Schwetty Balls

Photo by spDuchamp.

If you haven't watched the Saturday Night Live NPR satire about Sweaty Balls, you must immediately click on the link below and watch.  For me, talking about balls ranks right up there for levity producing potential, with fart jokes or shameful bodily function parodies.  I absolutely love fart jokes, and as a child had a cabbage patch doll who sported a bright pin-on-button, boldly asking "Who Farted?"

A frank testicular discussion is, I think, timely as we recover from the holiday blues.  It is also a topic that offers relief from stresses that cause us to shrink away protectively, from the repeated blows that life can deliver.  I am remiss that I have not blogged about male genitalia for some time and revisiting this sensitive subject, is long over due.  Coincidentally, I was recently talking about balls with a group of fun loving, semi-inebriated adults over the holidays.   A frequent undertone of this discussion was the mysterious nature of man-balls, and our (mostly mine and the rest of the women at the table) ignorance as to the proper handling of this, often, in-your-face anatomical feature. 

(Caution: blunt ball talk follows!)

Aside from the obvious sperm producing role of the male testicles, there is no clear consensus as to what else they might be good for, and more importantly, what we should do with them.  Let's be honest, balls are unsightly and prone to odor, a somewhat musty, moist, oldish smell.  This fragrance unlike many other bodily pheromones, tends to repel the opposite sex versus attract it.  Balls are also hairy, in a bristly and unpredictable way.  Licking a ball feels vaguely like licking a hairbrush. Logistically, licking a ball is challenging, as their is little space around the balls, and they are dangerously close to the ass.  It is tempting to mess around with balls due to the mysterious way they dance when stimulated.  I had great fun as a young woman poking around balls and watching them move. 

Ball handling skills usually only enter into our consideration sexually, during foreplay or oral sex.  Occasionally, a little additional ball manipulation during sex can move things along more quickly, you know, if they are dragging on and on and on.  Otherwise, whenever I have approached balls, I have felt at a complete loss.  They are so present and obvious, that ignoring them doesn't seem right, but at the same time I feel as if I am guessing at what the best way to stimulate them is.  The heat of the moment never seems like the right time to ask, "Honey, what should I do with your balls?"

During our informal ball discussion, one fellow suggested that his balls could be ignored, as for him it was truly all about the penis.  Others felt that it did indeed feel good to have their balls attended to, as some pleasure was derived from this.  It seemed to be an accessory to their pleasure, versus an activity they would request in isolation.  We joked about ball play, mimicking juggling them, wiggling them, poking them, etc., but still ended the discussion before any meaningful ball handling tactics were discussed.  Hand gestures and practical demonstrations would have been appreciated.

I have spent a small amount of time personally, googling best-ball handling practices.  (What ever did we do before the Internet?)  As a cautionary tale, there are certainly a broad range of testicle techniques in use to day, each dependant on the nature of the site you end up on.  Some are very scary.  You certainly can and should apply your own filter of acceptable ball play to these varied suggestions.  After all, what works for one man's balls might not work for another's.

One technique that stood out to me was the Ball Pulling technique.  With this technique, one reasonably grabs the balls and gently pulls them away from the man's body.  Apparently, this was supposed to be very pleasurable, and from an execution standpoint, seemed easy to accomplish.  I eagerly employed the technique at my next opportunity and watched closely for any reaction.  I was disappointed when there wasn't a noticeable change in response.  I reviewed the testicle tug instructions in my head, and was sure I was performing it properly.  Maybe he was distracted by everything else going on, or, quite likely, satisfied with just about any attention to this geographical area of his body as long as I wasn't physically abusing him.

I have been experimenting with different things for a long time now.  Most techniques have not elicited much specific reaction.  Only one has shown itself to be of any superior value, in certain circumstances, and that is when attention is given to the taint.  Most know that the taint is the area between the balls and the "no-go" zone.  Sustained pressure here during ejaculation is said to intensify orgasm, and my observations have supported this.  Like any good technique, I try not to overuse it. 

If your man is open to discussion, it is probably worth asking him what he wants you to do with his balls.  My husband glazes over when I ask questions like that, so it looks like he is just going to have to deal with the grab bag of techniques I employ.  My ball manipulating creativity has reached it's limits as there are only so many things I can come up with to keep mixing it up.

For simplicity's sake, from now on, I have decided to treat balls like a women's breasts'... much, much uglier and sweaty cousin. 



http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=1415

Happy New Year's Resolutions!

