The Half-Time Report: Let's Kick Some Ass!!

Photo by kellbailey.

I am a middle aged woman. (In case you had forgotten from my 35 other posts devoted to this topic).  I guess it's on my radar, you know, since I am smack dab in the the middle of being in the middle.  Using available statistics of the typical life expectancy for the average American female, I am exactly half way to the end of my allotted time. (Barring catastrophic injury or illness of course.)  I have some choices to make.  I can continue to wallow (count wrinkles and grey hair) or I can start to put a positive spin on this getting older thing.  Whether any of us like it or not, graphically, we are on the downside of our upward trend, and are now lurching (okay, overstated, more like pitching slightly) towards the dreaded, the inevitable....old age!  Duh Duh Dunnnn! (deeply spoken, suggestive of extreme melodrama).

Why are we so damn afraid of getting old?  I know lots of old people.  Incidentally, the older I get, the older old gets.  When I was 20 something, I thought a 40 year old guy was appallingly old, verging on disgusting.  Since I am now married to an almost 50 year old man  (how did that happen??) my calculation of "old" needed some updating. Ironically, I now prefer 50 something guys, and find the thought of being with 20 something guys, disgusting.  Women are supposed to have their best years in middle age, the deepest friendships, the greatest sexual satisfaction (mostly because we have given up trying to act like porn stars in the rack and now know what we want, making no apologies for taking it!)

What was so great about being 20 anyway?  I mean, you were broke and nobody respected you, particularly old people.  You were nowhere in your career and while dating you risked abject humiliation near constantly.  You didn't own anything of substance, you were still trying desperately to impress your friends, and spending time alone was considered a social failure.  You hated your body (a trend that will persist throughout your life).  You had no idea who you were or what you wanted and you hated your parents.    You knew everything and were better than everyone, although you were too insecure to let everyone know it.  Your skin was unpredictable.  You couldn't afford to travel, and even if you could, your friends couldn't.  Your tolerance for alcohol was off the charts and sex was kind of shitty.  You lived with slovenly room mates, your car barely ran (if you were lucky enough to own one), you couldn't drag your ass out of bed before noon every day, and you were likely a waitress or bartender.

But now, here you are!  You've survived the first half of your life!  You've made it to middle age! Half-time. No disease, healthy mind, healthy body, switching to cruise control.  (Might you even go on a cruise?)  Money in the bank, happy family, a marriage that's beating the odds, successful career, and halle-frick'en-lujah, you've found sexual awareness!  Why the hell are you complaining? Mid-life crisis?  (I spit on your mid-life crisis!!)  What are you wishing you had back?  Really?  Feel like recapturing the real you, the glory days?  Seriously, if you started bar hopping now, it would be creepy!

Let's get cliche for a moment and talk about the proportionate fullness of glasses.  We are poised for some serious awesomeness my fellow mid-lifers!  Truly, if things go well, you get to live your whole life, to this point, over again, without the angst and pathetic-ness that comes with being young!!  Imagine the power you have!  Look back on your life.  The first 20 years were spent "growing up", learning to walk, wiping your own ass, etc.  Now look at you!  All grown up, clean derriere and all the know-how accumulated from the first half of your life, at your ready disposal!  You know who you are!  Now start planning some adventure!  Imagine how dangerous you would be in high school if you knew what you know now!

If you are in a rut, that is your own damn fault.  You can't enter the next half of your life with one foot firmly rooted in the past.  Stop looking back over your shoulder, you're falling behind. Commit to it and embrace it.  Time is passing whether you like it or not!

It is healthy and normal to take a good, long look at your life strategy moving forward.  After all, the rules set in the first half of your life, were provided by a much more immature and less substantive version of yourself. You can still experience passion and excitement and achievement.  You don't have to run out and get a tattoo or pierce your nipple!  Look at what you have accumulated in your life thus far and use it to your advantage moving forward.

A little reframing might be in order.  Ask questions....What is really important to you?  What are you afraid that you are missing?  What new pursuits do you want to challenge yourself with?  Are you happy with how you are living your life?  Are you driven by intrinsic or extrinsic rewards?  Are the relationships you currently have fulfilling, interesting, stimulating?  Are you fully committed to your life? Ask those questions honestly, and look for the answers within yourself.  Don't blame.  Hit re-set and look at your life from the present version of yourself, and let that old mold crack...what does a 20 year old know about what you are living right now anyway?

Now get out there you bunch of lily, livered bastards and kick some second-half ass!

Where Has All the Romance Gone? Real Life Tips to Get it Back

Photo by Mikail.

