Crush



Photo by kroszk@.



When I was in high school I had the biggest crush on this guy in my class. Lee. The Lee-Crush lasted  5  painful  years. The amount of time I spent trying to be near him, by today’s standards, would have been enough to get me arrested as a stalker. In class, I stared at him so relentlessly, it truly is a wonder I ever graduated! To be fair, he led me on with cryptic love messages in my annual year book. Once off to college we finally got together and immediately, for me, the crush ended. Poor sod could never match up to the fellow I had been fantasizing about for so long.

After a decade of marriage, my role as a woman is changing. My days are filled with work, raising kids and intermittent connection with my husband. It seems that each decade of a woman’s life is occupied with a different focus, and I feel I am always a few years behind in changing mine. For example, in my 20’s it was party, party! Try and be cute and date a bunch of guys and just have fun. Sure there was college mixed in, but it was a side note to the explosion of self awareness and relationship experimentation.

As the 20’s progressed, relationships became more serious and I pickier about who I would make out with on the dance floor. In hind sight and in a strictly biological sense, it was during this time that I began actively searching for a mate. This was a period of vibrant and exciting activity. Drama and emotional roller coasters of failed relationships were staples of this time. Once I found “The One”, I settled into my 30’s, to the experience of marriage and the trial by fire of having kids. My identity slowly melted away as I got absorbed in helping them establish theirs. My husband and I grew into our routine and now in the 40’s (good lord!) I am settled into this matriarchal role. As the momentum of this period slows, and I resume possession of my identity, I start to miss what has been left behind.

Gone are the days of making myself up and the anticipation of who I would meet or what adventures lay ahead. If I go to a dance bar now, I will be called a “Cougar”. I used to love dancing…I could do it all night. It just isn’t in my repertoire anymore. Some would say that is appropriate and moving on from that stage in natural. Is it wrong then, that I miss it? There was a period in my married life that I didn’t notice other men any longer. I used to tell girlfriends that I never “crushed” on anyone anymore and couldn’t think of any particular man outside my husband who I thought was attractive. I was crush-less.

According to Robi Ludwig, psychotherapist, the “mom crush” may actually be a positive and healthy thing. She writes, “Secret crushes can make a woman feel like a woman again. It’s hard to feel like your sexy self when you’re constantly cleaning up dirty laundry, dirty diapers, helping the kids with homework or cooking all the time. Sometimes being a mom and wife, although terrific in countless ways, can get a woman feeling more like a servant than a supermodel.” She states that when a woman crushes on someone it has less to do with the man than the feeling it gives her to fantasize about the days left behind and what it felt like to be attractive.

I was happy to read this, as I have found myself crushing again! I am noticing other men and taking a second look. It is like I am waking up again to this aspect of my life that for the last ten years has been buried under obligation. I have several friends who openly talk about their crushes. Their awareness of the frivolous role they play is admirable, and they accept them with delight, appreciating the little spark of life they add to their everyday routines. We giggle like school girls when we talk about them and find them occupying a small space in our minds, reminiscent of the drama we lived in decades past. There is a little thrill when we see them and our imaginations might wander. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about them, but according to Ludwig, “having a secret mommy crush doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, about to have an affair, in a bad marriage and/or that you married the wrong guy.” Whew! As with my Lee-crush, crushing seldom has anything to do with the object of the fantasy but rather the feelings associated with it.

In truth, my imaginary comparisons allow me to appreciate aspects of my relationship with my husband and remind me of the qualities he possesses that set him apart from the rest so long ago. Of the crushes I have had, most just wear out and fail to arouse interest any longer, but more often, I learn things about the crush object that are major turn offs, and I again realize most of who I thought this person was, existed solely in my head. The benefit of an active crush is the rekindled motivation to keep my edge, meaning staying in shape or dress up and make time to blow dry my hair now and then. Maybe waking back up to this lost self has been the motivation for this whole girly-girl exploration. Regardless of what it is, I have to admit, it feels good to think about these things again. I don’t have to leave those parts of my life behind me just because I am 40 and married…day dreams are innocent enough.

