Mammogram: The Sequel



photo by thephotographymuse



I'm scared.  Today is the day I go for additional testing on my left breast.  It has been less than a week since my screening mammogram. The radiologist noticed a density in the breast and per her report, stated that they couldn’t determine conclusively if it has increased in size from last year’s test. Additional mammogram views are needed with the possibility of an ultrasound.

Since I was informed of this it has been a strange week. My first thoughts were “What would I do if I have breast cancer?” I felt the area of my left breast where the density was found and couldn’t feel anything. That doesn’t mean much however…growths the size of quarters can be missed by self examination. “I don’t have any of the traditional risk factors!” I thought. I have no family history, low density breast tissue, I had kids and breast fed…I can’t possibly have cancer! According to the brochure I read at my last appointment though, the only guaranteed risk factors are being a woman and getting older. 

I imagined radiation, chemotherapy and breast removal. I really like my boobs, and the thought of having them lopped off, saddens me. Odd how superficial my thinking became. It led to me to thinking of cosmetic breast surgery and tattooed nipples, a procedure done to help preserve as much normalcy in the appearance of the breasts as possible. The only positive with this scenario is I could upsize my chest. How could that change me as a woman? I convinced myself that if it were necessary I would opt for mastectomy without hesitation.

I imagined telling my family, my kids. I wondered what it would be like to know there was cancer in my body, the awareness that my body could hide such deadly secrets from me. My life would continue in the same routine as always and I could be slowly dying without even knowing it. I called a friend. She told me she had had to have the same second screening done, and it turned out to be nothing. I sort of believe that is what will happen with me.

But what if I do have cancer? How will my life change once I know? I started to look at the possibility of that, of a battle for my life, one that I could lose. If I only had a limited amount of time left, was I living my life the way I wanted to? That really set my mind in motion looking at my work, my family, my lifestyle, my goals. If everything is okay, can I hang on to this new insight and apply it to living more in line with what I truly want and need in life?

My husband is coming with me…just in case the news isn’t great, and for moral support. Whether it ends up normal or not, I will be thankful that I gave breast screening the chance to figure this out, and lead me in the right direction, giving me a better chance. There are two ways this could go, and there is the possibility of dramatic life changes today. I am praying for it to be nothing. I am hoping for more time living healthy and without fear. I am trying not to sweat too much (I couldn’t wear deodorant again today). I am keeping my fingers crossed.