Shedding My Skin: 2013

Photo by Donkeyhotey.

The new year stretches before me like an empty, primed canvas. Virginal, untainted, limitless possibility.  I can paint the portrait of this new year any way I choose.  Sky is the limit! As I begin to lean towards my future however, I feel the insistent pull of my past, the baggage from last year, clinging to me, determined to accompany me across the threshold of 2013, it's grubby paws eager to dirty my future with more of the same.  How can I create a new beginning while burdened with the weight of my past?  Can I let go of my personal narrative, imprinted like a soul-tattoo, with all of it's self limiting conspiracies?

The message of the New Year's resolution is that we are deficient. There is pressure to live better in the new year, to transform into an improved version of ourselves.  We are motivated to become self critical, perhaps even to face the truth that we failed to improve what we had set out to the year before.  Overweight? (Still?) Weak! Pathetic! Improve damn you! Change!  Commit! Suddenly, we are caught off guard by how quickly the new year arrives, so much left undone.  We are out of time, resolutions unfulfilled, habits unchanged and muffin tops left to blossom.

As luck would have it, the New Year provides us with an annual "Do-Over", an endless supply of second chances to set things right.  2012 was not the greatest year.  In fact, I will admit that it was one of the worst.  Aside from all of the social, economic, natural and cultural catastrophes that plagued this unfortunate year, for me personally, I awoke one day to find myself living the life of a stranger (sadly, not an attractive stranger). Many of the known conditions and comforts that had blanketed my life with predictability and security were ripped away last year, leaving the barest roots of my world naked and exposed.  Each day has become an unknown.  There is fear in that, but there is also possibility.

Throughout this tumult, I had begun a meaningful journey to transform myself, my priorities, my relationships, to redefine who I am in this world.  There is nothing wrong with me, dammit! (She doth protest too much) Ironically, I embarked upon this journey at the exact moment I needed these skills the most.  My self perceptions and personal values have been challenged as never before in my adult life, and I was launched towards a re-evaluation of my choices and, inevitably, towards deciding what I want my future to look like.  Would it look like my past or would I invent something entirely different?

I suppose it boils down to what I value most at this point in my life.  My family?  Yes.  My husband? Maybe.  Marriage is not a blinded commitment, once made, no longer looked upon.  I think it's healthy to examine where we are together. (Plus it keeps him on his toes) Have we lived up to each other's expectations?  Will my future still be better with him?  What about work?  Am I spending my days doing something that inspires me or merely something that serves me financially?  Perhaps I have enslaved myself to a lifestyle that does not reflect my values.  Am I wasting time, that precious and limited commodity?  Because, whether I like it or not, it is passing.

Have I kept my word to myself or let emotional patterns steer me?  (I vote the latter) I see this area of reflection as my biggest failure of last year and, sadly, the biggest failure in many of the preceding years. Failing to keep the commitments I have made to myself is the most effortless thing I do.  It's simple.  My rationalizations are so well rehearsed, I barely attend to their constant dialogue.  I have failed to create consequences for letting myself down as, for some reason, I don't hold myself accountable. (If I'm not, then who is?)  I grow exhausted trying to live up to the expectations I have for myself as I find that I have only limited endurance for self improvement.  (Just give me a brownie already and I really just have to say it... Fuck!)

At the risk of sounding selfish, I think my new year will be best served if I resolve to make the commitments I make to myself my priority next year.  Often these vows are the very cliche resolutions proclaimed every year, whose potential for success are limited by the failure to honor the word we have given to ourselves.  Why should we feel guiltless when we break the promises we've made to ourselves?  Do we hold ourselves in such low regard?

Rather than continuing to haphazardly finger-paint my future, I shall instead, strive to create a masterpiece, painting myself as the focal point and letting the rest fill itself in for a change.  Bring it on 2013!  I'm a comin'!  (Just give me a moment to throw these old bags out the window!)