I watch the Bachelor.  Yes, I am embarrassed to admit it, but I do.  Ben, this seasons' bachelor, just like his predecessors, is wooing a bunch of hot girls, hand picked to vie for the honor of being his wife.  He gets to make out with all of them on fancy-smanchy dates involving helicopters and mountain tops.  My husband watches with me, and I am sure laments the fact that such an opportunity was not open to him in his youth.  Damn you reality television!!!

As I watch,(religiously every week: Mondays 7:00 pm MST) I am struck by how much I miss that wooing stuff!  The first dates, the rapt attention paid to each other, the "I can't get enough of you!" mood and let's not forget, the FIRST kiss!  They are so damn interested in each other!  They actually ask questions and share stuff and look into each other's eyes for extended periods of time!  The sexual tension is palpable and they do and say such nice and sweet things to/for each other!

You married folk can probably imagine where I am going with this.  How can you keep traces of that alive in a long term relationship?  We know each other's stories...our exaggerations, our glory days, even our punch lines.  Everything moving forward is a shared experience, novelty is gone.  Where are the helicopters and mountain tops?  The spontaneity the passion?

Sure the bachelor has all these extravagant dates that would absolutely make any one look good!   Hell, I'd sleep with Newt Gingrich if he jetted me off to a private island in Fiji! (Okay, that example went a little too far.  There is nothing Newt could do to get me to bang him.)   Even though they call it reality television, there is nothing real about it.  When the Bachel-Whore (as I have come to call him), finally does pick his woman, he will settle into mundane routines just like the rest of us, and that unique and irresistible sparkle he thought she had will fade with time.  His eye might even start to wander.

My in laws have been married for 50 years!  Good Lord!  Your whole life must be numb to be able to survive the same person that long!  Truly, at times my mother-in-law can barely contain her contempt for her husband.  I have caught her mumbling insults at him and asking her what she just said.  Her reply, "Oh!  Did I say that out loud?"  At a certain age, I imagine, you must just accept your lot, assume you can't do any better and decide you would rather stay with your spouse than risk being alone.  Yikes!  How cynical was that?

I remember getting bored pretty quickly in pre-marriage relationships.  After a year or so, I wasn't interested any more.  Nothing surprised me.  They no longer made me laugh.  To my husband's credit, I am not bored with him yet, even after all these years.  Frankly, that amazes me and makes me think I made a good choice in marrying him.

That doesn't mean, however, that the long-term relationship doldrums don't sneak in from time to time.  We are both worn out from our independent lives (work) and it often times doesn't leave much energy for "us" when we are together.  My husband is also pretty much a guy's guy and possesses a limited romance repertoire.  We spend a lot of time pursuing our own things, while the other takes on the parenting responsibilities to enable that.  You could call it a tag team marriage.   For example, right now, he is on a week long trip with his BFF (or the other wife as I refer to him).  In a couple weeks, I am going on a solo hiking retreat for a few days.  I have a girls trip in April, he has a boys trip in May. There are no immediate plans for us to do anything like that, alone, together.

So how can we stay connected, passionate....together, for the long haul?  Here are a few of my own thoughts.  Each is presented without a shred of professional know-how as to whether they work or not, but I imagine (taking hints from the Bachel-Whore) they might.

For Her

1.  When you are together, remove any distractions. (cell phones, television etc.)  Women like to feel like they have your full attention.
2.  Do something for her before she asks you to.  Example: Offer to take the kids out to breakfast in the morning so she can sleep in.
3.  Touch her without expecting her to "do" you afterwards.  Why not give her a wonderful body massage, and when you are done (after more than 3 minutes please), say good night.
4.  Do something incredibly thoughtful and spontaneous for her.  The challenge is for you to figure out what it is that is meaningful for her.  The simpler the better.  Flowers and jewelry are cliche.  Example:  My husband randomly brings me chai tea when I am busy at work.
5.  Plan a date without her knowing it....and make it a good one.  Do something she loves but you generally avoid like the plague.  For my hubby, he could hire a baby sitter for a day and come on a long hike with me somewhere.  Better yet, he could make it an overnight camp-out under the stars. (He takes care of all the packing and planning)  We could read poetry to each other and drink wine by the fire. Ooops!  I was getting distracted there...

For Him

1.  Surprise him with a date just for him.  Pick something he truly enjoys and go along willingly!  Concerts, racing cars in the desert, flying to Vegas for the golf expo...you get the picture.
2.  Fulfill a fantasy.  Mix it up in the rack...dress up, bring props, go down south, whatever it is that he really likes but that you don't give up very often.
3.  Thank him.  Men have a big thing about providing and being appreciated.  Give it to him!
4.  Support his buddy time.  Men need that as much as women need their girl friends.
5.  Show him affection on a regular and genuine basis.  A kiss in passing, a hug, something to let him know you are into him.  Men don't get as many compliments as women do.