Look at the Jugs on Her!

Photo by Earls37a

Men look at other women.  Apparently, they can't help it.  This according to Luanne Brizendine, author of both "The Male Brain" and "The Female Brain".  With extensive study, she concludes that men are virtually helpless when it comes to checking out breasts.  Like the dog in the movie "Up" who becomes easily distracted.... "Squirrel!!"..., men are unable to resist staring at women's hoots.  Perhaps you've seen it before...the blatant stare, without apparent effort to disguise it, as it follows the female of interest across the room.

I have a couple of problems with this.  Firstly, I am aging my way out of the "having-my-breasts-stared-at" category.  I am a little less interesting to the passing male.  It's like they screen your face, recognize your age, and move on to more appealing visual targets.  Being checked out, as a women, reaffirms our attractiveness, which, whether you admit it or not, is important in defining how we see ourselves and intimately connected to our self esteem.  I have become therefore, more reliant on my spouse to reaffirm that for me.  After year upon year with the same mate, reacting to their attractiveness becomes vastly desensitized.  Less and less is novel or exciting.  For example, whence I emerge dripping and naked from the shower my husband barely looks up.  

The second issue I have with this, is that witnessing my husband easily muster the energy to check out another women, reaffirms his "old news" attitude towards me.  I literally begin to feel like chopped liver and modestly invisible.  Knowing that it is inherent in his nature to behave this way, does nothing to reduce the slight that I feel.  Who else should I be seeking out to fulfill this need of mine to feel attractive...to somebody...anybody?  His wandering eye is all I have.  If I didn't have him leashed by our wedding vows, I would half expect him to pounce on random women.

Apparently, when I was pregnant and our kids were small, I released a pheromone that reduced his testosterone levels by as much as 30%, temporarily reducing his eye-to-breast reflex.  This likely has something to do with survival of the species, keeping him around long enough to insure that his offspring survive, and preventing other males from entering the picture.  Our kids are growing up and his testosterone levels along with them.  I wonder if you can buy that shit in a diffuser at Bed Bath and Beyond?

From a strictly physiological standpoint, you can really only count on holding a man's interest, long enough to mate (up to 18 months of hormonal love cocktail in a new relationship) and then from pregnancy to your children's age of say, five, to insure survival.  I give it 7-10 years (18 months, plus 9 months pregnancy, plus five years to clear the kid survivability index, plus 3 more years if you have a second child).  Ever heard of the seven year itch?  One strategy for keeping your man interested and hormonally depressed would be to pump out numerous children.  Perhaps Brad left Jennifer because they never had children, and Angelina got the memo and thus keeps having kids... Look at Halle Berry...no kids, two divorces and infidelity and she is MEGA hot.

After child bearing is past, what keeps men in relationships?  Biochemically, their drive for monogamy is vastly reduced, whereas their drive towards novel women is intensifying.  All this while their spouses fertility signals are decreasing and his interest in her is waning through natural desensitization.   One of the most unfair things in nature, is that men age better than women, or at the very least, their aging is more accepted.  Women are attracted to older men while you rarely observe that occurring the other way around.   My husbands options for partners are much broader than mine.

Some examples of things that a man needs to stay committed to a marriage, even after his biochemistry would tend to release him from his connection to his spouse, include:

1.  Bromance:  According to a Cornell University study, men need to have close connections with buddies, outside of the couple friend network.
2.  Friendship:  Being best friends with your spouse increases relational longevity.  How long can you maintain friendships v. how long does the average marriage last?  'Nough said.
3.  Financial Stress:  Not always, but with the Great Recession, more than 29% of married couple report that they have increased their commitment to their marriages, according to a Virginia University study entitled "The Great Recession and Marriage".
4.  Longevity:  Married men live longer than their single counterparts. ( Perhaps ex-wives kill their husbands?)
5.  Sharing Goals:  Marriage becomes like a business partnership, as you work together towards common goals.

