Cellulite!

Photo by EDgAr H. creative commons.

I found myself staring at a young group of high school girls today. They were huddled around their coach during a team timeout at their high school regional championships. I played high school volleyball once…ah, glory days! I admit I didn’t remember our shorts being quite that tight or short or my buttock being quite so perky and bulbous. I was sure the majority of them must be wearing thongs as there were no panty lines evident. Thongs still aren’t on my radar, my ass is too sensitive for foreign invaders.

I noticed surprisingly, that these young girls have evidence of cellulite at the back of their thighs, which led me in a new direction of thinking. I recall a friend who is Seinfeld like in his pickiness about the women he dates. No prize himself, he has rigid standards for the women he has on his arm, including a no cellulite rule. As I watch these young athletic girls with their traces of cellulite I start to wonder how many such women exist and why the hell he would judge the entirety of a woman based on the back of her thighs? Hot young women have cellulite! Eva Longoria has it (I saw it in one of those bad celebrity bathing suit pictures in a tabloid once). What about cellulite does he find so offensive?

Victoria secret models don’t have cellulite, but I think that has something to do with their bodies strange habit of distributing all 1 ½ percent of their body fat to their boobs, leaving none for their behind. That and air brushing. (God, if I only had my own airbrush!!) There are only about 12 Victoria Secret models, so their body type can’t be the norm. The normal woman has some body fat and it distributes itself differently in everyone. Cellulite occurs around the hips, butt and thighs, and often the heavier we are, relative to our own body types, the more prominent it seems. It isn’t a disease or disfigurement, although societally we see it as one.

According to a Mayo Clinic Article, it occurs when fat that lies between your skin and underlying muscle is pressured unevenly by taught fibrous cords that connect the skin to the muscle. Depending on the network of fibers and the amount and distribution of your body fat, cellulite will vary in appearance and severity. The only surefire way to reduce it is to lose weight. Creams and massagers don’t work because they can’t redistribute these fat cells or break the fibers linking the skin and muscle.

I have cellulite, and notice that the heavier I get the further down the back of my thigh it moves. The skinnier I get the less I have. Once during a post first-love break up, I became so depressed and anorexic I lost a huge amount of weight. This was the only time in my life I had no cellulite, including my buttock. At an average healthy weight, I have a modest amount of it. Most women I see do (seem to notice it pool side in the summer). Who will be left for my poor friend to date? Victoria secret models are few and far between, not to mention out of his league!

I have a theory about my friend that applies to all other middle aged single, never married men I know. Tragically, these men as mere teenagers were unfortunate enough to date a fledgling underwear model. Each of them became ruined for anyone less than perfection and any subsequent woman could never possibly measure up. They had their hottest women first. I see these young teenage boys today, all gungy and pimply, walking arm and arm with the most beautiful nubile girl, and know instantly that he will be ruined forever, burdened with unrealistic expectations.

I only feel bad about my cellulite because society tells me I should. I am unwilling to starve myself so as to protect others from the offense of my cottage cheese thighs at the pool. When wearing swimwear, I ought to put a sign back there for anyone who is looking, blaming those nasty connective fibers, and explaining there is very little I can do about it. I could also just continue to wear progressively longer and longer bathing suit bottoms as I get older and fatter and my dimples sweep down my legs. Those tankini-maxi dresses aren’t so bad!

On this day of exciting volleyball, I am warmed by the notion that even these sweet young things are haunted by cellulite. I feel comforted that this just isn’t something middle aged women get…it is normal. I expect my friend will one day have to turn a blind eye to all of the little faults in women he finds unacceptable, lest he remain alone forever.