Mid-life: Half Empty or Half Full?

Image by identity photogr@phy.

"A mid-life crisis is cliché until you find yourself having one,” according to Sue Schellenbarger, author of The Breaking Point: How Midlife Crisis is Transforming Today’s Women. As the number of career women entering their 40’s increases, so too does the frequency of the mythic Midlife Crisis. Long thought the domain of fragile-egoed, middle-aged men, the mid-life crisis is affecting women more frequently and at earlier ages than their male counterparts. In a Time Magazine article “Midlife Crisis? Bring it On!”, women are reported to be following the stereotypical crisis responses, including buying record numbers of motorcycles and filing for 2/3 of all divorces.

My sudden interest in this phenomenon is driven by my sneaking suspicions that I am smack dab in the middle of my own crisis. Having recently entered my 40’s, I am having some serious life satisfaction issues. I have yet to buy a motorcycle or hook up with a 20 something pool boy, but I find myself struggling to figure out why I feel mired within my own life. As I began researching this issue, I found that there are a substantial number of studies and a variety of opinions about the causes and consequences of the so called “Midlife Crisis”. It seems that trying to comfort middle-agers is quite a business. As those making the transition into the second half of their lives begin to re-evaluate the direction they are heading in, life coaching practices and meditation retreats are proliferating at a staggering rate, as these poor souls search for answers.

Middle age signifies the passing of a significant portion or one’s life, and with it the roles that we had established for ourselves. Discordance occurs when we begin to realize that things that might have seemed right for us in our 20’s or 30’s, no longer fit with who we are now and where we are going in our 40’s and 50’s. Emphasis has shifted from securing a mate or a career and raising children, to a more selfish part of our lives where deferring our own dreams is no longer an option. Often triggered by the sense of getting older or the recognition of the first signs of “physical decay” as Gail Sheehy eloquently states in a 1976 People magazine article, women particularly are driven to try and preserve or recapture their youthfulness or attractiveness, in a perceived now or never mindset. A different clock is ticking, as they see their romantic opportunities dwindling with the first signs of visible aging. Oil of Olay is flying off the shelves and the number of new clinics offering Botox injections for the emotively wrinkled, can’t keep up with the lines of desperate cougars. Eyebrows are becoming increasingly paralyzed, with lips puffing-up nearly as fast as breasts.

I see the evolving changes in my own face and body, and realize that this condition is progressive. I have stepped up my battle against the inevitable effects of gravity, stocking a variety of scrubs and creams designed to keep me looking like the 20 something models who are hired to promote the stuff (like they need it!). My bathroom vanity is so crowded with my expanding beauty regime, that there remains little counter space for my husband to even set his toothbrush. I chalked this up to having more time and interest in my appearance, but I realize it has more to do with hiding the fact that I am getting older. I am certain I am grieving the loss of my youth, but believe it is a small component of my personal midlife experience.

More than wrinkles, there is a feeling of unsettledness, rooted deeply inside me, that I am having trouble pinning down. Dave Schoof, host of TheDisquiet.com, a website targeting male mid-lifers, calls this feeling “unease” or “Disquiet”. I could relate to a lot of what this self-described “Mid-life Survivor” discusses on his site and in his various blogs. He describes this disquiet as the underlying cause of feeling overwhelmed or trapped by life, common symptoms of an impending crisis. The typical responses to a Midlife crisis, such as hooking up with younger partners, jumping out of airplanes or getting face-lifts, are used to try and avoid, numb or disguise the underlying causes of this inner turmoil. Once you can identify what is driving your unease you may realize that “your life might be out of alignment with your deepest values”, according to Mr. Schoof. People experiencing midlife crisis are re-evaluating the way they are living their lives in the context of where they are now and where they want to be.

There is some difference in the way men and women approach this middle aged puberty. Working women may reach a point of burn out and frustration with the overwhelming tasks of care-taking their husbands and children, while at the same time balancing a demanding career. Women may begin to reject the caregiver role, and instead seek out their own fulfillment. Some of this may be hormonal, but I grow tired of every emotional change experienced by a woman being dismissed as merely a product of her hormones.

Some of my “unease” comes from a feeling of loss of control in my life. As most women these days, I wear a lot of different hats: mother, wife, businesswoman, etc. I think part of my problem is that I try and wear all of these hats at the same time. I am never fully present in the moment feeling as if some other area of my life is being neglected. This leads to lots and lots of guilt and stress. “I don’t spend enough time with my kids.” “I am not as invested in my career as I should be.” “There isn’t any time for me anymore.” It is my nature to bend towards the needs of others, but lately I have started to resist this more, and am looking for a little more personal need fulfillment.

My career is one area that I have been reflecting on as I am experiencing tremendous burnout and have been for several years. My first instinct is to quit, and move in a completely different direction. Objectively, that is a poor choice, because I am finally where I want to be with my career, and this is the time I should be reaping the rewards for all of the work and sacrifices made over the last decade and a half. One issue is that the way my career fits into my life now, is vastly different than it was 10 years ago. I feel like it stops me from following my dreams and passions when at one time, it was my dream and passion. Complicating this is that I have a lot of things I want to do that don’t involve my career. I have begun to resent the interference my career causes with the rest of my life.

I think this is a common paradox for professional woman. Diverging needs create conflict and an almost paralytic effect on our ability to figure out what the hell we want to do! We have invested enormous amounts of time and energy into out careers, when suddenly we begin to yearn for something different. It is hard to give up on something we should value more and that we have toiled so hard to achieve.

I am paranoid about my ability to make clear decisions while I undergo this midlife re-awakening. I still am not clear of the cause of my “unease” and thus the means to fix it. Apparently this is a transformative phase in the lives of both men and women. From what I have read, this process isn’t a short one, and it is likely that I will be trying to figure this out for a while. In the short term, I am attempting to align my life with greater balance, and face the things that are unsettling me head-on. I will likely continue to try and stall the inevitable “physical decay” that I am beginning to experience and do my part to keep the anti-aging economy growing. I am also going to avoid any major decisions, much like I do when I am PMS-ing, for fear that I might sabotage some really great things in my life that I might just be having trouble seeing clearly right now.