Married Sex

Photo by gogoloopie.

Talk about a rut!  After 10 plus years boffing the same man, things can get a little stale, if you catch my drift.  I remember the early courtship days fondly, when we were both on our best sexual behaviour, dabbling in all sorts of sexual delights, multiple times per day, without fear of the daylight hours!  Life came at us fast and before we knew it, days stretched into weeks and  deciding whether we'd rather go to sleep or not was the extent of foreplay.

I have read a number of magazines that percisely predict the amount of times that a married couple should be making whoopie, to insure the survival of their relationship.  The numbers vary but average around 3 times per week.  I fear my marriage may be doomed, as we are certainly not keeping up with the Joneses on that front.  Don't get me wrong, I like sex, I just like sleeping more.

 In a recent Sex Panel, with my esteemed women's group, we discussed this very topic.  Frequency was wide ranging, but few in the group came even close to this normalcy expectation.  Most of their lives and relationships were dictated by kids and work and exhaustion.  The thought of meeting the weekly quota, to most of the panel, was not very appealing.  During our discussion, horror stories were shared of women who do it every single day, as for these women's husbands, sex was a key part of the bed time routine.  Some of these women were willing participants while some often reported sucking it up and performing their wifely duty.

 (I should note that none of the women in the panel were characters in the horror stories, for those husbands who freak out a little after their wives have been to panel, afraid of what dark and embarassing secrets she has shared about you! Panel is not about belittling our husbands, it is about sharing and reaffirming our feelings and experiences related to our sexuality. FYI.)

 As we delved into the topic of sex we began to discuss our attitudes and expectations for marital sex.  Some continue to have creative and mutually giving sex, while others "assume the position" without much in the way of foreplay or attention to detail.  Few married partners "make out" any more.  If there is any intimate touching there is often an expectation that sex is forthcoming, and so many women withdraw  small displays of affection if they are not in the mood for the whole enchilada.  Foreplay is sorely lacking in most relationships, and at it's worst consisting of the presentation of a raging boner and a pat on the arm.  Men, FYI, your hard-on isn't as exciting for us as you think it is!

In a previous panel, I talked about foreplay beginning way before a couple hits the sack.  One panel member quoted "Men have sex to relax, while women need to relax to have sex".  This statement rings amazingly true in the bizarre "thou-shalt-not-dominate-me" realm of the married couple.  If my husband gets frisky and starts patting my arm, I cannot even fathom getting it on if he has pissed me off recently.  If my mind is cluttered with a mounting to-do list, sex is the furthest thing from my mind.  Recall one member said her biggest turn on was when her husband did the dishes!

Things sure have changed in the rack!  But lately, I have noticed our lives are slowing down a little bit, and as the kids get older, long stagnant urges are bubbling back up to the surface.  The problem is, our sexual stylings have not pepped up at the same rate as interest has, and gosh darn it, I am sick of married sex!  I am ready for a little pizazz and a few bells and whistles!  I often ask my husband to pretend we are on our first date, because I can assure you, if he performed his regular act with a new partner, she would surely lose interest and dump his ass!  Every now and then he will rise to the occasion and show a little of his former tantric self, but most often, we are half asleep before it is finished, counting the hours left before the kids wake up and the whole daily cluster fuck begins again.

On a recent girls' trip, my friend and I stumbled upon a sex shop.  I will be understating the experience when I say it was amusing!  This is not the first sex shop I have visited, but the first since realizing I was after a little more excitement between the sheets.  As we began to browse the extensive inventory of lubricants and rubbery dildos, a most helpful, gay, saleslady appeared, quite naturally and easily sharing with us the perks of a particular vibrator.  "I have a lot of sex toys," she boasted, in a cool, professional manner.  The girl could have been selling girl scout cookies, as expertly and unabashedly as she shared the superior qualities of "Pink", a water based lubricant.  She didn't bat an eye when an older gentleman came in and pointed out the exact cock-ring he was looking for in the brightly lit, contemporay sex toy display.  His chosen toy cost $110.00 bucks.  As he paid, she sent him out the door with a spritely, "Come again!"

I don't think introducing a bevy of sexual toys is necessary to rev up sex, but I did buy a couple of accessories, as part of my contribution to the "work" required to keeping my relationship lively and healthy.  I hope that when I bring out my new double strap-on, my husband won't be too surprised....kidding, kidding.  The truth is, we have both gotten a little lazy in the rack.  It is time to press the reset button and reconnect with each other's needs. I am hoping with a little communication, and Pink lubricant, we can fight our way back to the good-old-days.