Keeping the Spark Alive

Photo by TheChanel.  made you look.

Few of us would consider stress as a  key "spice of life", but according to Dr. Hans Seyle, stress is actually necessary for survival.  In 1975 Dr. Seyle referred to as Dr. Stress, coined the term "eustress" to describe a form of stress that is actually positive and associated with enjoyable times in our lives.   In fact, it is something we all seek out, perhaps without knowing it.   It is a necessary part of emotional health. Stressmatters.com writes "Eustress is the term used for positive stress and [it] is usually working for the individual to improve performance i.e. when tackling interesting and stimulating tasks, being creative and productive, achieving goals and desires or participating in competitive sports. People deliberately put themselves into these situations knowing they can handle it and hoping to enjoy the benefits that eustress delivers such as excitement, increased confidence and self-esteem, improved health etc. "

It's absence can lead to the "blahs".  Getting stuck in a rut, either with work or in your marriage, can deprive the body of this positive stress, and lead to depression, apathy and poor motivation.  In the book, "Reclaiming the Fire: How Successful People Overcome Burnout", Dr. Steven Berglas describes the story of a polar bear in the central park zoo, who was starving himself.  Zookeepers discovered that his life in captivity was too stress free. His food was put out for him. There were no struggles or risk.  Eventually they began hiding his food, forcing him to "hunt" for it.  The polar bear thrived in response to this small change.  Our nature requires us to feel challenged, to take risks and work for our survival.  Turns out, we bore easily.
 
This topic interests me from two perspectives.  The first, as it relates to career burnout and the second, as it relates to keeping marriages interesting.  Seems a little eustress is needed to keep the spark alive in both instances.  Dr. Berglas writes, "Striving for success captures the essence of play, whereas sustaining success is work".  He notes that when we are younger in our careers, we take more risks.  The road to success is filled with challenges and ultimately rewards for their mastery. When we hit mid-life, we become more conservative and take less risks.  Often we feel that if we leave our stable careers the risks of losing all that we have attained is too great.  This feeling of being "trapped" in a career or not having the ability to move on to a new challenge leads to burnout. Dr. Berglas affirms that "success marks an ending and, in a very real way, a loss-of challenge, purpose or inspiration".  To stay motivated we need a balanced dose of challenge, innovation and change.
 
He describes similar issues in marriage, as we become used to or accommodated to the same kind of stimulus, including that with long term lovers or partners.  There is a certain amount of eustress found in the first flirtations, the pursuit of a spouse, planning the wedding, and on to having kids.  In time, as we begin to maintain the status quo, we literally begin getting bored.  In his book, he shares "The Penny Principle" used by marriage psychologists.  For every time you have sex in the first year of your relationship, put a penny in a jar.  The number of pennies in the jar will then represent the number of times you will have sex for the rest of your marriage.  There is some truth to this tragically sad example.  Unless we keep things interesting, the sameness of a long term relationship becomes boring.  If we fail to actively pursue or introduce change, we may end up pursuing "strange". 
 
It is easy enough to imagine what one can do in a relationship to keep a little healthy eustress around.  Introducing novel bedroom exploits, engaging in new activities as a couple, and accomplishing goals together can all enhance the do-able risk and reward system needed to feel engaged and excited.  Stagnant relationships are hard to revive and this is where I guess the "marriage is work" comes into play...remember it is work to maintain whereas it is play to strive for success. 
 
Too bad that simply adding a vibrator to the workplace wouldn't create the zest and passion for our careers we once felt.  No, there is a little more work to be done.  For some, finding new challenges or environments in which to transfer skills can be enough to periodically up the eustress ante.  For others, seeking entirely new careers may be the only answer.  Of course if you are paralyzed by mid-life fiscal conservatism, this is easier said than done.  One recommendation of Dr. Berglas is for professional careerists to create a parallel career.  This career is explored while maintaining your primary career and affords us the opportunity to discover that we won't starve to death if we jump ship.  He describes the story of several successful careerists who were eventually able to make their parallel careers their primary ones, allowing them to find both mental fulfillment and monetary gain.
 
Writing, as a side job, for me, allows me to develop a parallel career.  Novel enough to offer a healthy blend of putting myself out there and working at succeeding at something new.  Maybe someday I can make this my main career, but for now it fulfills some of my eustress needs.  The trick for some might be discovering what second career floats their eustress boat.  In my marriage, I have definitely found that the more connected we are with activities and shared challenges, as long as they aren't so stressful as to become distressful, I feel more interested and passionate with my husband.  Keeping sex interesting is a work in progress.  A part of keeping the spark alive sometimes involves stepping outside of our comfort zones.  I also laugh easily, which might be inhibitory to some of these sex-capades.