Marriages evolve over time, and so should our expectations of them.  My marital dynamics range from barely being able to stand his presence in the same room with me to deep, connected love for him (the latter, more than the former...most of the time) with the certainty that there is no one more suited to me than him.  If he could work up the energy to look up at my nakedness each time I pranced around in front of him, that could get very distracting, after all I do that every day, and have for the last 12 years or so....4,380 days to be exact.  The same who-ha visualized that many times, has an uphill battle for generating any degree of novelty. 

Acceptance of this biological handicap of his is one thing I can manage.  Rules need to be established however.  I would prefer that he work on his mammary stares, such that they are more subtle.  Secondly, as much as we are BFFs, I would prefer that he save such comments as "Whoa, look at the rack on her!" or "Nice view!" or "She would definitely be my hall-pass choice!", for his bromance time.   My fragile self image can't endure that much sharing.  I, at the same time, must seek out other ways to define myself, relying less on external influences, and more on internal ones.

Far From Perfect...

Photo by dok1.

I have gotten lost in my kids.  Not in the vicarious way, whereby my identity is defined by their accomplishments, but more by the lack of "me" time available, whence I can express my individuality.  There is a great commercial on the air these days, that shows a 20 something young adult, leaving home for the first time, reluctantly, fearing that her parents will wither and die without her around.  She believes that their lives revolve around her and so upon her departure, she imagines them sitting depressed-ly at home, doing nothing at all.  The camera breaks away to the parents.  They can barely contain their glee.  They are shown constantly on the go, beaming with joy, their lives finally returned to them.

I started thinking about this in relation to my own life, after a 20 something client of mine expressed amazement at the activities his mother was currently engaged in.  He spoke almost as if she were a stranger to him, caught in some mid-life crisis bender of new pursuits.  His mother happens to be a friend of mine, and I have only known her to be an active cyclist and golfer.  "There is no way she would have done any of these things when I was a kid.  Golf?  Are you kidding me!" he shared.  He looked at the situation as if she were suddenly a different person.  I knew better however.   She was the same person, but having children had forced her to become a "paused" version of herself, until the glorious day when her children had become self sufficient.

That's exactly what it feels like.  My life is on "pause".   I couldn't even tell you where on the hierarchy of family priorities my interests lie.   Oh sure, remnants of me pop up now and then, as I eke out time to do something for "me".  The problem is, I can't get a rhythm going...there is no consistency.  After a while, I guess I give up on things, knowing I will surely be interrupted or be unable to finish due to unpredictable changes in events.   This blog is a great example.  I know to build an audience, I have to write consistently, so I keep readers attention.  Finding that time on a regular basis however, is a huge challenge.

The ironic thing about all of this, is that my kids are defining me by this "paused" role.   At some point in their future, they will find themselves bewildered by my behaviour, as I return to some prior interest with zest, knowing that "me" time will dependably be there.  There won't be soccer practices, PTA meetings, or any other of the numerous obligations parenthood entails.  I might even be able to finally drop the extra 20 pounds I've been hauling around since they were born.

In wishing for my personhood to become "unpaused", I risk also wishing away my children's  childhoods.  Some would argue, including myself, that this self hibernation is worth it, for all of the rich experiences raising children offers.    The cliche of needing to find balance begins to haunt me again.  As their mom, I am an example.  Giving up on my own interests is a lost opportunity to expose them to my way of expressing my individuality and independence.   If I allow myself to immerse all of myself into being just their mom, how can I expect them to become diverse, independent people?   Please don't mistake the previous sentence as a mom slam.  Mommidom is certainly a great and challenging role.  Consider however, that if our goal is to teach our kids to be whole people, don't we need to be whole people ourselves?

I have one friend whose children have just left the nest and are off to college.  In their entire childhood, this friend and her husband, never took a single trip, day or night away from their children.  Seriously.  NEVER.   Bless her, she was the perfect text book mom.  She didn't work outside of the home, she baked, and I am sure she has more than one apron.   Will her sons now be searching their whole lives for the perfect "Leave it to Beaver" mom, as they model their spousal choice after her? There isn't anything wrong with that, but surely there are other characteristics that she could have brought to the table for their and more importantly her benefit.

