Blog in Brief: Is it Safe to Go to the Movies, Mom?

Photo by whiteafrican.

"Murderers don't go to children's movies!" I blurted out, shocked that my seven year old son had just asked me if there might be a murderer at the movie theater we were headed to.  We were off to see "ParaNorman-3D" ($3Bucks) and out of the blue, he started to ask if we would be safe.  

Recovering somewhat, I added in a "don't-be-silly-tone", "There won't be a murderer at the movie theater, Honey."  I  can't believe I just said that sentence! 

"But how do you know for sure, Mom?" I watched him nervously in the rear view mirror, wondering how much this was effecting him.  I realized he was not going to let this rest.  He was genuinely worried about our safety.  How was I supposed to answer this question?  How different is the world that he is growing up in, that he has to worry whether or not some maniac might open fire on him...at the movies, at the mall, at school??

"Bad people like that are very rare, and those things don't happen very often,"  I began.  Hoping not to create more fear I added, "Sometimes airplanes crash, but we still go on them.  These accidents don't happen very often and we know that almost all of the time, we will be safe."  This placated him a little, but I could still see the possibility of being attacked at the movie theater was worrying him.   My mind was racing.  How far was the right distance to travel with this subject?

I began to wonder whether it was my duty to give him the knowledge and tools to handle a shooting situation.  It worried me to discuss this in detail, lest I turn him into a fearful and paranoid individual.  I still believe these episodes are unlikely to ever happen to us... Could the frequency of these episodes continue to increase and actually become part of his future reality and something he would have to be on the lookout for?  Was teaching my child how to protect himself in this kind of situation now a necessary part of parenting?

I had recently watched a video that was chain-mailed to me, called "Run Hide Fight: Surviving an Active Shooter Event" available on YouTube on the following link: 

https://www.google.com/search?q=run+hide+fight+you+tube&sugexp=chrome,mod=13&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

At first I was skeptical about watching it...worrying it was just a gun rights promo video.  Afterwards however, I was glad that I had, and yet saddened that such a video needed ever have been made.  This viral video presents a graphic dramatization of a public shooting incident that provides guidance about what to do if you should ever, God forbid, find yourself in a situation such as this. Armed with this information, I decided to take the discussion with my son one step further, and actually review what he should do in the event of a shooting.

"What do you think you should do if there ever was someone with a gun at the movies?" I asked, monitoring his reaction in the mirror. 

"RUN!"  he stated confidently.

"That's right!" I replied.  "Would you stand up and run?"  I tested.

"No, I would get down low!"  he said defiantly.  

"If it wasn't safe to run, would you hide?" I asked, feeling more at ease with the conversation.  He seemed to feel better knowing we were making a plan.

"Yes," he agreed.

We further discussed that it was most important to make himself safe first and to be Super-Spy quiet.  We discussed calling for help and warning other people, much like it is reviewed in the video.   

As we arrived at the theater, his questions had ceased.  Perhaps he believed that there would be no gunman after all or perhaps he felt safer knowing that we knew how to handle it if there was.  I hoped I had handled this properly.  I hoped I'd risen to this unexpected motherly challenge.  I hoped we would be safe...

Cultural Enlightenment

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A Vagina by Any Other Name

Black Orchid, Georgia O'Keefe Photo by ahisgett.

Vagina.  That word.  It is evoked rarely in conversation and when it is, it is spoken hesitantly, uncomfortably, most often reserved for the privacy of the doctor's office...you know, (said in a hushed whisper) the one with the stirrups.  Vagina as a name doesn't feel right, like the word is completely wrong for what it is meant to describe. Like when you meet someone whose name does not seem to match their personality.  Say a Frank who looks more like a Sam or a Jane who should have been a Kate.  Names can personify the very people or things they are attached to.  They can evoke a clear image of the essence of a "thing"...in the case of the "V" word, the name choosers missed the mark.

When I hear the word "Vagina" I think of secret things, dark and unspeakable things.  The word is rugged, mountainous, full of jagged consonants that create the image of harsh and inhospitable terrain.   "Gentlemen, I must warn you, keep your wits about you whence you enter the territory of the Vagina.  None but the bravest among you shall return!"  Only Borat's pronunciation, in the movie of the same name, "Vagine" (said with a soft, reverential french accent) can repair the brutishness of the word.