Blog in Brief: Tortilla Chip Anyone?

photo by markhillary.

Yet another pubic novice and Girly Girl panel member, has gone down the road to Brazilia.  Bald save for a "cute" little triangle and her husband doesn't know... yet.  She's headed to the beach, and apparently, on the television show "The Doctors", the full Brazilian was recommended for cleanliness reasons.  Have you seen the host doc on that show?  I'd wax it off if he said so too!

The more I talk about waxing, the more I learn about it.  Recently, on a kid's swim meet, some 'rents and I were in the bar getting tipsy.  One chatty mom, whom I can rely on to talk openly and completely uncensored-ly, and I began sharing our know-how on pube removal.  She shared a special valentine's story, whence opon a time, she left a pubic patch shaped like a heart...and dyed it pink! 

WTF?  Coloring your pubes?  Apparently, there are a bunch of pube dying products from a variety of lines, including "Lucky Betty" (which you can order on Amazon.com).  Safer than using typical hair dyes, these dyes are much gentler and designed for the unique needs of the pubic mound.  There are a variety of colors, from Lucky Green (Saint Paddy's anyone?) to Bridal Blue (who said your pubic hair couldn't be the "Something Blue"?)  If you can talk your waxing specialist into shaping your token puff, you can dye it to enhance the effect.  For Christmas how about a Christmas tree, died an appealing Evergreen Green?  (What a fun present under that tree!)

Whether you opt to wax it, trim it, shape it, color it, or disguise it with a wig (See Rhymes With Gherkin), there are endless ways to manipulate your curly ladies!

Blog in Brief: Tell Me What You Really Think!

Photo by psyberartist.

I am a big supporter of compliments...honest compliments.  With my recent, dramatic, hair color change, I have been observing the various reactions people give upon seeing it for the first time.  I am pretty comfortable with how I feel about it, and am enjoying the various ways people tell me what they think.  Here are a few of my favorite responses:

1.  "Wow!  That is really dark!  I guess it will grow out."  This one was from my mother-in-law.  From her, it was perfect.  It was apparent by her comment as well as her facial expression while delivering it, she thought my new look horrendous. 

2.  "Wow!  You got your hair colored!  Do you like it?"  I am guessing these people think my hair looks so surprisingly bad there is no way I could like it.  If I told them how much I had paid to get it done they would likely crap themselves! Inherent in the question is the uncertainty of whether this was an intentional change or an accident gone horribly wrong.  To avoid accidentally complimenting my hair in the event that I am mortally embarrassed, they are checking in with me first, to help them decide which way they should go. 

For example, they could say "Yikes!  What happened to your hair?" and if I love it, face an awkward moment.  Or they could say "Oh! I love what you have done to your hair!" when I despise it.  This form of testing the compliment water, is a win win for everyone.

3.  "Wow your hair looks great!"  said while quickly glancing away.  This is an obvious lie. These people are "pleasers" by nature, and cannot avoid saying something positive regardless of their true feelings. As I become more observant to the various reactions, I grow more aware of those who are being honest and those are not. 

4.  "Oh!  You got your hair done!" and that's all they say.  These people are avoiding telling you what they really think.  If they liked it, they would just say so.  Since they can't tell you that, and aren't willing to lie like those in Number 3, they plead the 5th.  I realize these people do not like the new look, but it is so obvious I had it done, they can't elect to pretend they don't notice anything.

5.  "I really like your hair like that!"  These people are my favorite!  They obviously have wonderful taste!

Hairspray and Nylons

Photo by seanmcgrath.

Every girl you know well,
Likes sweet gifts a lot.
But crap gifts,
Without thought, she
despises A LOT!

Men dread girl-gift-giving, the panicked shopping trip!
It's not in their genetics! Can we blame them a bit?
It could be their minds don't think quite like ours.
It could be they spend too much time in cheap stores.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May be that they're not paying attention to their women at all.

Whatever the reason,
He's just dumb or a prick,
He better buy something, and get it right quick!

"Oh shit! It's Valentine's", he realizes late.
"I better get something, and it better be great!"
For this evening he knew,
His girl would be looking for a Valentine's gift.
And if he didn't deliver,
She'd Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!

Then he'd be shut out for any Valentine action!
He hated her power, her over-reaction!
"I must get something awesome that will make her put out!"
"7-Eleven! I hope you are open!" he shouts.

Then he got an idea!
A simple idea!
That prick, got a wonderful, simple idea!