Who will she be now that her kids are gone?  She didn't just pause her own life, she stopped it dead in its' tracks.  Guilted into believing that taking personal time was a mommy failure.  Well I've got news for you...it's not.  I constantly rip myself apart with guilt for being a career woman and mom.  I never feel I give either pursuit my full attention, and how could I?  Both are full time jobs.  I lamented to a friend about this constant guilt once and she replied in her patient and eloquent way, "You are such a loser!"  She reminded me about how great my family is, how successful I am in business. "You've got great, well adjusted kids.  Your business is rocking.  What's your problem?" she asked more loudly than I had expected.

The problem is we often try to live up to some external script that we or society has created:  "If you do X then you are a good mom.  If you do Y, your children will be axe murderers."  (having murderous children is the great mommy fear).   I've learned that when raising children, you have to write your own script.  At baby showers, they have that game where everyone writes some sage mommy advice on a piece of paper, that is later made into a handy how-to guide for the mom-to-be.  Guess what I write?  "Don't listen to anyone elses' advice, do what works for you." 

Unlike my fully vested mom friend, I have not given up all of myself for my kids.  My husband and I have gone on trips without them (whenever friggen' possible), we take individual trips too, me with my friends, he with his.  As they get older, I have started to find time to work out more regularly, write some and I may even get back to painting.  I am spending more time with friends and took up golf and joined a bowling league (that might freak them out a bit).  The goal is to do all this without feeling guilty, and making it okay to put some of these things at the top of the priority list.  I've read that teaching children that you need you time, teaches them that they can ask for that too.

Is Divorce Contagious?

Image by Chavezonico.

I had fully intended to blog the last couple of weeks, and had actually gone so far as to go to the cozy local coffee shop, get my laptop unpacked, order a chai, and written a catchy title, when a good friend walked in the door.  She is currently three quarters of the way through a divorce, and it is my chick-friend duty, to offer my listening ears and compassion towards the struggle she finds herself in right now.  This has happened each of the last two weeks I have tried to blog, and as I sit here sucessfully blogging, in the same coffee shop, I half expect her to walk in the door. 

Once we began to chat, I closed my computer, blog left undone, and listened.  These conversations stretched towards two hours as she opened up about her heart-break, anger and growing frustration, at a process she never dreamed she would find herself in.  As is the case in many divorces, as the process goes forward, the nastiness accelerates.   Each other's actions appear to be solely about the victory, undermined by a  refusal to compromise, displaying a spitefulness, fueled by years of pent-up resentment.   She no longer recognizes the man she had spent almost 20 years of her life with, as he exerts a mystifying amount of control and exhibits a loathing towards her that she had never felt was possible.  Buried in the middle of the onslaught, she is unable to see her future, towards the other side of it, and the possibility that her life might end up in a better place.  The loss of her family and the life that she had built was still a raw wound, seeping grief with every new attack.

I offered what I could in the form of supporting words, asking questions that she had been struggling to understand herself.  "Why is he so angry?" I asked.  Her ex seems to have forgotten all about their children, wanting none of the responsibility, but all of the decision making power about their futures and welfare.  She feels trapped, unable to make a single decision for fear that his new "no" mantra will always and forever control her life.  I selfishly drink it in, as if I am at a "How To" seminar for saving my own marriage and preventing myself from going down the road of, what by all accounts, is a hellacious divorce process.  As the recently spurned bachelor told his bachelorette, after being mortifyingly rejected in front of millions of pathetic television viewers like myself, "All things that end, end badly, otherwise they wouldn't end".  No shit Sherlock, but poignant none-the-less.

I find myself surrounded these days by divorcing friends or friends of friends.    I tell my husband, I will know that he absolutely hates my each and every last gut if he ever decides to divorce me.   Gosh, it really makes his numerous, annoying habits seem much less of a big deal when I imagine the torture of trying to extract one's self from a marriage.