The next couple of decades will mark the end of my role as an attention attracting female. As one client commiserated years ago, she used to be the cute one, the head turner. Now when she enters a room, her daughter turns heads and she feels invisible. She has lost a huge part of her identity. I have always resented the double standard that older men are attractive, while older women are not. My hope is that it will sit okay with me…wrinkles and the whole invisibility thing. In the meantime, I am going to keep on crushing, and enjoy at least the thrill of possibilities and some fantasy fodder before my role as a woman changes again for good.

Five Ways to Get More Head: From the Mouths of Women

Photo by Josh Semans (really!)

Married men everywhere wonder what happened to the sexual goddess they remember from their courting days. She who would dazzle with all of the Kama Sutra positions in a single marathon session or blow their brains out on a regular basis, is mysteriously absent from the bedroom. There are jokes aplenty about the appalling lack of sex once marriage vows are exchanged. (The joyous look on a bride’s face is actually the moment she realizes never has to give another blow job!) Buddies are bewildered when their friends announce their impending marriage, They ask, “Don’t you like sex?”

During the early courtship phase our bodies are inundated with a potent cocktail of hormones that creates the addictive rush of early passion. Empowered by this intoxicating blend, each partner becomes “their most expansive selves”, according to psychotherapist, Maria Tafuri. “Couples are on their best behavior, including their best sexual behavior”. A man is more apt to be romantic and talk about his feelings whereas a woman will put forth her best sexual effort in hopes of securing her mate. It becomes a bedroom talent contest with each partner open to trying anything and everything as long as it will advance them towards their goal of being the chosen one.

As the relationship matures, this love cocktail begins to fade, lasting on average only 18 months. After this period of time both partners return to their true selves often an unrecognizable version of the early couple. Reality seeps into the relationship. The turbo boost of lustful chemicals may be gone forever but it doesn’t mean that couples can’t enjoy passionate, adventurous sex or that a man will never get another blow job. There are ways for couples to stay sexually connected and ways for men to roll out the welcome mat for more sex, specifically, oral sex. It should be noted that not every woman is interested in providing fellatio and that position should be respected.

A willing group of women were invited to the BJ Panel, the purpose of which was to explore reasons why women avoid giving head. From all walks of life, sexual orientation and professional background, these women (with a few bottles of wine, aptly named “Swallow” and “Purple Cowboy”) giddily discussed the issue of blow jobs. As much as men like getting blow jobs, women like talking about them! Husbands, learning what their wives were up to, eagerly volunteered to watch the kids and encouraged their participation, in hopes that their wives’ desire to spend more time below the belt, would be reawakened. From this evening of wine and dirty talk a list of the top 5 things a man can do to entice his partner to head south was created.


1. Hot For Teacher!

Unless your wife is a paid professional, she comes to the proverbial “blow job table” with very little experience or skill. The BJ Panel agreed that porn was an inadequate and unreal teaching medium (that applies to learning what women like too). Most women had rarely talked about felating skills with anyone before, including their sexual partners. “When I first heard the term, I thought it literally meant to blow on the penis,” one member stated. Most women in the panel report learning their skills on the fly (no pun intended) and hoping for some reaction from their partners to guide them. Teaching her what does or does not feel good is the surest way to get what you want. Otherwise your partners are guessing and feeling insecure about their performance.

Many women will gain a sense of power by being able to drive their men wild. One panel member used to love giving her partner blow jobs because she was told she was amazing at it. Her husband began to critique her which destroyed her confidence. Once this happened she lost her mojo and he stopped getting blow jobs. When you offer feedback, deliver it carefully and with consideration of the incredible sexual gift she is giving you!

Most men like their happy endings to include the full swallow. Women of the panel were mixed on this topic. This is a very personal preference for most women and likely one that cannot be changed. Forcing, coercing or tricking her into swallowing will not be well received and likely break trust.