If it's thoughtfulness she wants, he thought to himself,
I'm sure I can't buy that on a convenience store's shelves.
Perhaps if I love her and show her I care,
I'll still get some nooky and some action down there!
Just in case he mis-read her, he backed up his plan,
And bought her some roses, a card and some spam! (sort of rhymes with plan?)

Gift giving in relationships can be a dodgey issue.  For the woman in a relationship, the amount of effort put forth and the type of gift they recieve, are strong indicators of their partner's feelings for them. Unbeknownst to some men, their whole relationship could very well hinge on their gift giving skills.  When women buy gifts, if they like you at all, the process involves a complete search of their memory archives for any hint you may have given, suggesting that you liked, wanted or needed something.  Their innate shopping prowess, enables them to find the most thoughtful and perfect gift for any occasion.

Men on the other hand, have a reputation for poor gift giving and shopping ability.  This is a broad generalization I know, but it does hold true for most men.  Girly men are a breed unto themselves (See: Girly Men blog) and are endowed with as much gift giving prowess as any woman. Blessed be the woman who loves a girly man!  Bad gifts by men are so common they are cliche!  Several factors influence a man's gift giving challenged-ness.  These include last minute panic shopping, budget concious bath product purchases, lack of retention of their partner's favorite things (despite a plentitude of poorly disguised hints) and failure to recall special occasions.

What are your lady's favorite flowers?  Does she prefer chocolate or caramel?  Is she willing to bathe herself in Walmart bath products? Is she offended when you up-size her lingerie?  Simple questions to be sure...ones that any woman could answer in a heartbeat, drawing from her extensive "I Love You" information vault. 

"Aren't I just being materialistic and shallow about this?", many might question.  Probably, yes.  However, women are conditioned from very early on in life, from their mothers, friends, etc., that proper gift giving, though not necessarily linked to extravagence, must be carried out with the greatest degree of thoughtfulness and creativity.  Unless we expend our best effort on a gift, we cannot, in good concious, give it!  Our disappointment in poorly given gifts is therefore a conditioned response.

In truth, when I was younger, crap gifts really bothered me.  Early on, before my husband and I were married, we shared our first Christmas.  To me, a lot was riding on his gift selection.  A meaningful, romantic gift might suggest our relationship was moving to the next level, but a more generic gift might suggest he wasn't very serious about us.  He got me a day planner.  He defended himself by telling me it was expensive and he knew I needed one.  To me, the day planner signified a dead end in our relationship.  I was gravely disappointed.

With age, comes wisdom, and my appreciation of the fact that whatever a man takes the time to get a woman as a gift, means something.  For a man to step out of his comfort zone and shop is a big deal.  Sometimes he'll knock it out of the ball park and sometimes he won't.  Need and want are equal gift qualities for a man.  If you get a set of knives for your birthday, it is because you said you needed them, not because he wants you to cook for him.

My father was the worst, greatest gift giver of all time.  He was a very stoic man.  Uber manly.  He was incapable of being mushy.  He also only shopped for gifts maybe a half dozen times in all of the years I knew him.  My mother told me when they were courting years ago, he bought her nylons and hairspray from the local dime store.  At first, this might sound trivial, perhaps even thoughtless.  My mother was overcome by the sweetness of this gift. She grew up in a very poor family, and was unable, like all of the rest of the girls, to afford these basic girly items.  My father had identified that, and in his heart, gave her something he knew she wanted but couldn't get for herself.  I can only imagine how embarassed he was as a young teen, walking up to the counter to pay for these items.  What a sign of love!  I still have the sparkly key chain he bought me, when I was 16.  My name is spelled in rainbow colored letters, and encased in a plastic shell.  It was the first and I believe only gift he bought for me himself, and to me it is priceless.

My husband, in his own, sweet, special way rocked his Valentine's gift.  He got me roses...not my favorite flowers, but lovely.  He bought me a bag of Kraft caramels...proud to have remembered I prefer caramel over chocolate.  He surprised me with dinner reservations and a babysitter for the kids, fooling me by telling me to meet him and the kids at a local pizza joint, whence upon my arrival he whisked me away to a romantic dinner, with great wine and conversation.  These gifts might not have been right for any other woman, but they were perfect for me.

Getting My Mid-Life Groove Back

Photo by chefranden.

Mid-life attacks you from many different angles. There is the inevitable loss of youth and the looming question, “Is this all there is?” As I continue with my own midlife journey, I am trying to identify the issues I need to get a hold on to help clear this growing unease from my mind. The first area I am trying to address is my career and my declining motivation, and attitude towards it (See blog “Mid-life: Half Empty or Half Full”).