One thing my friend shared that has stuck with me, was that she believed a close friend of her soon-to-be ex husband, who himself had recently divorced, may have been the catalyst that pushed him to leave.   "Things weren't perfect," she admited, "but he decided to leave right after having spent a weekend with this friend".  She even admitted to having read that divorces can be facilitated by other divorced friends.  Interestingly, I had witnessed a series of divorces that had fit that very possibility.  There were three couples, all friends, I think, through the men primarily.  The first couple called it quits when the husband got cozy with another woman. When the first couple divorced, the actions of the cheater were vehemently chastised by the two other couples, particularly the men in those relationships.  Each of the spouses bragged about the strength of their own marriages and criticized the weakness of their friend.  Within four years, however, all three of the couples were divorced, each of the men involved with new women.

Could this be possible?  Was the mere exposure to a friend getting divorced enough incentive to end one's own marriage?  Did it break down the social stigma, often associated with divorce, enough to make it easier to walk away?  If he is doing it, why shouldn't I?  I started to get worried, as my husband's new BFF is a recent divorcee, living the single high-life, whilst my husband endures my relentless bitchiness!  Should I mandate they stay away from each other, lest my own marriage fall apart?

In fact, this phenomenon has actually been studied.  According to a Harvard/Brown and  University of California study entitled "Breaking up is Hard to do, Unless Everybody Else is Doing it", the chances that your marriage will end if a close friend gets divorced first, increases by 75%!  This is no pansy study either.  Their data included more than 12,000 marriages to date.   They found that both men and women in the marriage were equally likely to divorce if their buddies did too.  The more mutual friends a relationship had, decreased the risk as did the number of children, although relationships with children did not show a lower risk rate.   I guess staying together for the kids isn't as big a deal as following our social network's decisions.

Ultimately, they partially explain these results as being related to a reduction in the stigma associated with a failed marriage, which makes it easier and easier to walk away.  Like, for example, if your friend got a tattoo, you could totally get one because, well, it doesn't mean you're a dirt bag anymore.  Does this seem completely pathetic to anyone else besides me?  I openly detest peer pressure driven decisions.   I can imagine the soul searching conversation her near-ex had with his buddy: "Do you really think it is okay if I leave my wife?".  His wisely sage answer may have sounded a little like: "Hell ya, she's a bitch and life is way better being single!  We could hit the bars and sleep with a different hottie every night!"   Hey, jackass, I've got an idea, how about sucking it up and putting your narcissistic-hat away for a moment.  Find the balls to stick it out long enough to give your children what you promised them when you decided to bring them into this world, you selfish, fucking, bastard....oh my...pardon me... my emotions got the best of me for a moment...

I wonder if these sad little sheep, ever wake up one morning and realize that they blew it?  I mean completely fucked it up.   Is waking up alone every morning, with someone else raising your kids, really sound better than, making it work?  Or is doing some "strange" better than your kids jumping in your bed in the morning...every morning?  Oh sure, some marriages just plane suck and never should have happened in the first place....but seriously, are we that weak minded that we can be so easily influenced away from our marriages?  I got news for ya' guys...after a few years all pussies are boring and all women become bitches.   Those new relationships will have problems too.  I mean, men cheat on Halle Berry and Demi Moore, and you don't get much hotter than that!  Better the poison you know, right?

I have faith that my husband is the antithesis to the passive follower.  Like yesterday for example, he was putting the dishes away, and put one in the wrong cupboard.  Helpfully, I directed him as to the correct location of said dish.  He looked at me, smiled and said "Okay", making no effort what-so-ever to correct his error in dish placement.    In fact, the dish is still in the wrong cupboard today. That's how un-influencable he is!  Amazing, right?  I admit to being overly cautious with many things in my life, and just in case, I am going to ban his new BFF from his life.  You know, just to be on the safe side.  In addition, I think I will start shopping around for a new, happily married BFF for him to hang with.