So turned off are we by this word, we as a culture manipulate it, change it, to cuter, more palatable words that are less populated with unfriendly "v's" and "g's".   Perhaps this word has tolerated too many negative stereotypes over time...perhaps as a woman, when I hear that word I am reminded of them and the insecurities that go along with them...the doctor's probing.  It makes sense that the name for this incredible and sought after body part was provided by men from a long lost time...the same men who believed the uterus floated about the female body (settling in the location of a given women's malady) and that the same uterus were it starved of sustenance (semen) (how clever these men were!), would cause female hysteria to set in.   Their distaste and primness haunts the word to this day!

In Latin, Vagina, which originated somewhere in the late 1600's, means "sheath" or "scabbard" (something one would slide a knife or sword into when they were done killing people)...a wrap around storage device if you will.  It is thought to have been considered slang in those days, eventually moving to formal adoption in later years.  If we prefer the botanical origination, it perhaps evokes greater grace and beauty, as the point at the base of a leave where it joins the stem of the plant.

Like a park whose namesake is long dead, this body part is overdue for renaming!  I propose therefore, that we rename the vagina using a much more palatable word.  A softer more equivocal word...resonate of the best virtues this blessed body part possesses.  One less likely to be avoided in polite conversation.  One we would speak openly, happily, so loving the word, we might even overuse it.   It must evoke pleasurable feelings like the word "Chocolate" or comfort like we feel uttering, "Fuzzy Slippers".  The mere mention of the word should relax us and remind us of all the good things the vagina does, not all the icky things historically associated with it.

Here is a sampling of the new names I pondered:

1.  Shenis:  Like the male counterpart, but more obviously female.
2.  Lovey:  Like the security blanket of small children, what greater comfort could a word connote?
3.  Missliscious:  Takes away the "ick" factor.
4.  Cozylala:  Warm and whimsical at the same time, like a feminine protection commercial.
5.  Delores:  A cousin for Clitoris.
6.  Excipite:  Welcome! in Latin.
7.  Pulchra:  Beautiful in Latin. (There were so many other positive Latin names available!)

As I pondered all of these possibilities, trying hard to stay away from common slang or terms with negative connotation, (I admit it was difficult to find a word that embodied the plethora of characteristics I was trying to capture), I considered linguistic origin, consonant structure and the myriad of other traits a word might present when mouthed.  The more I thought, the more one name kept returning to my mind.  I dismissed it at first, but the thought grew persistent, and thus it gradually began to grow on me.  This name is currently possessed by an embodiment of the feminine.  At once strong and independent with a balance of softness and invitation.

"Scarlett Johansson"

What do you think?? Isn't it perfect! Try it on for size...say it a few times and feel how easily it rolls off your tongue.  Scarlett...synonymous with color, vibrant and lively red.  Johansson, sister of Johnson, Hairy if you will.  There is strength of will and infinite delicacy bundled into perfect harmony with this simple name.  Imagine if your gynecologist were to say, "I shall now insert the speculum into your Scarlett Johansson.".  I can imagine myself more able to relax, my knees falling open.  Or if your lover were to utter, "Darling...may I touch your Scarlett Johansson?"  I would be unable to resist so imbued with sexuality and femininity is the name.

I am not sure how we would go about an official name change...a vote might be required.  If we were to, en masse, start using the word more commonly, it might kick start the wheels of change, and our blessed nether regions would finally have a name worthy of all of her ethereal charms.

Rumor Has It....

Photo by ohai_spackwood.

I am still reeling from the news today.  I just found out that I am getting divorced.  I admit, we've had our fair share of ups and downs and Lord knows our marriage is far from perfect (who's is?)...but this, this literally has knocked the wind out of me!  How had this happened...where had we gone wrong?   And why God, why is it that the wife...and the husband too in this case...are the last ones to know?  

Here we were, blissfully enjoying our Cape Cod vacation, when my husband received an email from a mutual friend.  She had been at a party whereupon someone asked her if the news was true, were my husband and I getting divorced?  She had shared that to her knowledge all was well, but warned us, we might have some damage control to do when we got home.

