THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!

Photo by Jim Linwood.

Really.  There is nothing wrong with you, and thank God, with me either.  No, I haven't been on a self- help book reading frenzy.   I have recently begun a business leadership training program, motivated by a desire to improve the culture at my office.  Little did I know that this journey would be more about changing me and how I see myself and my future.

The latest seminar (we do one per month for nine months), "Mastering Performance", was put on by Jonathan Clark of Coriolis Consulting 
http://www.coriolisconsult.com/documents/who_we_are.php
I had heard of this class through alums of the program, and it piqued my curiosity.  I was most intrigued by their difficulty in describing what it was actually about.  They said things like, "He helps you figure out what "IT" is", (everyone has an "IT" they tried to explain), and he helps you find yours.  "Well, what is "IT"? I would ask.  "IT's different for everyone", they would say, wrapping up with, "It is an awesome class!!"

How awesome could a class be if nobody could tell me what is was about?  From his own summary of the intentions of the course, Mr. Clark, assures us that he is not there to teach us anything.  Rather, he is acting as a guide or facilitator to help us discover something for ourselves, about ourselves.  (Participants are also required to sign a confidentiality agreement, which might explain some of their vagaries).  The goal of the class is to free you from yourself so that you can live with intention and integrity.  And by golly!  That is exactly what it did!

In short, I have stopped listening to the self-bashing voice in my head, whose chickenshit intentions, keep me from living the life of my choosing.  I have been stuck (like most of us) with an inner dialogue about my reality that is based upon made up fears and perceptions that have trapped me with an assessment of myself that is narrow and confining.

From infinite potential as an infant, we slowly whittle down our options by creating barriers to things we "can't", "shouldn't" and "dare not" be or do.  (Most of which aren't necessary nor related to actual survival) We latch onto negative experiences and create a filter with which to judge and hold back all future experiences that might mildly resemble them.  This can be with situations in life and also with people we meet or interact with on a daily basis.  These filters are used to prevent us from repeating our perceived mistakes (shame filled moments, screw ups, times of hurt, etc), but the consequence of this narrative of self bias (and loathing for many of us) is far reaching, obstructionism in our lives.

Very early in our lives, we learn to cower in the corner, swatting irrationally at things that might (heaven help us!) make us feel the same way again.  As we age, we just hit the "refresh" button to keep these perceptions current. What is so surprising it how truly infantile and non-reality based these self imposed rules are.  We are literally letting a toddler run our lives!!  This toddler, lives in our amygdalas.  This is the primitive part of our brains, designed to be the "negative-nilly", "backseat driver" and "wet blanket" of our lives.

Long ago, in a much different and far away world, this part of our brain was really useful in keeping us out of the jaws of saber tooth tigers.  Unfortunately, it's power to suppress logical thought, did not go extinct alongside these ancient predators.  In our current world, free of many real life and death situations, our amygdalas are satisfied to make scary shit up for us. (Your brain apparently will do this for you, should you happen to be fresh out of fear.)

So, if once upon a time, someone made fun of our most favorite outfit (for me a crushed velvet dress and stiletto heels worn to 6th grade picture day (yes, an odd and overly mature choice, but it was a delightful hand-me-down outfit, that I thought reeked of fabulosity!!))  I realize now, that I decided then and there, under relentless teasing and embarrassment, to never "risk it" again. (Dressing up drew attention and it was much safer to pass under the radar, stay invisible, lest I be shamed again).  I learned that I had no fashion sense and thus framed all future primping from this context, and literally threw my potential as a well dressed and manicured diva out the window (along with the dress and the stilettos) from that one, horrible, ancient picture day moment.

How many irrelevant and stupid moments continue to hold me back from who I can and WANT to be?  Even now, I will find myself dressing up for an evening, eventually undoing  everything, as my inner voice warns me, "You don't know what you are doing!  People will think you look awful!  You will get attention!  You have shitty taste!"  This is a 31 year old amygdala moment continuing to influence my life!!

I remain a work in progress.  I have gained awareness of my inner "saber tooth tigers", and when they start growling at me, from deep within my brain, I am learning to shut them the f&%$# up!!  I am trying to see the world that actually lies in front of me, not the one I created to avoid foolish danger.

What are your vestigial fears?  What don't you do because you have an inner story about yourself that is outdated, wrong and holding you back?  If you are curious about how little of the world you can actually see when you choose to focus from a predetermined context, check out the "Awareness Test" in the following link, it might surprise you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahg6qcgoay4