Blog in Brief: Kids Are Bad Bosses

Photo by Jontintinjordan.

I have to give credit to the inspiration for this blog in brief to my sister.  As you may recall, she is the subject of "Motherhood Sucks" and "Go The $%#@ to Sleep".  She is still in the midst of toddler-dom, and has very little control over her own identity right now.  The transition from a fast paced, successful, corporate, career woman to never ending, mind numbing games of peek-a-boo and the torment of potty training, can be hard on one's psyche.  Yes, yes, for you cinderellas out there, parenting is a beautiful and rewarding experience, but you have to admit, sometimes you would rather be anywhere else on the face of our wondrous planet, than changing a poopy diaper at three in the morning.  Can I get an AMEN!

In a sleep deprived moment of creative humor, my sister began comparing her new role as "mom" to her previous role as corporate executive.  Her children became her "boss" and she their "employee".  She developed a list of questions with which to evaluate her bosses' performance.


1.  Have you been working on the same project for four years with no possible end in sight?


2.  Does your boss scream at you, hit you, bite you, pee and poop on you, your belongings and all of your work?


3.  Does your boss disagree with absolutely everything you say, only to acquiesce at a later time?


4.  Does you boss change the requirements of your job every 30 seconds?


5.  Do you have to wipe your boss's ass several times per day?


6.  Does your boss and all of your colleagues randomly mess with your schedule or rearrange your desk and all of your supplies on a regular basis?


7.  When you go out to lunch with your boss, does he throw food at you and all of your utensils and napkins on the floor?

8.  Does you boss demand that your remain on call 24 hours a day and prefer to assign special projects between 1:00 am and 5:00 am?

9.  If you try to leave your boss alone for a moment, does he immediately begin to cry?

10.  During important phone conversations, does your boss constantly scream and interupt you, only to become quiet when you get off of the phone?

If you answered yes to any one of these questions, you are either in a toxic employer/employee relationship or simply, a parent.

Blog in Brief (No Pun Intended): Penis Envy

Photo by Midorisyu.

I noticed lately that some of my more popular blogs are about penises.  That got me to thinking that maybe I should write more blogs about penises, you know, to keep my audience interested.  What more could I possibly write about penises?  I have written about their size and how we can ball park how big their mysterious members might be by observing hand proportions (see "Man Hands").  I have blogged about blowing said schlong-age.  What other appealing dong topics are out there?

I must delve into the realm of penis-hood as thoroughly as I have the art of pubic hair coiffing. For example, I could write about penis enlargement or erectile dysfunction.  Viagra might be interesting to explore.  Penis piercing, erection control, morning woodies, pee hard ons, blue balls, thinking-with-your-dick, premature ejaculation, etc. are all viable topics.  How about a comparison of men's undies all the way to the wild and suspicious, free-baller?  Banana hammocks?  The male thong?  Shrinkage!!

There is a veritable pot pourri of penile topicals!  Nobody talks about these things, but I know we want to!   Alas, we girls must admit to our secret curiosity of all things prickish!   I mean how does it feel to have a  penis?  Does it bounce when you run?  Is it often caught in zippers?  It sticks out after all, not neatly tucked away like our girly bits.  Can you sit on your balls funny and pinch them?  Does that hurt?  Do you play with your own balls when you masturbate or is that a waste of time? ( I feel like it is a waste of time.)

If only men would talk more about their weeni!  Every time I ask my husband these questions, he cringes and turns on the golf channel.  Seriously, how am I supposed to become an expert penis handler without some type of feedback or education? Could men offer us a class, "Penis 101" perhaps?  Lord knows we would willingly host the complimentary class, "Clitoral ABCs".

Perhaps I could share famous penis limericks or songs?  Such as "There Once Was a Man From Nantucket" or " Do Your Balls Hang Low?".  I am pretty sure there are no vagina songs.  Hard to rhyme much with vagina.  (Angina, Aunt Jemimah, etc. So not funny.).