2. Clean! Baby! Clean!

Some in the BJ Panel thought this helpful hint could have taken up all 5 spots. Mamma always told us “Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been!” Most women felt they would be more likely to give a blow job right after a thorough shower (front door and back door please!), while others felt doing it in the shower more appealing. Manscaping or pubic hair management was not something necessary for the panel unless there was a preference for ball action.


3. Wash the Dishes

“Men have sex to relax, while women need to relax to have sex”, one member of the group shared from a professional presentation she had given. Something as simple as doing the dishes now and then would make several women on the panel more inclined to proffer head. 

“When a women’s mind is fettered with a list of things she has to do and when she feels unsupported in those things, her mind cannot relax enough to get into the mood”, the panelists shared. One woman told the story of a friend whose husband had done a very simple but
incredibly thoughtful thing for her. Her friend’s reaction was that her husband was “…definitely getting a blow job tonight!” 

Men need to realize that creating the mood is more than shoving their penises in their partner’s faces or tapping her on the shoulder. Begin way before the act. If she gets the suspicion that actions are done solely because a blow job is desired, it won’t work. It has to be sincere. Talking, touching, and connecting with her emotionally, will score huge “deserves a blow job” points.

4. Keep Your Hands Off My Head!

The “Head Tug-O-War” became a comical episode on the hit series Sex in the City. Every woman in the panel had had one or more experiences with her partner grabbing her head and directing her towards his nether region. This often resulted in a power struggle with her pushing back!

Pushing your lovers head towards your groin or pulling her head towards you for deeper oral penetration are moves that will often guarantee that this will be your last blow job. Most women report this is a huge turn off. There is a balance of control in relationships and these maneuvers can make a woman feel that they are being used. Each partner
needs to determine when they are ready to head downtown or how deeply they can comfortably take it into their mouths without gagging. Letting the “blower” direct the show is the best call in this situation.

5. Give and Ye Shall Receive

Like Charlotte in Sex in the City, many women will give head because they know it will entice their partners to reciprocate. Men who ask for this service but are unwilling to perform it on their partners are sending a message that something about their partner’s body is unattractive. If a woman is insecure about her body, she will feel less sexy and be less apt to be adventurous in the sack. When a man shows a woman he loves going down on her, you can bet she will start to love going down on him.

It's Not You, It's Me!



Photo by russelljsmith.

Yikes! I ran into my regular hairdresser today! Of all places, I was in the waiting room of my doctor’s office, when she walked in. I was reading the newspaper at the time and casually raised it high enough to obscure my face. It was reminiscent of running into an ex or a one night stand you never wanted to see again. I felt like I had betrayed her and if she were to see me with my new hair cut and color, she would know instantly I was seeing someone else!

She walked into the clinic for her appointment, and I was left sitting there, with my newspaper heft unusually high in front of me! I sat bemused and stymied by the situation. Should I say hi? How would I cover up my hair betrayal? Several ideas ran through my mind. “Oh, a friend gave me a gift certificate!” or “I did it myself, it’s awful I know!” I had never been in this situation before. Our town is small and I was certain I would have to confront her sometime. What would she do? Would she be devastated and run willy-nilly out of the office or would she slam the other hairstylist’s work asking bitterly, “Who cut your hair???”

As I thought about it, nothing I could say seemed appropriate. “I grew tired of you and wanted to try someone new.” “My hair and you needed a break.” “I have feelings for my new hairdresser, I think we should see other people”. How do you handle the hairdresser break up? Do I just let myself drop off her schedule or do I call her and tell her I’m leaving her for another woman?

Hairdresser/client relationships can be very strong for women, as they involve all the elements of a great friendship. You share stories of your life, you have placed trust in her and there is intimacy connected to the touch exchanged during your appointments. How does she feel knowing you have abandoned this relationship? Ultimately you have a business relationship with your stylist. As etiquette coach Jodi R.R Smith stated in an article titled “Breaking Up with Your Hairdresser”, “She is in it for the money, not for stories about your dog!” It is not like we hung out or anything. I don’t even know where she lives!