I have been feeling this burn out for a number of years, and continue to try and muscle through these feelings, expecting them to pass. The problem is that they don’t go away. I can bury them under some other focus for a while, but eventually the feeling comes back. Certain parts of my job continue to stimulate and engage me, remnants of intrinsic rewards I felt earlier on in my career. Other parts of my job, the ones that are persistent, unchanging issues, bear down on me, like some enormous weight that squashes any passion resurrected by the other aspects.

At times I try and avoid dealing with these loathsome tasks. The result is a form of procrastination that only intensifies these issues, keeping them at the edges of everything else I try and accomplish. Facing them head on offers some relief, however the knowledge that the same sets of issues will inevitably crop up time and time again, deflates any sense of success I might have felt. I think about dissecting my job or delegating away these issues, but my specialized knowledge with regards to these areas, makes that impossible.

One cause of burn out, is making yourself irreplaceable. If you are the best resource for a given task, then the task will be assigned to you. Even if you do re-assign the task, you will likely have to micromanage it so much, that you may as well have done it yourself. Mentoring someone to be able to handle this task is one strategy, but finding the right, trustworthy person to complete the task to your and other’s expectations can be a challenge. Knowing that you will always be the “go-to-guy” for certain tasks, builds up pressure from performance expectations. With that comes the knowledge that people will grow to expect the same successful outcomes, to the same degree, every time you are met with this task. This is intensified if you are an expert in a career field, whom others look to for answers.

Within my own career, I have achieved the highest level, outside of teaching or academia that I can achieve. In my professional group, I have no mentors- I am the teacher. I continue to build my own knowledge with experience and reading etc. but there isn’t anyone I am trying to “best” anymore. There are very few things that I can add to my job that are challenging. A career that at one point I had to struggle to master and create a reputation within has become repetitive and mundane.

When I was striving to build this reputation, I had very few boundaries. I would work long hours, opening my schedule to meet just about any client request that was asked of me. Now, years later, I realize that there is an expectation that I will still do that. My new, more balanced self, realizes that this loss of control is a big part of my burn out. I am giving myself permission to set boundaries and to hold them strongly. Simple things, like taking a lunch hour. I have worked for 17 years, willing to give up or not take a lunch hour, for the benefit of my clients. The simplicity of this “fix” has relieved some of my resentment towards my job. In a larger sense, it allows me to see that I can set boundaries that I value, without compromising my career.

I sat down and made a list of things that I felt were out of balance in my life: work, family time, me time etc. I then created a Value Framework: of these issues, which was likely to affect me the most negatively if I continued to short change it. From there, I identified what tasks within that issue I could perform, and feel I had met my desired level of participation or commitment. I was then able to look at my schedule as a whole and determine where I could plug these tasks in. For example, spending time volunteering at my kid’s school was an important item (Perfect Mom Peer Pressure). Friday is a great day for that, as there is a consistent schedule of activities that require and encourage parent participation. Voila! I set Fridays aside to fulfill this need and help me keep balance. It also serves the “Me Time” need, as I can sneak in some exercise or writing or whatever, around these activities.

Restructuring my schedule, using this framework, has helped. I have clear boundaries and I am finding more balance between all of the things I want to be doing. This plan isn’t fool proof however. My good intentions get shot to hell when unexpected issues come up that demand I rearrange my schedule. I have noted that because of the modest amount of control I have regained by aligning my schedule with my Value Framework, my annoyance at these events is less.

When you feel burn out, your first instinct might be to change careers and quit altogether. Lord knows I have thought of that time and time again. Financial obligations tie me to my career. I have let that thought morph into the feeling of being trapped by my career, increasing my sense of loss of control. Each of the small steps I have taken and will continue to take, have helped me to regain better balance in my life. I am more hopeful now, that if I can rework my Value Framework correctly, I just might start finding enjoyment in my job again.

Falling Back

Photo by Oedipushinx.

Before his heart attack there were warning signs. He ignored them. He was having the season of his career, setting personal bests, and in contention for his field’s overall title. Nearing the end of the cycling race that finally forced his heart over the edge, Scott prepared to push to the front. He suddenly lost power, the pack moved away. “What the hell just happened?” he thought. Time slowed,the people around him began to fade into the background. “Scott, are you all right?” they shouted as he crossed the finish line alone. He could barely hear them. A sense of dread began to build. “The buzzards were circling” he says, “I was overcome by an urgent need to call my wife.” The quick action of friends and the fortunate presence of an onsite cardiologist saved his life.

