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My nine year old daughter has just started fourth grade. It didn't take long for the social dynamics in her class to get ramped up and I found myself reluctantly welcoming her, to the complex dynamic of female friendships. Her recent trials have brought back my own vivid memories from my fourth grade friendship experiences. I can recall in painful detail the uncertainty of these relationships, I would arrive to school in the morning uncertain if my gal pals and I were friends today or enemies. Sadly, I acknowledge that she has now entered the rabid wilderness of chick dynamics and joined the never ending hunt for the elusive BFF.
During our end of the day, routine, "How was your day?" discussion, she revealed to me that her former I-Love-You-Forever-You-Are-My-Best-Friend, friend, was ignoring her. To make matters worse she was recruiting two other common friends to her newly formed clique, gossiping and whispering, manipulating them into joining her in the "We-Aren't-Friends-With-You-Anymore!" isolation squad. Her poor little heart was broken, but she put up a tough front, telling me it didn't matter. "So who do you play with?", I asked, terrified that she had sat weeping and alone in the furthest corner of the playground during recess. "With my brother", she replied. Well at least she has her first grade brother to fall back on....
My instant mommy protectionism kicked in and I was ready to wreak havoc upon her school yard! My heart ached for her, and everything inside me wanted to make it all better. How could I save her from all of the angst I knew she was destined to experience? Women are bitches and they scare me! How could I teach her what I have failed to figure out in all of my 42 years?
I offered to talk to this girl's mother or to her teacher. She was mortified, and begged me not to interfere. "How about if I come to your soccer practice this evening?', I suggested. "No mom no! Please don't come. You'll embarrass me!", she begged. I was a little hurt that having me there as moral support was worse than the ostracizing she was feeling at the hands of her "friends". Her hurt from being spurned had even made her beg to be able to quit soccer, something that until recently she had absolutely loved. "The girls are mean there!", she shared as she pleaded her case to be able to quit.
It turns out that fourth grade is often a child's first experience with the more challenging dynamics of peer relationships as the emerging desire to be considered popular becomes all important. In "Your 4th Grader's Social Life", on education.com, author Rose Garrett, writes that this is a time when"social hierarchies form: as children vie to be perceived as “all that,” they negotiate a complicated structure of values, prejudices, and social pitfalls." Children begin to classify their peers into various groups and the levels of popularity begin to form.
My own experiences and observations show me that the meanest girls will often rise to the top of the social ladder. More passive classmates are easily swayed to join the vendetta of the moment, lest they become the object of loathing. Although I am immensely proud of the fact that my daughter in neither mean enough to initiate an isolation campaign nor passive enough to blindly fall into line with one, I realize that this will inevitably result in her to being on the outside of these popularity driven episodes more often than other girls might find themselves. Ironically, the more aggressive girls are often driven by insecurity. I noted this as I watched her ex-BFF order around her posse, making sure she was never alone. I think her biggest pet peeve with my daughter is that she will not tow the line and follow orders, her method of asserting her own perceived superiority.
Ms. Garrett shares that "now is the time for increased parental involvement, especially if your child is being excluded, teased, or bullied." She advises that you should "ask your child about how things are going at school, but ask others, too. Talk to your child's teacher or guidance counselor to get the inside scoop on your child's peer relationships." This empowered me to contact my daughter's teacher, who has a wealth of experience with this very topic. I am lucky to have her as a resource as she effectively, yet covertly manages these episodes. That very afternoon in fact, my daughter and her ex-BFF were speaking again and one of her cronies was begging for a sleep over. I sense that the water between these two, who seem for some reason embattled in a bitter war for top-dog status, will remain tepid at best, and the waves of friendship will be volatile for years to come.
I am hanging out at soccer practice more as well. Some experts agree that children are less "victimized" when the adults in their lives show active involvement. I just think other kids are terrified of adults. I used this power as I kindly introduced myself to all of the new girls, making lots of meaningful eye contact and I am making an active effort to get to know their parents. The first practice I attended was dramatically different than the prior ones, according to my daughter, who now happily invites me to attend.
With more observation, I admit I am no longer as eager to smooth over the tension with her ex-BFF as I realize that in all likelihood she will never be the kind of friend my daughter deserves. Therese Borchard, associate editor for physchcentral.com, describes the 10 types of female friends, and classifies her ex-BFF as a User or Frenemy. Someone whose intentions are calculated, manipulative and designed for personal gain. These individuals are described as charismatic and appealing and often the gate keeper to your social popularity, but their friendships are less meaningful. Strong desires to fit in however, make it hard to resist the allure of being part of her crowd. Being on the outside of it, can often be worse.
My hope for her is that she will learn to love, as I have, the Authentic Friend described by the author as " the one we are in search for, a woman who has a high tolerance for her friend’s entanglements and is deeply committed to the relationship. This relationship makes it worth all the ups and downs inherent in female friendship, and operates on mutual self-esteem, care, and flexibility. This is the friend who reinvents her role and adapts as friendships alter with time; she also remains steadfast with the patterns that have succeeded over the years." Ahh, does that sound good. Thankfully, I have a few of those myself.