I shall ponder said topic, and see what else we can learn about this fascinating appendage.  Just the foreshadowing (foreplay?) of these topics to come, should keep you mildly curious...

Female Frenemies: Why Are Chicks So Bitchy?

Photo by studiostoer.

My nine year old daughter has just started fourth grade.  It didn't take long for the social dynamics in her class to get ramped up and I found myself  reluctantly welcoming her, to the complex dynamic of female friendships.  Her recent trials have brought back my own vivid memories from my fourth grade friendship experiences.  I can recall in painful detail the uncertainty of these relationships, I would arrive to school in the morning uncertain if my gal pals and I were friends today or enemies.  Sadly, I acknowledge that she has now entered the rabid wilderness of chick dynamics and joined the never ending hunt for the elusive BFF.

During our end of the day, routine, "How was your day?" discussion, she revealed to me that her former I-Love-You-Forever-You-Are-My-Best-Friend, friend, was ignoring her.  To make matters worse she was recruiting two other common friends to her newly formed clique, gossiping and whispering, manipulating them into joining her in the "We-Aren't-Friends-With-You-Anymore!" isolation squad.  Her poor little heart was broken, but she put up a tough front, telling me it didn't matter.  "So who do you play with?", I asked, terrified that she had sat weeping and alone in the furthest corner of the playground during recess.  "With my brother", she replied.   Well at least she has her first grade brother to fall back on....

My instant mommy protectionism kicked in and I was ready to wreak havoc upon her school yard!  My heart ached for her, and everything inside me wanted to make it all better.  How could I save her from all of the angst I knew she was destined to experience?  Women are bitches and they scare me!  How could I teach her what I have failed to figure out in all of my 42 years?

 I offered to talk to this girl's mother or to her teacher.  She was mortified, and begged me not to interfere.  "How about if I come to your soccer practice this evening?', I suggested.  "No mom no!  Please don't come.  You'll embarrass me!", she begged.  I was a little hurt that having me there as moral support was worse than the ostracizing she was feeling at the hands of her "friends".  Her hurt from being spurned had even made her beg to be able to quit soccer, something that until recently she had absolutely loved.  "The girls are mean there!", she shared as she pleaded her case to be able to quit.

It turns out that fourth grade is often a child's first experience with the more challenging dynamics of peer relationships as the emerging desire to be considered popular becomes all important.  In "Your 4th Grader's Social Life", on education.com, author Rose Garrett, writes that this is a time when"social hierarchies form: as children vie to be perceived as “all that,” they negotiate a complicated structure of values, prejudices, and social pitfalls."  Children begin to classify their peers into various groups and the levels of popularity begin to form. 

My own experiences and observations show me that the meanest girls will often rise to the top of the social ladder.  More passive classmates are easily swayed to join the vendetta of the moment, lest they become the object of loathing.  Although I am immensely proud of the fact that my daughter in neither mean enough to initiate an isolation campaign nor passive enough to blindly fall into line with one, I realize that this will inevitably result in her to being on the outside of these popularity driven episodes more often than other girls might find themselves.  Ironically, the more aggressive girls are often driven by insecurity.  I noted this as I watched her ex-BFF order around her posse, making sure she was never alone.  I think her biggest pet peeve with my daughter is that she will not tow the line and follow orders, her method of asserting her own perceived superiority.

Ms. Garrett shares that  "now is the time for increased parental involvement, especially if your child is being excluded, teased, or bullied."  She advises that you should "ask your child about how things are going at school, but ask others, too. Talk to your child's teacher or guidance counselor to get the inside scoop on your child's peer relationships."  This empowered me to contact my daughter's teacher, who has a wealth of experience with this very topic.  I am lucky to have her as a resource as she effectively, yet covertly manages these episodes.  That very afternoon in fact, my daughter and her ex-BFF were speaking again and one of her cronies was begging for a sleep over.  I sense that the water between these two, who seem for some reason embattled in a bitter war for top-dog status, will remain tepid at best, and the waves of friendship will be volatile for years to come.