Scott Kasin, an elite master’s level cyclist, joins a surprisingly large group of athletes who, despite their lack of apparent risk factors, have experienced a myocardial infarction (MI) or heart attack. “Just because you’re an athlete and your heart it strong, does not mean you are immune” he says, in a demeanor framed two year later, with lingering disbelief that he is a heart attack survivor. “I did everything in my power to avoid the truth that I had had a heart attack”.

Talking to this educated, superbly fit, 43 year old, it is easy to see how everyone, including himself were fooled into believing he was safe. Words like lean and ripped perfectly describe his well trained physique. Many millions of Americans will have similar experiences. Half a million of them will die. Cardiovascular disease related conditions carry a price tag of $500 billion dollars annually. One in three Americans has it, more than breast cancer and lung cancer combined. More funding goes to fighting and researching cancer than heart disease despite its’ standing at the top of the people-killing podium for both men and women. Someone dies from heart disease in the United States every 38 seconds.

Grimmer still is the fact that half of those who die will not have any of the risk factors that we commonly associate with the disease. “There is a lot of conflicting information out there. A lot of guidelines that are currently used for diagnosis and treatment are outdated.” He insists that there are better options with greater life saving potential. His frustration is evident as he recounts his own missed opportunities to prevent an experience that has left a portion of his heart muscle scarred and lifeless.

“It fucking hurt!” he says, grimacing as he recalls how the attack felt. “It was like no pain anyone should ever feel.” Knowing the warning signs is the key to getting immediate medical treatment to prevent long term damage. Pain, discomfort or pressures, outside of your normal sensations, in the arms, neck, back, jaw or chest are major symptoms. Scott is adamant that people understand that the chest is not just the area of the “pledge of allegiance” but the entire area from your collar bone to the base of your ribs. “I thought I had indigestion and was clutching my stomach”, he explains, “I now realize I was actually clutching my chest”. Nausea, headache, loss of energy or performance in a previously easy activity and a sense of impending doom, one that Scott vividly remembers, are all warning signs that should alert you to see a doctor immediately.

Scott is concerned that when men get their blood test results back from their doctors, they aren’t paying attention. It is his and other expert opinions, that the greatest risk factor for developing the disease is a low level of HDL (high density lipoproteins) or good fats in the overall lipid profile. HDL levels below 40 are considered high risk for developing the disease. This is the one area that Scott did not address in his own profile, and the one he feels led to his attack. Keeping LDL (low density lipoproteins) or the bad fat below 100 is important to balance out the equation for reduced risk. It is widely accepted that blood tests that assess cholesterol levels should occur every 5 years in men over 35.

There are other lesser known variables that increase risk. Family history nearly doubles the risk of developing heart disease. Scott also learned through genetic testing that he is a carrier of something known as the KIF6 gene, which has been shown to correlate with a 55% increased risk of developing this disease. Not typically part of the routine risk profiling, this simple test, involves swabbing the inside of the cheek and sending the resultant tissue sample to a lab.

He remains concerned that the best available care is withheld because it is expensive, and insurance companies opt for the lower cost, less accurate technology. Scott has worked closely with physician groups from Berkeley Heart Lab in California and the Weatherhead PET Imaging Center at the University of Texas Medical School at Houston, two organizations that offer the most complete and accurate risk assessment available. One type of testing that they do, boasting 98% accuracy, is a PET scan. The PET scan (Positron Emission Technology), according to the Weatherhead website offers “the most advanced and accurate non-invasive technology for visualizing blood flow in the heart muscle...” Their onsite laboratories use a variety of advanced blood screening tools to determine individuals who possess the greatest degree of risk for heart disease and who would be good candidates for the PET scan.

Responding to the fear of another heart attack, in part to empower and educate himself, Scott established the nonprofit organization MIaware. Working with Optimal Care Providers, “heart crusaders” he calls them, cardiovascular physicians and specialists, Scott’s mission is to educate and inform the public about the reality of heart disease. He encourages everyone to be their own advocate- to seek out the best and most proactive doctors they can find. Despite everything he has been through over the last two years and what he continues to live with every day, Scott declares his heart attack year as “… the best year of my life. I took a year out of my life, focusing on nothing but my family and getting well. I pay attention now, to every test and every number so I won’t be ignorant again.”

To learn more about Scott and his organization MIaware please visit www.MIaware.org.

Girly Men

Photo by Siti Saad.

