Rumor Has It....

Photo by ohai_spackwood.

I am still reeling from the news today.  I just found out that I am getting divorced.  I admit, we've had our fair share of ups and downs and Lord knows our marriage is far from perfect (who's is?)...but this, this literally has knocked the wind out of me!  How had this happened...where had we gone wrong?   And why God, why is it that the wife...and the husband too in this case...are the last ones to know?  

Here we were, blissfully enjoying our Cape Cod vacation, when my husband received an email from a mutual friend.  She had been at a party whereupon someone asked her if the news was true, were my husband and I getting divorced?  She had shared that to her knowledge all was well, but warned us, we might have some damage control to do when we got home.

"Why would someone think that?", I asked my husband, growing suspicious that there might be an inkling of truth to what she had heard.  "What have you been up to?" I knew he had been spending a lot of time with attorneys lately.

"I bitch about you from time to time," he said, whilst assuring me that the word "divorce" had not been uttered.  He sat contemplating his bitch sessions, trying to pin point which one of the apparent multitude could have triggered such a rumor.  It appeared that the information about our divorce had originated on the golf course among guys that my husband plays men's club with.

Silently I reviewed all of the bad things about our relationship I had shared with friends.  Maybe it came from some of those conversations.  I made a mental note to cool down the husband bashing.  I was pretty sure I could count on my confidantes not to spread my rants publicly, so I started to eye my husband curiously.  Could he be secretly contemplating divorce?  "Are you sure there isn't something I should know?" I pressed.

At that moment, his phone rang.  It was a fellow my husband golfs with, and this gentleman had felt compelled to call, as he stood on the first tee box on men's day to verify whether or not we were divorced.  He had heard about it too! According to the caller, we were already divorced (shock) and my husband had run away with another woman to a neighboring golf  course community (disbelief).  What?  In a matter of hours the story of our collapsing marriage had us fully unhitched and my husband happily upgrading to a wealthy broad at a private golf course!  It was appearing more and more likely that the story of our divorce had originated from someone in my husband's circle.  I was immensely curious as to what he may have said to foster such a tale?

My husband assured the caller that we were not divorced at this time and that we were still somewhat happily married.  He informed him that, no, unfortunately, he did not have a new girl friend.  The fellow thanked my husband for his straight forward answers about our non-divorce and suggested he tell me, to enhance the quality of the rumor, that his new, richer girlfriend was also extremely HOT.  

Wait a minute!  I thought, If anyone was going to run away with a rich, hot, somebody, it was going to be me!!  

Since we heard about our divorce, we have been moving from looking sideways at each other to joking about the fun we could have playing it up.  I vacillate between wondering if my husband is unhappy with our marriage and inadvertently spilled his guts to some guys at the golf course bar after a few beers to imagining the effect it would have were I to throw his golf clubs and some random clothes onto our front lawn.  Wouldn't it be fun to stir the rumor mill into a frenzy?

Despite his assurances that he has no intention of divorcing me I can't help but wonder if it is possible that he has a girl friend I don't know about?  Was he setting me up for a fall?  Weren't rumors often twisted versions of the truth?  Who could have spoken so confidently that our marriage was over if they didn't have some information that was strong enough to compel them to throw it into the gossip mill?

Part of me is flattered that my little life seemed interesting enough to distort and hash around at a dinner party.  I am curious who else might come forward with questions about the health of our marriage.  How deeply has this thread been woven into the fabric of our social circle?

Part of my mind explores this story as if it were reality.  What if my husband did want to leave me?  Would he be justified?  Have I been my best for him...he for me?  Is my life better by being with him and vice verse?  I started to review my wifely performance and in reality, it hasn't been that hot lately...he could be justified to want out...to find what is lacking between us with somebody else.  How easy it would be to move away from each other and the complicated lives that accompany our marriage into something new and simple.  

I look back to when we were first together and what made me love him...what now I try to change.  Do we still love each other after all of these years?  Are our lives what we hoped they would be?  Do I complete him...(ack!)  I ask myself these questions...and I am surprised to realize he might be asking himself these questions too.

Sometimes in relationships one partner might think they have the upper hand...the least risk, the most security.  Often those who assume that confident role are the ones who have the rug pulled out from under them, when the one they took for granted, chooses to go.  Could that be what is happening?  Have I been busy assuring myself that any problems we might have are his and not mine?  Perhaps that attitude itself has contributed to this story...the initiate.  Will we choose to rewrite the story and better our characters so that we can undo the thread? 

I guess we'll keep listening...keep questioning.  Thank you rumor mill for this food for thought.  I know at least that I can breathe easy for now...my marriage intact, my husband still with me and not with some new and better woman.  I'll hold on tightly to that for now and listen closely tomorrow for the latest word on the street.