I am hanging out at soccer practice more as well.  Some experts agree that children are less "victimized" when the adults in their lives show active involvement.  I just think other kids are terrified of adults.  I used this power as I kindly introduced myself to all of the new girls, making lots of meaningful eye contact and I am making an active effort to get to know their parents.  The first practice I attended was dramatically different than the prior ones, according to my daughter, who now happily invites me to attend.

With more observation, I admit I am no longer as eager to smooth over the tension with her ex-BFF as I realize that in all likelihood she will never be the kind of friend my daughter deserves.  Therese Borchard, associate editor for physchcentral.com, describes the 10 types of female friends, and classifies her ex-BFF as a User or Frenemy.  Someone whose intentions are calculated, manipulative and designed for personal gain.  These individuals are described as charismatic and appealing and often the gate keeper to your social popularity, but their friendships are less meaningful.  Strong desires to fit in however, make it hard to resist the allure of being part of her crowd.  Being on the outside of it, can often be worse.

My hope for her is that she will learn to love, as I have, the Authentic Friend described by the author as " the one we are in search for, a woman who has a high tolerance for her friend’s entanglements and is deeply committed to the relationship. This relationship makes it worth all the ups and downs inherent in female friendship, and operates on mutual self-esteem, care, and flexibility. This is the friend who reinvents her role and adapts as friendships alter with time; she also remains steadfast with the patterns that have succeeded over the years."  Ahh, does that sound good.  Thankfully, I have a few of those myself.

Don't Forget to Pick up the Kids!

Photo by J_O_I_D

I called my husband the "R" word yesterday...in my day kids said that to each other all the time.   Pardon my political in-correctness, but no other descriptive was appropriate in this instance.  Apart from the medical definition of the "R" word, we used it to describe people that demonstrated blatant, repeated,  idiocy.  This describes my husband perfectly, specifically, as it relates to his apparent limited mental capacity towards recalling vital and routine family details.

In this instance, he was attempting to schedule the return of our housekeeper (Hooray!) and was unable to recall what days of the week I work.  I have only been following this schedule for the last 6 years!  Okay, I exaggerate, but it has been a long time, and he still can't keep it in his head! Despite a carefully orchestrated dance of who has the kids which morning or who collects the kids after school from the bus, choreographed around my work schedule, he cannot remember if I work Monday or Tuesday.

I feel like an incessant micro manager.  If he is supposed to pick up the kids, take them to soccer or to a doctor's appointment, I act like his secretary and call him to remind him of his obligations; time, place, what he needs to bring etc.  I fear if I do not, he will forget our children somewhere, and social services will remove them from our home.  I am not exaggerating here, he has forgotten our children, twice.  Once they walked from school to a frequent baby sitter's house, a roughly two mile trip, along the busiest highway in town.  Apparently, concerned parents leaving the school, and seeing the eight and six year old,  inappropriately alone along this stretch of highway, offered to drive them home.  The other time was after soccer practice.  He thought someone else was picking them up, and left them at the soccer field.  Our being-forgotten experienced children walked alone, again, to their baby sitter's safe house.  My children now have stepped up to micromanaging him too, lest they be abandoned again.

I have begun to doubt his mental fortitude and fear he may have early onset dementia.  Why the hell can't he remember this stuff?  I bitterly ponder his lack of concern and investment in our family and the lives of our children.  Why can't he remember what days the kids have soccer practice? Or, what time their doctor's appointment is?  Isn't it important to him?

I am happy to announce, I think that I have finally found an answer to his "checking out" of the details of our lives!  He doesn't have to remember it all, because I do!  According to Daniel Wegner, a Harvard University psychology professor, this phenomenon is called "Transactive Memory".   In essence, in relationships or groups, we don't have to remember every detail important to the group, because we can rely on other members of the group to remember some of them for us.  We focus instead on recalling who has that information or where we can find it when we need it, rather than on the information itself.  Memory distribution within a relationship happens often without us being aware of it and seems to follow stereotypical gender roles.