I have a much harder time relating to "girly girls" than I do to "girly men".  "Girly girls" squeal and grin alot and their energy exhausts me.  Their obvious perfection irks me with the certainty that they must neglect the truly important things in their lives.  They are ever perky, with dewy skin and pressed clothing.  They express the most exuberant interest in every small detail. "Hiiiiiiii!!!! It is soooo great to see yoou!! I absolutely l-o-v-e that color on you! We haave to get together!" they bleat.  I can usually  muster some extra peppiness and respond in kind, agreeing that we absolutely MUST get together (despite the fact that we have never before gathered together socially).  And that is as far as the conversation goes.  They are small-talk masters, leaving me to wonder if they have any depth at all.

I want to look like a "girly girl", I just don't want to be one.  I admitted recently that I am a "manly girl"...more in touch with my masculine side than the average girl.  I am competitive and throw like a guy.  I like debating political issues and my voice has a low timber.  Of course, my hands (see Man Hands blog) confirm this fact.  The fellow I came out to, if you will, also confessed to being a man more in touch with his feminine side, or to paraphrase, a "girly man".  I agreed with him, eyeing his baby-blue, gingham shirt.  "You must get called a metrosexual a lot," I observed.

"Yes, and I hate that term," he replied.  Defensively adding, "This gingham shirt is very "in" in Conneticut right now."

"Not many men can pull off gingham," I added supportively.

He and I then began to discuss the blurring lines between male and female gender roles.  The scale looks something like this:

Manly Man--Girly Man---Pat*---Manly Girl--Girly Girl

*(Recall the SNL skit about Pat...the person they could never tell if he/she were male or female and they always tried to slyly get Pat to give them some clue as to his/her gender identity?) 

Once upon a time, men were men and women were women.  Mostly women stayed women because men repressed them, but here we are now in the modern era, where more women work and more men stay home taking care of the kids.  Women have demanded greater sensitivity and communication skills, while men have asked for less crying and more sex.  As we talk about the feminizing of men, we cannot ignore the simultaneous, masculization of women. 

As a "manly girl" I am often conflicted between my desire to kick ass at sports and my desire to be pretty and pampered.  Likewise, "girly men" dress nice and communicate, but they struggle with stereotyping and football history. 

This evolution was hard fought, growing out of women's libaration and a wave of 90's, self-help books.  Even though we have gotten what we wished for, we may have crossed these gender lines too far, causing some to revert back to more traditional roles.  A gender bending tipping point is at hand.  The dichotomy of this issue is explored in the Time magazine article, "Families: When Venus Crosses Mars".  Francine Russo reports that deep down, our expectations of what makes a woman a woman and what makes a man a man, remain pretty traditional.   A man can be intimidated by a successful woman, just as a women can be turned off by a needy guy.

The term "Retrosexual" has emerged, as the antithesis of the "metrosexual".  Retrosexuality, as defined by the Urban dictionary, is " that woman who eschews the sexual-revolution plank of feminism in favor of more-traditional values...A little burlesque, a little Betty Crocker, the retrosexual woman has new-fangled spunk and old-fashioned values." For men, this term refers to "a guy who actually likes women instead of wanting to act like them. He uses no hair care products except for white rain shampoo, has several flannel shirts, and owns at least one pair of work boots."  Despite this emerging trend, I wouldn't stop getting in touch with your emotions just yet fellas.

If you recall my man-bashing blog "Stuck in the 1950's" I railed against what I perceive as the faster maturing woman, embracing her newer, more non-traditional role more fully and quickly than the resistant "manly man".  More specifically, I was bashing my husband and my growing resentment that I had increased my bread-winning role, while he hadn't increased house-husbandry in equal measure.  Turns out I wasn't just being a bitch!  In a 2010 Newsweek article, "Men's Lib", an appalling lack of  "gender parity" still exists, despite the advances in men's emotional growth.  The authors write: 

"Despite apparent progress—young couples believe in coparenting and sharing the household chores—very little has actually changed. The average wife still does roughly double the housework of the average husband: the equivalent of two full workdays of additional chores each week. Even when the man is unemployed, the woman handles a majority of the domestic workload, and it’s the same story with child care. If both parents are working, women spend 400 percent more time with the kids. Meanwhile, the number of fatherless kids in America has nearly tripled since 1960, and the percentage of men who call themselves stay-at-home dads has stalled below 3 percent. The old roles, say sociologists, are hard to shake."

Expectations of men as equal participants in the home and with kids are still pretty low.  Liz Cullen and Lev Grossman write for Time magazine, "Dads admit they get fussed over for things moms do every day."  In their article "Fatherhood 2.0", a father of two remarks, "Sometimes you're treated like a dog walking on its hind legs--'Oh, look, he can do laundry!'"  There are definitely mixed messages developed from the combination of our enlightened expectations and our traditional experience.

