You're Such a Bitch!!

Photo by Juliana Coutinho

I am perplexed by the extremes of experiences I have had with women. On the one hand, I have been the benefactor of such deep and meaningful friendships, studies show my life expectancy has increased. The foundation of these relationships is trust. In these women I open my soul to the best and worst of me, and they in turn share their deepest and darkest. We hold these secrets as a bond without judgment…unless of course we have a better friend with a stronger bond, then we are beholden to dish-up this juicy information, trusting them to hold their tongues…unless of course they have a better BFF. And so on. Usually though, even if they blab our soul-secrets, our friendship is true enough that they don’t do it maliciously, and they are so good at it, I never actually know they spilled their guts. What a lucky gal am I to have such friends!

On the other hand, I have had relationships with women who were much more devious and their intentions seldom honest. These women I refer to as “psycho-bitches-from-hell” (PBFH). Some are so conniving and skilled, they can fool you into thinking they are the good kind of friend. You might even trust them enough to bring them into your inner circle. These women are looking for connections that offer two benefits. The first is status building. The second is safety from competition. As they scope you and your inner circle out, they will target the women whom they believe can enhance their coolness by association and at the same time, won’t steal their husbands. They are wary hunters, focused and discerning about who is good enough to be associated with.

Friendships with these women seldom have an up-side. If they pick you as a cool-enhancing accessory, your friendship lasts only as long as the moment they find someone with greater coolness increasing potential. You can be replaced and they will, dropping you like a fat ass on the biggest loser! They leave behind a trail of wounded women, who’ve lost what they believed was a lifespan-increasing-sister friend. It’s just as well…although now the evil PBFH knows all your shit, and will use it like stepping-stones to reach the highest echelons of social networking. Our dirtiest laundry is catalogued and repackaged into self-serving versions, used to undermine us and reduce our ability to form friendships with her cooler crowd, lest they like us better or believe our warning tales about her devious intentions. She will ruin your reputation so fast, your head will spin!

If they don’t pick you and don’t feel you are a threat, they will simply ignore you. This is probably the best of all possible options, although incredibly confusing. I am not very threatening or socially elevating, and so, am often ignored by bitchy or competitive women. When we cross paths, I like to jump in front of them, like the village idiot, and say an eager and toothy “Hello!” You know these broads! They’re the ones you’ve been introduced to a zillion times and each time they act like they’ve never laid eyes upon you before. At your next meeting with these memory-challenged ho-bags, you should devise a story that falsely elevates your cool status. (eg. I am so excited! My first novel is going to be made into a movie starring Brad Pitt! You should come to the cast party at my house next week!) This is the surest way to fuck with their heads and the storyline possibilities are endless! Better yet, start flirting outrageously with their husband or boyfriend, and at least they will perceive you as a threat and turn their bitch-faces on.

Woe unto you if they believe you are a threat! Maybe you are skinnier, better dressed, prettier, funnier, sexier, whatever, they will work their nut-job asses off to bring you down a notch. A mad kind of social war-fare will begin. Anyone whose attention they are trying to divert away from you and back to them, will be told all manner of un-truths about you. I have a friend who has been the victim of the musings of two different PBFH. She is beautiful and kind, and most men are envious of her husband. She unfortunately is pegged as a significant threat by these women. She could elevate their status, but lacks the desire or mean-spirit for the all-important bitchy-gossip collaboration necessary to cement these cool-girl bonds. Thus she can only be shunned. Called a prom girl by one, and told her husband was a misogynistic bastard by another, and lovingly warned not to marry him, she moved away from these false friends. I on the other hand threaten neither of these mutual former friends. One thinks I am white trash, although recently discovered I’m a little cooler than she thought, and the other is so unthreatened by me, she treats me like the village idiot (even when I haven’t jumped in front of her!) and could only look down her nose more at me if she stood upon Mount Everest.

These types of women deserve a certain amount of our pity. They will likely never experience the deep, real, unconditional friendships we on the outside fill our lives with. Many will have no long term friendships but flit through brief loyalties until something better comes along. Studies show this kind of bitchy competitiveness is linked to mating competition. It peaks in high school and college aged girls (surprise, surprise!). Apparently, around the age of 50, competitiveness for mates fades away and women become warmer and more welcoming friends. I am looking forward to that time as bitchy women freak me out!

Maybe this will also mark a time in my life where bygones will be bygones and I can more easily forgive the transgressions of these PBFH. They should mellow out more, and be able to assess the value of a friend more by who she is than what she can do for them. I have a few more bitchy years ahead of me but feel better armed to deal with it. I am now able to recognize the role a women has sorted me into: friend, stepping stone, invisible loser or husband-stealing slut. I will embrace the friends and continue to work on my mind fucking bullshit for the others!