disguise themselves with hunting attire even if they don't hunt.  “Conceiving of masculinity as something to be”—a part to play—“turns manliness into [something] ornamental, and about as ‘masculine’ as fake eyelashes are inherently ‘feminine,” states Susan Faludi in the Newsweek article.

I like my "girly man" acquaintance.  We talk about relationships, fashion, and political philosophy.  I find "girly men" multifaceted- at once sensitive partners and accomplished cooks, athletic over-achievers and able shopping companions.  As gender lines continue to blur, subsequent generations will have less defined roles for men and women.  In an ideal world, both sexes could engender the best characteristics of the opposite sex.  Perhaps that means the world one day will be over-run with "Pats", confidently sporting baby-blue gingham.