Society doesn't look favorably on men or women who step outside of gender boundaries.  I am sure you can think of times when stereotyping has led to conclusions of "girly men" being gay or "manly women" being lesbian.  The term "metrosexual" translates to borderline homosexual.  Gender roles are identified by behaviour, how we dress and what we do.  I try to disguise myself as a "girly girl" to meet this feminine standard, just as "girly men" will disguise themselves with hunting attire even if they don't hunt.  “Conceiving of masculinity as something to be”—a part to play—“turns manliness into [something] ornamental, and about as ‘masculine’ as fake eyelashes are inherently ‘feminine,” states Susan Faludi in the Newsweek article.

I like my "girly man" acquaintance.  We talk about relationships, fashion, and political philosophy.  I find "girly men" multifaceted- at once sensitive partners and accomplished cooks, athletic over-achievers and able shopping companions.  As gender lines continue to blur, subsequent generations will have less defined roles for men and women.  In an ideal world, both sexes could engender the best characteristics of the opposite sex.  Perhaps that means the world one day will be over-run with "Pats", confidently sporting baby-blue gingham. 

Too Bad About Your Kids...

Photo from haley8's photostream.

I have a friend that doesn't think very highly of my kids. It's in the little things she says and does.  "My son never used potty talk until he started hanging out with your son" or "God your kids are loud!" (as her son screams and shouts whilst being dragged to the breakfast table).  This all without noting her own child's shortcomings. She believes that her child can do no wrong and any negative issue is the fault of or the result of the influence of another, evil child. 

If he can't jump on the pogo-stick it must be broken or if toys are destroyed somebody else did it.  Her son has learned this attitude well, and blames others for everything.  This attitude shows itself over and over again is small subtle digs, that when added up over time, paint a pretty clear picture of her opinion of my kids.  I think her opinion formed in part because of her impression of me and my husband.  This opinion is based upon her judgements of the cleanliness of our house, our personal fashion, her impression of the way we live our lives, etc.  Her son is smarter than mine, reading novels in pre-school and mastering division by kindergarten.  In her mind she and her children are superior. 

I grew up poor.  Welfare, powdered-milk, always hungry, poor.  The kind of poor where we'd wait for the bi-annual welfare windfall that would propel us to the local discount retailer, to stock up on flammable pajamas and magically, shrinking jeans.  The kind where you go to the laundromat once per month to wash your well worn, filthy clothes.  I have fond memories of leaving the laundromat with black garbage bags filled with fresh smelling clothes, that I would ration, hoping to make them last, so I could spend the majority of the month reasonably clean. I remember girls in sixth grading taunting me when a cute, popular boy liked me, "How can you like a girl who wears the same clothes, every day?", they questioned.  It was obviously an unspeakable sin.  I had no idea how many times I should wear clothes, I just wore what was cleanest.

I like having that experience in my past even though it was really hard at the time.  When I look back on it, I realize how much I was judged by that, as if others around me were incapable of understanding that my financial standing had nothing to do with me, an unemployed kid.  I remember a friend, whose mother was always suspicious of me.  If a soda or goody bag were unaccounted for, she always accused me.  I came to expect it, and fear it.  I didn't quite know how to convince her that I was a good kid who had never stolen or taken anything, even though I didn't have much of my own.  I think I spent much of my childhood defending myself against a pre-judgement that as a child I could never possibly understand.  I knew that no matter how much good I did, people would accuse me first.  I realize now that their expectations of me and my potential were lower based upon my poverty.  It is also understandable, why I have become oversensitive to the judgements others might make about my own children.

To borrow a phrase, from Lenore Skenazy, I grew up pretty much as a "Free Range" kid.  Skenazy, who at one time in history, was described as the "Worst Mom in America", for letting her nine year old son ride on the New York subway, alone, hosts the website Freerangekids.wordpress.com and is the author of the book "Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Kids the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry".  My life wasn't carefully orchestrated, it was chaotic.  At seven and nine my sister and I went everywhere, alone.  We had no after school activities, and didn't begin participating in athletics until high school.  Playdates didn't exist, we just walked down the street to the neighbor kids and I am pretty sure I didn't begin reading well, until fourth grade.

I find myself raising my own free range children, in the generation of "Overparenters" or what I like to call "Comparative Parents".  Don't get me wrong, I read with my kids and sign them up for soccer, but I am not as concerned with the tidiness of their rooms, whether their clothes match and whether some chocolate pudding might pool upon their faces for a few moments before it gets wiped away.  On a good day, my kids look like homeless children, evidence of the high kid-quality of their day. 

