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| Photo by Lindsey Turner |
I was recently catching
up on journal articles and came across an interesting study on a topic that I
have never seen published outside of The Journal of Proctology and rest stop
bathrooms. The article was cleverly entitled, "The
Self Report of Fecal Incontinence and Constipation Questionnaire in Patients
with Pelvic Floor Dysfunction Seeking Outpatient Rehabilitation".
After reading the
report, I had some questions and rebuttal. First, I question the
construct validity of a self report when asking the individual the number of
times that they have pooped their pants. I think it is safe to say that
the numbers will be skewed suspiciously downward. Sure, who hasn’t been sick
in a Peruvian hostel in a deep canyon and found themselves dropping a little
mierda in their pantelones? It happens
to all of us. These are the outstanding stories that we hand down through the
ages, passed on from one generation to the next. “Your great grandfather, Harold, soiled
himself in a train accident.” “Why I
remember when Aunt Ethel laughed so hard she soiled her best churchgoing
dress.”
But I doubt we will get
the real poop on the number of daily accidents on the way to the store or
picking the kids up from soccer. Shart
anyone?
The second issue I have
with the report is the usual APA format which requires it to have a section
that is called, "Data Collection". Are they really collecting
this data? Where is it stored? Do you run analytics, or are the
analytics runny? I am not even touching, no really, the double entendre
of the ANALytics.
As one continues with
the study they come across the actual questionnaire which asks the individual
to respond to such topics as:
"How much of a
problem for you is the bowel leak when you are awake?" The options
are anywhere from not a problem to a serious problem. My question is, who
does not think that having a turd run down their leg is not a serious problem?
"How often do you
leak feces after you thought you had finished defecating?" Maybe a
little more time on the toilet and a little less rush -rush to get out the
front door would help this issue.
Really, you are in way too much of a hurry if you have to jump in the
car before you finished your daily constitutional.
"How often does
your bowel leak when you are physically active, including coughing or
sneezing?" After reading this section, I know that I will never ever
give anyone my handkerchief after sneezing.
If you have to prioritize what bodily fluid to clean up after sneezing,
I would put odds that the hankie will not be used on snot.
"To what extent do
you feel your sex life has been affected by your bowel leakage?" Clearly,
anything less than a "shitload" should not be listed as a possible
answer. If you are pooping all over your partner, it’s affecting your sex life.
I did not see any questionnaire
for the poop-ertrator’s partner. I think we may see some pretty different
answers if we start polling everybody that is sleeping in the disgraced
bed.
And finally, the last probing
question "Do you require manual assistance to have a bowel movement?"
Honestly, I don't even know what
this is. My imagination conjures up a myriad of visions; belly rubs, performing
a modified self-Heimlich maneuver, a plunger, or any assortment of plumbing
tools. This leads to another question,
how physically flexible must the individual be in order to administer the
mechanical self assisted devices? If the
individual lacks this flexibility, do they have a very close friend who can
first, help them out and second, keep a secret?
In the end, I think the
questionnaire brings up some very dark issues, I for one, am not sure I want to
go there.