Do I owe her a face to face break up speech or do I do it the old fashioned way and ignore her? This opportunity passed me by, as she exited the office before I could emerge from behind my newspaper. Of course she saw me! She has probably been here before…seen the same attempts to avoid her. She should have known it would happen sooner or later, as I had after all, left someone else for her! Obviously I had to have a hairdresser in my life at all times, I couldn’t do it on my own…and I just seemed to jump from one to the other, unable to make a long term commitment.

It seems hard to demean our past by saying it was just a “business relationship” but somehow leaving seems easier if I do. I know she will be okay, she is a great lady, and other customers are going to love her. It’s not personal, I just know we will both be happier this way! My hair has outgrown her and it is time to move on. I’m in love with my new hairstyle and my new hairdresser! I can’t go back now, having tasted the forbidden fruit of great hair and tons of compliments! I just hope the next time I see her, I have a newspaper handy!

How Much is Your Hair Worth?



Photo by Sarah G





My hair hasn’t been looking so hot lately.  A key warning sign that something needs to be done about my hair is when the majority of time it is relegated to a pony tail.  I admit that I am not the greatest at regular hair maintenance but have been making more of a concerted effort to keep my hair conditioned and healthy. I use a spray in conditioner and only use a comb when it is wet.

My hair is really dry and washed out. I have a lot of grey in my hair that I have been trying hard to disguise that fact with regular highlighting for the last decade. I have used two different stylists during that time, both of whom used similar procedures to create the look. Part of me wondered if the condition of my hair may have more to do with what was being done to it and how, rather than the fact that I am getting older.

I used to have soft, straight hair. My current hair is rough and frizzy. Was I destined to have old lady hair from now on? The only way I could ever make my hair look even remotely shiny was to straighten it or blow dry it with great care. I even desperately purchased some spray-in-shine, hair varnish if you will, to see if that might bring it back to life. Even then it looked like hair that had been overworked, and I think you could guess my age from behind simply by the condition of my hair. If I were to describe my hair color it would be beige…not quite blond and not quite brunette.

Women develop strong loyalties to their hair care providers and are reluctant to change for fear of offending them. They may have tried a different stylist now and then who butchered their hair causing them to run back to their original hair stylists, their proverbial pony tails between their legs. I am kind of the same way. But lately when I leave the usual salon and drop my $145.00 (including tip), I feel as if my stylist is just repeating the same thing over and over and my hair feels fried and she never offers new ideas or solutions to remedy the deteriorating condition of my hair. As an expert in her field, she should know the latest and greatest techniques. She spends a lot of time on her cell phone, answering calls during the appointment, or chatting about life with the other stylists in the salon. That camaraderie is great, but I felt at times it came at the expense of making the client feel as if she were fully paying attention. It also left very little time for offering her professional advice or coming up with new ideas or techniques.

One hair salon patron shared a story of a hairstylist actually skyping with her son while she cut hair. Her clients were very uncomfortable with this as her subject matter was quite personal and not something appropriate to be broadcasted in the busy shop. Another customer described her stylist chatting with the other stylists in the salon about their concerns their receptionist was skimming off the till. She said that the woman who was cutting her hair was so worked up about the issue, she ended up hacking her hair to pieces.

As I explore the world of the high maintenance girly girl, I began to wonder if it really matters where you get your hair done? Is there a big difference in the quality of hair styling services? To answer this question I experimented with a few options. Using my last 6 years with the mid range salon as a comparison, I had my haircut at a mall based chain and then went to the highest end salon I could think of in my area.