Suzanne Phillips, psychologist and professor at Long Island University, describes that this relational memory system constantly evolves. As the needs of the relationship change or when a partner demonstrates increased skill in a new area, eg.  booking online vacations,  that partner is assigned that role in the relationship, and their spouse then relies on them to manage and recall those details.  In her article "Transactive Memory for Couples", on Psychcentral.com, she discusses the exceptional benefits this expanded memory access can provide and the potential inter relational conflicts it can cause if the system gets out of balance.

She writes, "...each partner enjoys the benefits of the pair’s memory while only having to assume responsibility for certain categories. In this non-stop multi-task culture with an expectation of answers in seconds and decisions in minutes, a partner with whom you build a shared memory bank is a valuable thing."  Aha!  I get it!  My husband isn't the "R" word, I have just been assigned the group memory tasks for soccer practice and my work schedule!  I'm not micromanaging, I am merely sharing my memory with him, when I realize he needs it!  The problem for me, is that I think I have been assigned too much remembering responsibility.  Dr. Phillips acknowledges that discontent can arise when the "distribution of shared information and the responsibility attached to it" is unfair. 

At other times, Dr. Phillip writes, trouble arises when one partner uses their partner's failure to recall something that they are usually responsible for to belittle or disrespect them.  I admit, I have challenged my husband's intellect with such slams as, "I bet you don't even know what size clothing your children wear!"  Ouch!  In reality, he doesn't have to pay attention to that, because I know it.

As I sit here, I am wracking my brain to recall what vital information he remembers on behalf of our relationship.  I admit, I am having trouble coming up with much of a list.   He has certain bills that he pays and I have mine.  He takes out the garbage, but often forgets to do that.  He knows where the snow tires are stored and who to call to mow our lawn when we are out of town.  I guess that is something.  At least I know who to talk to when it starts snowing. (Oops, there I go, belittling him again!)

As our "memory system" evolves, it may be that we set ourselves up for inequality in group memory tasks, by demonstrating proficiency at or believing other members of the group (a.k.a my husband) are less capable at keeping track of certain details than we are.  As a result, I take on the lion's share of our household details, while he is free to let them go, and simply come to me when he needs the information.  I then grow to resent the very inequality I have created!

In her article, Dr. Phillips, describes another area of potential conflict when both partners have assigned themselves the same information based upon their sense of increased competence with it and  argue as to who is more capable of disseminating it.  In her example, she describes both couples feeling that they are better at cooking than the other, and fighting over whose information is right or mo' better.   These types of conflicts, she describes, lead to modifications of the couple's mutual memory system.  My husband and I have this problem often, such as with his superior knowledge about the exact way a dishwasher should be loaded.  In response, I have modified my "dishwasher" loading memory banks, handing over this vital detail of our daily lives to him.  (Mostly because I don't give a shit how the dishwasher is loaded!)

I suppose moving forward, I need to re-evaluate the equality of memory items in our relationship and work diligently to transfer some of these over to him.  This will involve a lot of self awareness.  I need to let some things go...things that I have judged him to be incompetent at, such as grocery shopping or  remembering to pick up our kids.  At times I feel like I act as his "back-up memory" for tasks he is supposed to be responsible for, but that I don't trust he is truly on top of.  This cycle just leads to him letting go of more details that I absorb.  That is the crux of micromanaging or as my hubby refers to it "Nagging".

I am tempted to suddenly demonstrate incompetence with some of my memory responsibilities.  Perhaps this will alarm him enough to believe he should assume them instead.  I would try this if I didn't think the welfare of my kids would be in jeopardy.  For example, maybe I won't pick the kids up tonight or forget to sign their next permission slip.  Or maybe, I could falsly pump him up with his superior knowledge of clothes shopping for our kids.  This memory balance thing is obviously a continuous work in progress and I realize I am going to have to let some things go.