Overparenting is described by psychologists as the excessive micromanaging of our children's lives with the emphasis on achievement and is the pervasive parenting style of upper and middle class families today, according to Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, noted child psychologist.  Perfect Mom Culture tells us that for our children to be successful and for us to demonstrate exceptional parenting, our children must be sleeping through the night at three months, be fully potty trained by 12 months and have been awarded a full scholarship to Harvard by age five. Every moment must be scheduled with "social skill building" playdates, brain enhancing tutoring and athletic-prowess-building competition. The exact opposite of Free Range parenting, with hyperparenting, according to sociologist Annette Lareau, PhD, "Parents look at raising their children as a "project", something to be managed and organized and programmed.  Academic achievements and athletic accomplishments are valued ahead of relationships and character." 

This brings out the bragging-mom phenomenon, whereby a mom will share a story of her child's exceptional successes, noted to be far superior than those of your child, as she competes in the arena of one-up-man-ship  in the world of perfect mom-dom.   Through this comparison, the mom is asserting her status as a perfect mom, as you can clearly see by the exceptional successes of little Johnny! "There's a way in which an activity is more intense for the mother than it is even for the child," says Lareau. "And the competitive nature of activities is woven into the heart of the process." 

I am tired of other mom's judging my worthiness as a mom by how clean my house is, how well out-fitted my kids are, how many goals they scored in soccer or whether or not they have developed any new scientific theories lately.  There is mutiny afoot as parents begin to revolt against this unattainable parenting perfection.  Websites such as "Shut up About Your Perfect Kid", which embraces underachieving averageness or Honestbaby.com that dispels the myth that bottle-feeding your baby will shrink it's brain and sells baby shirts imprinted with slogans such as "Not Sleeping Through the Night!" and "I'll Walk When I Am Good and Ready!", have popped up in response to this changing mindset. In a 2009 Time Magazine article "Helicopter Parenting: The Backlash Against Overparenting", Nancy Gibbs explores the growing movement of letting kids be kids and reducing expectations.  She writes:

"The insanity crept up on us slowly; we just wanted what was best for our kids. We bought macrobiotic cupcakes and hypoallergenic socks, hired tutors to correct a 5-year-old's "pencil-holding deficiency," hooked up broadband connections in the tree house but took down the swing set after the second skinned knee. 


We were so obsessed with our kids' success that parenting turned into a form of product development. Parents demanded that nursery schools offer Mandarin, since it's never too soon to prepare for the competition of a global economy. High school teachers received irate text messages from parents protesting an exam grade before class was even over..."


Recent uproar over the book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother", by Amy Chua have highlighted the extreme approaches that can be brought to the experience of raising children.  In this book, America is criticized as being too soft on children, and that more structure and less tolerance for failure, paves the road to success in our children.  What gets lost in these debates is the influence of individualism of not only the child, but of the family experience.  Judgements occur when we believe our way of living or doing something is superior to the way someone else is doing it.  By constantly comparing our parenting style and our children's successes with other parents and other children, we are striving to reaffirm these judgements and assert ours and our children's superiority.  Is it me, or does that sound stupid?

Of course like any issue, a balance must be sought in our expectations of ourselves as parents and our children as prodigies.  Celebrating mediocrity or hiding failure behind the need to protect self-esteem, leads to an underachieving, entitled and disillusioned generation.  Whenever I see a "My child is an honor student.." bumper sticker, I cringe, knowing that likely this child has been falsely propped up and seldom allowed to fail or experience real challenge.  According to the Times article, studies show that letting kids be kids in all the awkward, knee skinning, potty talking, peeing in their pants ways is the "...essential protein in a child's emotional diet ... as a means of literally shaping the brain and its pathways".  Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute of Play, states that,"If you look at what produces learning and memory and well-being in life, play is as fundamental as any other aspect.''


In reality, who gives a crap if my daughter brushes her hair everyday, if she has a kind, dreamy soul with an endless imagination?  So what if my son doesn't know all of his letter sounds in kindergarten, if he is sought after by his classmates as a friend?  Despite our free range upbringing, my sisters and I have all ended up just fine and each are very successful. Welfare put my mother through college where she studied computer science, and ended up teaching at the college herself. (I love being involved in political conversations that bash the welfare system, having actual personal experience with it). We all ended up with degrees and careers. It is with great delight that I travel back to my home town and visit the local McDonald's where one of the caddy sixth grade girls now works as the assistant manager. I hope she remembers her previous judgements as I order from her at the drive through window.