Leaving the Bullies Behind: A Fresh Start Success Story (at least for now)

Happy times.

We just moved my daughter to a new school, due to some "relational" issues she was having at her former school (aka bullying).  Try as she might she could not find a space for herself in the ranks of her peers and sadly their attitudes and attacks were contagious, spreading even to her soccer team.

Her former school was small, there are only 14 kids in each grade (from K to 8), and as a result, her social choices were limited.  There were only a handful of possible girl friends to chose from and she was never able to form any stable or fulfilling relationships with any of them.  I believe she had an assigned "role" with her classroom peers (maybe even with her teachers) that had developed and stuck fast from the early days of elementary school.  We began to see that there was no way for her to escape this classification or change it without removing her from the situation.

Before making the decision to move schools, we had tested the water by moving her to a new soccer team in a different town.   I was apprehensive, worrying that her problems might follow her, that somehow she might be the cause of her peer rejection, but to my great relief and mommy joy, she had an amazing experience.  She grew to love soccer again and was embraced more rapidly by this young group of strangers than she had ever been with children who had known her for years.  All of the girls were positive and supportive of each other, there was no cheap shots or exclusion.  She literally would BEAM after games and practices, eager for more.

At a party, not long afterwards, I shared with a group of friends the turmoil that my daughter had been experiencing and how happy I was that switching soccer teams had worked out so well.  As I lamented the difficulty we were now having deciding on whether or not to change schools, a rather direct friend interrupted me, asking, "So you will change her soccer team because of this, but not her school?"

That stopped me.  Making the decision to change schools had been torturing me.  What if this was the wrong decision?  What if she is bullied there too?  There would be no going back.  I could just make this situation worse!  But I had seen her thrive at soccer, lavished with love at summer camps, glow under the friendship of her new BFF.  It seemed more and more certain that her social rejection at school had less and less to do with her, than it did the ingrained and manipulated social dynamic she was stuck in.

When we told our daughter that we had decided to let her change schools, something she had been begging to do since third grade, she was ecstatic.  "Finally!" she exclaimed.  At no time did she show sadness or nervousness at starting a new school.  I on the other hand was a different story.

With the weight of this decision lifted, and the knowledge that she would not have to return to her former school, she opened up even more, sharing more stories of the peer challenges that she had been experiencing.  In one instance, she was wearing some Sketcher shoes to school, they are blingy and cute and she absolutely loved them.  Having been temporarily welcomed into a tenuous friendship with one of her on-again-off-again buddies, she asked her in earnest, "What can I do to be cooler like you?" (that question broke my heart)

"Well first, you can lose those shoes, they make you look stupid.  Get cooler clothes and wear some make up," was the Sages' cool advice.  This would explain why she had never worn those shoes again. ( Incidentally, this was the same girl who had made her stop wearing another pair of her favorite shoes in 2nd grade because of their low cool factor...I paid her $1.00 a day for every day she wore them anyway...to the tune of twenty bucks).

We had a discussion on the superficial nature of those comments, how they had nothing to do with who she was as a person and had everything to do with what she put on her body.  We talked about how some people judge us by how we look or what we wear, something I told her, I did not agree with, but that it was a fact of life.  (My daughter has preferred comfort over style and brushing her hair, in her opinion, is annoying and a waste of time).  

I realized, that this was my chance to impart some teaching and advice on how she presented herself, made more crucial by the imminent new-girl first impression that she was due to be making.  I knew then, that I could help ease her transition into her new school by removing the possibility of rejection based upon her wardrobe.  No fashion expert myself, I had to do some research.

I began combing the web, visiting Teen Vogue and various other teen sites.  I started noticing what other kids her age were wearing.  I realized that I, as the buyer of her clothes, had been clueless to cool.  I learned the trendy brands (she has the coolest backpack as determined by apparent backpack experts at Vogue).  She has a few items of "label" clothes, but not enough to be obnoxious.  She has skinny jeans and "jeggings".  She has catchy logo'ed tees, lots of plaid and black ankle boots she has described at "Hot!"  She is no longer allowed to leave the house with messy hair. And I made her agree to let me pick out her outfits, NO MATTER WHAT, for the first week of school.  (advice that has grown contagious as she relishes looking "cool" so she can get to being "real" with her new school mates).

Let's just say, that changing schools was absolutely the right decision.  My daughter is BEAMING everyday.  She loves school again.  Soccer is still awesome and she is gaining more and more confidence. "Mom, all of these girls want to hang out with me!  I need a social calendar.  That has never happened to ME before!" she shared recently (as I yelped with happiness inside).

And so, we are cautiously optimistic that our dear girl will now be able to pass through the tumult of middle school without worrying about peer rejection.  Oh I am sure there are rough patches ahead, but for now, my kid is finally cool...inside and out.