The mall based chain hair cut was pretty uneventful. I paid my $18.00 for a basic spray and cut. No hair wash or styling. When I left, I still had to put my hair in a pony tail because I couldn’t do anything with it. I had had a bad spiral perm experience in the mid 80’s at a cheap hair cutting establishment and was unwilling to let them dabble with color. I may be wrong, but I think this environment hires a lot of new graduates, and because there is not really any great mentoring, their skills don’t develop much. I think these places are great for kids, or guys who get their hair buzzed based upon a number. I don’t think these places are great for women who really want their hair to look great and can afford other options.

Yesterday I went to a higher end establishment. I was a little nervous as I really had no idea how much it was going to cost me and whether I was wasting my money. I have a couple of friends who get there hair done here who had recommended one particular stylist to me. I didn’t tell her the purpose of my visit, just to make sure I got the honest to goodness treatment.

The salon was small but clean and nicely decorated. That alone goes a long way into making you feel pampered and as if you are somewhere that is a good bet. I knew going in I wanted something different and tried to articulate this to her when we met. I told her my concerns over my dying hair and that I was hoping to return to my more natural darker color. I had decided to chose sides, blond or brunette, I couldn’t be both. She said, “You want something sexy!” I said that “Yes, sexy would be good, I’m not old enough to not be sexy anymore!” We talked for a while about my options and her opinions. She taught me about what was going wrong with my hair, and how we could go about resuscitating it. To double check her thoughts she consulted with another experienced stylist, perhaps the owner of the shop, before proceeding.

She dashed off to mix the color. What I noticed then and throughout the appointment was that no cell phones were going off, the stylists weren’t gossiping with each other, they were taking care of their clients…and that’s what she did with me, for the 2 hour appointment for the color and cut. After she confidently applied the color and put me under the dryer, she brought me a tea. As I sat there and cooked, she came back to check in on me a couple of times. I never saw her filing her nails or eating her lunch. Man, this place was professional!

When she revealed the color I was excited. It was a rich, vibrant chestnut brown! She expertly cut my hair, something we hadn’t even discussed, with scissors so sharp I couldn’t hear them! She proceeded to blow dry my hair with a really cool 5 brush technique. When she was done, I quite honestly was shocked, and I think she was too. I looked good! My hair looked great! It was shiny! It had depth, and the cut balanced the weight of my hair back towards the top of my head, undoing the bell shaped style I had been sporting. She tinted my eyebrows ever so slightly to make the look even more natural.

The moment of truth came at the cash register. How much coin was this going to set me back? The answer: $215.00. That is only moderately more than I pay at my usual salon.

Perhaps it is already evident by the tone in this post what my final verdict is. In my opinion, it does matter where you get your hair cut. My recommendation is for the higher end salons. It will cost me about $600.00 more per year to get my hair done at this salon, compared to the one I had been going to. For me, that is worth it. My hair has life again, and I can’t tell you how many compliments I have received in just two short days of this transformation! One friend even told me it makes my butt look smaller! As a side benefit, my husband has new fantasy fodder as he can pretend he is with another woman! If you want your hair to look great, you need someone great to cut it.

Am I Worth It?

Today I am participating in an experiment…research if you will. I have scheduled an appointment at a fancy hair salon for a cut and color! The experimental part of this is that I will try to determine if paying the extra money for these services is worth it. I generally get my hair cut at a mid priced salon with cut and color it comes to around $125.00. My last hair cut, as part of this research, was at a mall based, hair cutting chain. I got a hair cut but must admit, I wasn’t brave enough to get my color done. That hair cut was around $18.00.

At today’s appointment I am going to challenge the stylist a little bit with different color and a different cut. I am also not going to tell her I am writing about the experience. Check back for the verdict!

Girl Talk



Photo by Sarah G

I learned about sex in gym class. I had a very thorough and clinical gym teacher who taught me all the appropriate anatomy and terminology. She was highly motivated to scare us into abstinence and thus showed us several graphic child birth videos. There was very little in the lesson plan that involved relationships, love, self esteem or shame. Those lessons came later and were harder learned.

