Bitch and Ye Shall Receive!

Photo by carbonNYC.

So....if you read the post "Stuck in the 1950's", you were privy to some particularly heavy handed husband bashing.  If you are a woman reading the post, you likely recognized the nature of the rant, and appreciate it as the way chicks talk to each other about their boyfriends or hubbies.  It doesn't mean we don't love them, we just happen to share with each other the negative things our husbands do, while seeking support and commiseration.  We seldom share the good things.  It doesn't mean we take them for granted, we just don't need a shoulder to cry on about those.

A man however, reading that blog might become defensive on behalf of the poor guy, and suspect his wife doesn't appreciate him, and is somehow being unfair.  Trust me, your wife or girlfriend has shared such chats with her girlfriends, about you, at least that harshly, and perhaps even more so, depending upon how much you have pissed her off.  The thing about her girlfriends is, they get the purpose of the conversation and understand that the aforementioned rant does not reflect on the entirety of the man or the relationship.

My husband has assured me that he did not read that blog, after I sheepishly asked him.  I told him that I had bashed him pretty good.  I was a little worried about what he might think if he did read it.  I am not sure what specifically triggered him then, to offer to cook and clean for the full two weeks of our recent vacation.  We have a home in the desert, and we keep it cheap by eating in most meals.  I usually do the majority of the cooking and cleaning on vacation too.  At first when he offered, I was skeptical.  This would be something!  He assured me he wasn't joking, and intended to do all the grocery shopping and cook all meals!

And, he did it!  Early on in the vacation, my inner micro manager came forward at the grocery store, to gently prod him in the direction of the organic dairy products and steer him away from the frozen food section.  He told me to "Back off! I've got it!"  I did my best to butt out, and reasoned that drinking the cheap store brand milk or big, white, genetically modified eggs, wouldn't kill me in a mere two weeks.  So I zipped it, and watched him fill the cart with items that I generally would steer clear of.  Things like rainbow color "fruit" roll-ups, sold by the foot for the kids, frozen french fries, hot pockets, chips and dip...you get the picture.  I made a decision at check out, to butt out, and go with it, and let him do it his way.  If he wanted to do it, I wanted the full experience, for him and me.

I was worried I wouldn't be able to stand back and just let him do everything.  At home, I am up and running constantly.  Every moment occupied with completing some detail of the to-do list. I seldom sit still. It took a day or two, but I was surprised how easily I slipped into this new role.  I have spent a significant amount of time lounging on the couch.  I briefly tried to tuck my hand in my pants whilst sipping beer and watching football, but that was pushing the limits of this experiment.  I settled for plowing through the Twilight vampire series, reading one 600 page book a day.   I slept in.  I didn't wash one dish!! 

He made meals that were surprisingly, okay.  We had fish several nights, with some form of rice or veggie.  A couple of times I had to intervene for small things like, undercooked sausages or near raw baked potatoes.  For the most part though, he did a great job.  I began to realize how much I probably inhibit his participation in these day to day tasks by my constant interference and personal expectations.  It is like I had subconsciously set a standard that he couldn't possibly hope to achieve. When I stepped back, and wasn't critical, or comparing what he did to what I did, it was pretty much fine!

I found my mind unfettered by frustrations about the state of the house cleanliness, or whether or not everything we ate was organic.  I cringed when he served the hot pockets, and didn't partake of them myself, but of course, the kids loved them.  I realized that often, issues are only issues when I decide to make them issues.  Stepping back like that, I could more clearly see how unimportant some of these things were.  I have never let him take over this area because I never really trusted that he could do it.

It reminds me of our honey moon in Mexico, when he excitedly took me sailing on a small catamaran.  I had no idea he possessed these skills from his life prior to me and so didn't trust the experience.  I was in panic mode the whole time, certain the boat would flip, or we would end up helplessly drifting out into the open ocean.  He laughed at my nervousness and confidently handled the boat.  I realized that he had a set of experiences and skills that were in place long before I came along, but for some reason, I only trusted the ones that I had witnessed during our time together.  I think this applies to my feelings about his household skills as well.

When we first started dating, his condo was a mess...clean, but not really clean.  I spent a day scrubbing it down and furnishing it with essential items, like dish towels, that he was missing.  Somehow this imprinted on me that he lacked the capacity to do these things, and I stepped in and assumed the role.  I realize now, that he can do these things, but I have just assumed that because he doesn't do them like me, he can't.  I told him on our final day of vacation, that I was impressed, and that I was going to start delegating more.  Now that I had seen him in action, I was expecting him to keep it up.  For my part, I have to butt out and accept he'll do it differently, but he will do it.

I learned alot these last two weeks.  One reason I have failed to motivate him in the past to help out more, is that there were always unspoken conditions.  Another thing I learned is that some of my frustration is self inflicted...I make issues where there aren't any.  Should I lose sleep over counter top clutter or untidy shoes in the mud room?  I am not taking all the blame here.  Somehow he never communicated that to me or stepped up to do his fair share.  The rules are reset now.  I have new expectations.  Now that I know he can do it I will be more resentful if he doesn't, and you can only imagine what that blog will be like!