"Why would someone think that?", I asked my husband, growing suspicious that there might be an inkling of truth to what she had heard.  "What have you been up to?" I knew he had been spending a lot of time with attorneys lately.

"I bitch about you from time to time," he said, whilst assuring me that the word "divorce" had not been uttered.  He sat contemplating his bitch sessions, trying to pin point which one of the apparent multitude could have triggered such a rumor.  It appeared that the information about our divorce had originated on the golf course among guys that my husband plays men's club with.

Silently I reviewed all of the bad things about our relationship I had shared with friends.  Maybe it came from some of those conversations.  I made a mental note to cool down the husband bashing.  I was pretty sure I could count on my confidantes not to spread my rants publicly, so I started to eye my husband curiously.  Could he be secretly contemplating divorce?  "Are you sure there isn't something I should know?" I pressed.

At that moment, his phone rang.  It was a fellow my husband golfs with, and this gentleman had felt compelled to call, as he stood on the first tee box on men's day to verify whether or not we were divorced.  He had heard about it too! According to the caller, we were already divorced (shock) and my husband had run away with another woman to a neighboring golf  course community (disbelief).  What?  In a matter of hours the story of our collapsing marriage had us fully unhitched and my husband happily upgrading to a wealthy broad at a private golf course!  It was appearing more and more likely that the story of our divorce had originated from someone in my husband's circle.  I was immensely curious as to what he may have said to foster such a tale?

My husband assured the caller that we were not divorced at this time and that we were still somewhat happily married.  He informed him that, no, unfortunately, he did not have a new girl friend.  The fellow thanked my husband for his straight forward answers about our non-divorce and suggested he tell me, to enhance the quality of the rumor, that his new, richer girlfriend was also extremely HOT.  

Wait a minute!  I thought, If anyone was going to run away with a rich, hot, somebody, it was going to be me!!  

Since we heard about our divorce, we have been moving from looking sideways at each other to joking about the fun we could have playing it up.  I vacillate between wondering if my husband is unhappy with our marriage and inadvertently spilled his guts to some guys at the golf course bar after a few beers to imagining the effect it would have were I to throw his golf clubs and some random clothes onto our front lawn.  Wouldn't it be fun to stir the rumor mill into a frenzy?

Despite his assurances that he has no intention of divorcing me I can't help but wonder if it is possible that he has a girl friend I don't know about?  Was he setting me up for a fall?  Weren't rumors often twisted versions of the truth?  Who could have spoken so confidently that our marriage was over if they didn't have some information that was strong enough to compel them to throw it into the gossip mill?

Part of me is flattered that my little life seemed interesting enough to distort and hash around at a dinner party.  I am curious who else might come forward with questions about the health of our marriage.  How deeply has this thread been woven into the fabric of our social circle?

Part of my mind explores this story as if it were reality.  What if my husband did want to leave me?  Would he be justified?  Have I been my best for him...he for me?  Is my life better by being with him and vice verse?  I started to review my wifely performance and in reality, it hasn't been that hot lately...he could be justified to want out...to find what is lacking between us with somebody else.  How easy it would be to move away from each other and the complicated lives that accompany our marriage into something new and simple.  

I look back to when we were first together and what made me love him...what now I try to change.  Do we still love each other after all of these years?  Are our lives what we hoped they would be?  Do I complete him...(ack!)  I ask myself these questions...and I am surprised to realize he might be asking himself these questions too.

Sometimes in relationships one partner might think they have the upper hand...the least risk, the most security.  Often those who assume that confident role are the ones who have the rug pulled out from under them, when the one they took for granted, chooses to go.  Could that be what is happening?  Have I been busy assuring myself that any problems we might have are his and not mine?  Perhaps that attitude itself has contributed to this story...the initiate.  Will we choose to rewrite the story and better our characters so that we can undo the thread? 

I guess we'll keep listening...keep questioning.  Thank you rumor mill for this food for thought.  I know at least that I can breathe easy for now...my marriage intact, my husband still with me and not with some new and better woman.  I'll hold on tightly to that for now and listen closely tomorrow for the latest word on the street.