Talking about sex is somehow taboo. Over the years I have had different boyfriends or friends with varying degrees of sex talk tolerance. Some avoided the topic altogether, while others had a limit to the amount of detail or the subject matter that they were open to discussing. I have had very few free and uninhibited discussions about sex. At book club or girls nights out the natural evolution of our conversations would often migrate to sex, with the depth of subject matter directly correlated with the amount of wine we had imbibed.

Recently, as part of research for an article I am writing for a gentleman’s magazine (topic: what men can do to get more blow jobs), I invited a panel of interesting, smart and varied women, to a formal Blow Job Panel. Each woman was informed of the purpose of the meeting. The response was overwhelming. Perhaps it was just because I had invited the right group of gals, but they leaped at the opportunity! I later learned that when they shared with other female friends what they were up to that evening, their friends begged to attend as well. Husbands were psyched, as they hoped the meeting would cure their blow job droughts.

As I prepared for the evening, I had worked on a question list, based upon my five top ways a man can lay out the welcome mat for more felatio. I was curious how freely the topic would be discussed and to what degree attendees would share. To help create the mood I went to the wine store to stock up prior to the gathering. Noting that many of the wine names were apropos for the evening, I excitedly purchased wine with names like “Swallow”, “Gnarly Head” and “Purple Cowboy”. The wine vendor noting the trend asked me “Is this for a bachelor party?” “Something like that”, I told him. I even put together all of the ingredients for Blow Job shots!

There were six women in attendance with varying comfort and skill levels with blow jobs. As we dove into the subject material, I was amazed at the desire that they possessed to talk and talk and talk. The meeting lasted four and a half hours! As we moved from point to point, often with me, as moderator, sitting back and letting the conversation wander where it would, I realized that these women were loving the fact that they could talk freely and without shame about something that, universally they reported was something they had rarely if ever had the opportunity to discuss before.

We found connection in our common experiences. We were amazed at how similar our first experiences were and how despairing it was that most of us went forward into this aspect of our sexuality blindly, without any peer support or teaching. Where we were expected to learn these things? Was this something I should be teaching my daughter when she came of age? Or like me and the rest of the panel, just let her figure it out herself when the time came?

For most women, unless their husbands regale them with compliments, they will go through their sexual lives with nagging doubts about their ability or skill sexually. Not only are women self conscious about their bodies but about how well they perform. Many women never learn how to garner their own pleasure from sexual intimacy; instead, they play a role for the pleasure of their partner.

I am not sure anyone from the panel ran home to blow their husbands. That wasn’t the point of the evening. What we all came away with was a shared sadness over the lack of opportunities like this one, to share and commiserate, for the simple purpose of quelling our fears and doubts and boosting our sexual confidence. Keeping the doors closed on open sexual discussion keeps us in the age of women without sexual power. Removing the negative stigma of talking openly about sex can only empower women and prevent the inevitable shame and guilt and self-doubt so many women are plagued with throughout their sexual lives.

It is hard to accept that sexual lessons are ones we must learn by trial and error or pathetically by watching porn. We can be taught to understand the mechanics of the act- what parts go where, but we aren’t taught the emotional weight of the decisions made to participate in them. I hope to spare my daughter moments of shame, these I feel are the most damaging. How can she avoid them successfully unless I also teach her the skill of sex and how to take care of her heart and her own sexual fulfillment? I would love to scare her into abstinence, but the greater likelihood is that she will be entering this realm long before she or I are ready.

The blow job panel was a smashing success. There was hysterical laughter and uninhibited sharing. Empty bottles of sexually connotative wine littered the kitchen. We grew closer as a group, appreciating this gift we had given each other. We wrapped up the meeting reluctantly, each with many more long held questions we were eager to ask. The consensus was that we should do this again. Although we had all been indoctrinated with this new found sex talk freedom, the sad reality is that we will be hard pressed to find it anywhere else.