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I have had a lot of guy friends throughout my life. There is something enjoyable about their Mars-thinking mentality. Most of these friendships occured before I was married. When I was younger I truly believed that these "friendships" were strictly platonic. I truly did! I was often surprised when my BFF guy friend suddenly tried to kiss me or asked, "Whatever happened to you and I?" This kind of friendship confusion is common. According to Psychologytoday.com, "... men often misread women's friendly signals as invitations for sex". Inherent in their biology, men know within moments of meeting a woman whether or not he would have sex with her. The male "sex filter" is on almost constantly. Woman, according to Dr. Clifford Lazarus, may also make this initial assessment, but are able to mute it, and focus more on the non-sexual qualities of their male friends.
Sadly, once the line of these friendships was crossed, the majority of them ended. As one man once told me when I said we should just be friends, "I have enough friends. I don't need one I want to fuck.' I guess I appreciated his honesty. I do have one friend that I have slept with in the past, and who remains a close friend (albeit we live hundreds of miles away from each other, and I haven't physically seen him in almost 6 years). He came to my wedding, and I to his. What was great with this friendship, is that we got the "elephant" out of the room early, and were able to see clearly, how incompatible we were romantically. We were then able to pursue a friendship, unfettered by sexual tension, and enjoy all of the qualities about the other that had attracted us to each other in the first place. Interestingly, since he got married, our contact with each other has diminished signficantly.
Since I have been married, I no longer foster male friendships, unless they occur along with some form of couple interaction. My husband is the same. I don't think this was a concious decision, it's just the way it has worked out. Now, having met some men I find interesting, without having any prior relationship to their spouses, I have started to consider whether these types of friendships are possible. If not, it would be sad to think that once a man and woman say "I Do", their pool of potential friendships is cut in half.
In an LA Times article, Susan Brink writes that it is possible to be married and foster friendships with the opposite sex, but one needs to "tread carefully". Statistically, half of all marriages end in divorce and in 15% of opposite-sex friendships, partners leave after an affair with their "friend". Twenty to fifty percent of all marriages are subjected to an extra-marital affair. "In part, friendship leading to romance happens because what people are looking for in a mate overlaps with what people look for in friendships" writes Ms. Brink. Qualities that attract us to our friends, are similar to those that attracted us to our mates or previous sexual partners.
An informal poll of my own revealed some interesting points to consider. One fellow suggested asking yourself this question before you seek out an opposite-sex friendship. "If you lived in an alternative universe, and were no longer in your current relationship, could you see yourself pursuing a relationship with this person?" If the answer is yes, than he suggested you need to think seriously about whether or not pursuing the friendship might be harmful to your relationship. Ulitmately, experts agree, that your committed relationship and its' health ought to be your first priority. Whether one or both parties entering into a friendship feels sexual attraction to the other, matters not. For someone, the friendship is not genuinely just a friendship, and could potentially harm the main relationship.
Further discussions about this topic led to a description of scenarios whereby an opposite-sex friendship might work, outside of a couples-based friendship. First, one's partner would have to be completely okay with it. If one partner became uncomfortable with the friendship, it would likely have to be ended, or modified to include the spouse in more couple minded activities. If one or both parties of the developing friendship were hideously disfigured, aka. unattractive, and there were no risks of attraction, the friendship would likely be okay. Acquaintances are much easier to police, as there is little opportunity for inappropriate feelings to develop.
As you begin to ponder this issue, it becomes clear how complicated the answer to this question actually is. Perhaps this is why women love having gay male friends. They get the benefit of mostly-male-ish company, without him wanting to jump their bones, and vice versa. All hope is not lost however. In Ms. Brink's article, the following tips are provided (and slightly paraphrased) to help minimize the risk of crossing the opposite-sex friendship line:
1. Have an easily accessible photo of your significant other on your person at all times. If temptation arises, pull it out, pin it to your shirt, and talk about him or her a lot.
2. Make a point to meet your friend's significant other, and fawn over them. In other words, pay equal attention to each of them, even if you are drunk and their spouse is boring.
3. Meet only in public places (between the hours of 8 am and 1 pm), and sit at different tables. Don't stand next to each other and avoid eye contact.
4. Don't talk about anything personal.
5. If people start to question your friendship, deny everything.
6. Keep your spouse informed about every aspect of your friendship.
7. Be clear with your new buddy, that your relationship is first, and you will drop them like a bad habit if they try to take over the lead.
Has your answer to my intial question changed at all?
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