Crush



Photo by kroszk@.



When I was in high school I had the biggest crush on this guy in my class. Lee. The Lee-Crush lasted  5  painful  years. The amount of time I spent trying to be near him, by today’s standards, would have been enough to get me arrested as a stalker. In class, I stared at him so relentlessly, it truly is a wonder I ever graduated! To be fair, he led me on with cryptic love messages in my annual year book. Once off to college we finally got together and immediately, for me, the crush ended. Poor sod could never match up to the fellow I had been fantasizing about for so long.

After a decade of marriage, my role as a woman is changing. My days are filled with work, raising kids and intermittent connection with my husband. It seems that each decade of a woman’s life is occupied with a different focus, and I feel I am always a few years behind in changing mine. For example, in my 20’s it was party, party! Try and be cute and date a bunch of guys and just have fun. Sure there was college mixed in, but it was a side note to the explosion of self awareness and relationship experimentation.

As the 20’s progressed, relationships became more serious and I pickier about who I would make out with on the dance floor. In hind sight and in a strictly biological sense, it was during this time that I began actively searching for a mate. This was a period of vibrant and exciting activity. Drama and emotional roller coasters of failed relationships were staples of this time. Once I found “The One”, I settled into my 30’s, to the experience of marriage and the trial by fire of having kids. My identity slowly melted away as I got absorbed in helping them establish theirs. My husband and I grew into our routine and now in the 40’s (good lord!) I am settled into this matriarchal role. As the momentum of this period slows, and I resume possession of my identity, I start to miss what has been left behind.

Gone are the days of making myself up and the anticipation of who I would meet or what adventures lay ahead. If I go to a dance bar now, I will be called a “Cougar”. I used to love dancing…I could do it all night. It just isn’t in my repertoire anymore. Some would say that is appropriate and moving on from that stage in natural. Is it wrong then, that I miss it? There was a period in my married life that I didn’t notice other men any longer. I used to tell girlfriends that I never “crushed” on anyone anymore and couldn’t think of any particular man outside my husband who I thought was attractive. I was crush-less.

According to Robi Ludwig, psychotherapist, the “mom crush” may actually be a positive and healthy thing. She writes, “Secret crushes can make a woman feel like a woman again. It’s hard to feel like your sexy self when you’re constantly cleaning up dirty laundry, dirty diapers, helping the kids with homework or cooking all the time. Sometimes being a mom and wife, although terrific in countless ways, can get a woman feeling more like a servant than a supermodel.” She states that when a woman crushes on someone it has less to do with the man than the feeling it gives her to fantasize about the days left behind and what it felt like to be attractive.

I was happy to read this, as I have found myself crushing again! I am noticing other men and taking a second look. It is like I am waking up again to this aspect of my life that for the last ten years has been buried under obligation. I have several friends who openly talk about their crushes. Their awareness of the frivolous role they play is admirable, and they accept them with delight, appreciating the little spark of life they add to their everyday routines. We giggle like school girls when we talk about them and find them occupying a small space in our minds, reminiscent of the drama we lived in decades past. There is a little thrill when we see them and our imaginations might wander. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about them, but according to Ludwig, “having a secret mommy crush doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, about to have an affair, in a bad marriage and/or that you married the wrong guy.” Whew! As with my Lee-crush, crushing seldom has anything to do with the object of the fantasy but rather the feelings associated with it.

In truth, my imaginary comparisons allow me to appreciate aspects of my relationship with my husband and remind me of the qualities he possesses that set him apart from the rest so long ago. Of the crushes I have had, most just wear out and fail to arouse interest any longer, but more often, I learn things about the crush object that are major turn offs, and I again realize most of who I thought this person was, existed solely in my head. The benefit of an active crush is the rekindled motivation to keep my edge, meaning staying in shape or dress up and make time to blow dry my hair now and then. Maybe waking back up to this lost self has been the motivation for this whole girly-girl exploration. Regardless of what it is, I have to admit, it feels good to think about these things again. I don’t have to leave those parts of my life behind me just because I am 40 and married…day dreams are innocent enough.

The next couple of decades will mark the end of my role as an attention attracting female. As one client commiserated years ago, she used to be the cute one, the head turner. Now when she enters a room, her daughter turns heads and she feels invisible. She has lost a huge part of her identity. I have always resented the double standard that older men are attractive, while older women are not. My hope is that it will sit okay with me…wrinkles and the whole invisibility thing. In the meantime, I am going to keep on crushing, and enjoy at least the thrill of possibilities and some fantasy fodder before my role as a woman changes again for good.