Photo by hokpakh3.

Ahhh, the big reset button!  A New Year!  Where all of the possibilities of a better life excite each of us so much that we formulate a refreshed, optimistic outlook and create an earnest and thoughtful plan for the year ahead, A.K.A a New Year's resolution! 

There are so may cliche resolutions: lose weight, eat healthier, save more money and/or the world, volunteer more, drink more water, shave our legs regularly etc. etc.  Perhaps like me, you notice your resolutions seem to repeat themselves each year, unresolved from the year before.  Each time we make these annual pledges to ourselves, we grit our teeth more firmly, and convince ourselves that this year will be different, and by God, we will get the job done!!

Watching some of the New Year's eve shows and reading quips in newspapers, I am also amazed at how little some people bite off when it comes to creating their master plan for the entire and unblemished canvas of the blessed year that lies before them.  My favorite of the reported resolutions I read was to "Brush my dog's teeth more regularly!"

I can only imagine the process that led to this being the front runner for this individual's New Year's resolution.  Did this poor sod walk daily by their sweet, innocent, plaque-infested pooch and mentally kick themselves over and over again with thoughts such as, "God I suck! Your teeth are so disgusting!" and having grown so tired of the relentless guilt and mental torture (not to mention heinous doggy breath), that they finally and resolutely, resolved to get the damn job done once and for all, goddammit, so they could just simply walk by their dog and not have to feel like the worst pet owner in the world!  And so vowing before nobody in particular, took on the grand task of canine oral hygiene, believing that their life in the next year would somehow be better for the doing of this super important task.  (Okay vet people, I know doggy dental issues are important, but really? So important that it is the first commitment to spring to mind whence planning for the betterment of the New Year?)

I generally like to go big with my New Year's resolutions as I attempt to correct what I feel were my biggest shortcomings of the prior year.  I have a pretty extensive list.  Of course fitness is one.  I read today in the New York times that New Year's fitness resolutions are the biggest boon for the fitness industry and gyms alike as people spend more money in January than any other month of the year on memberships they will stop using by March. 

Saving more money is up there on the resolution list, likely, a continued reaction to the horror movie of an economy we find ourselves unwillingly cast into.  I also want to pursue other interests that I haven't been able to find time for because of the aforementioned resolution, the saving money one, that forces me to work more and sucks every ounce of time from my life so I can't do things like write, or paint more or anything fun, Goddammit!  Whoa, am I biting off more than I can chew here?
Weren't these grand plans still taped to my refrigerator from last year?

Maybe, I began to think, I should resolve to cut myself some slack!  What do I honestly think I can change to facilitate these goals that I have had for years but have been unable to achieve?  I mean, I still have kids to take care of, a full time job and a business to run with all of the stresses that go along with that.  These realities aren't going anywhere anytime soon and no matter how vehemently I swear to everlasting God that I will change, I can't reasonably expect to succeed.  Perhaps the resolution should be more about the process and not the outcome.

Take the dog tooth brushing example.  What obstacles stopped that person from just grabbing a toothbrush along with some meat flavored tooth paste and brushing that darn dog's teeth?  Maybe the dog doesn't like it, and it turns into an all out battle to keep him still, and they end up just getting meat paste all over each other?  Maybe the real reason they don't do it is because it is frigging impossible within the constraints of real life?  Their dog is not suddenly going to hold still and make it easier for him, just because he made an out-loud vow to do it better in 2012.

Rewind! Change that!  My new New Year's resolution is to lower my expectations!  Maybe instead of brushing the dog's teeth more, this person could take the dog to the vet and have them do it, or throw him a bone to gnaw on once in a while?  For me, perhaps I will look at the bigger picture of my life, and accept that I have limited time and resources and no amount of good intentions is going to make these goals more achievable this year.  I need to accept that it doesn't mean I am weak, disorganized or lazy.  If I keep failing to achieve my resolutions, I must be aiming too high and each year, setting myself up to feel pathetic and horrible the following year because I haven't achieved these unattainable goals.  I got a dollar says that poor sod's dog will still have gungy teeth at the end of the year!

So...I resolve to do the best I can next year...within my reality.  I resolve not to set myself up for failure!  I want to live in the year feeling good about myself and not guilty for not being perfect at all the things I lack the ability to be perfect at.  I resolve to try, but accept that I might fail.