Don't Forget to Pick up the Kids!

Photo by J_O_I_D

I called my husband the "R" word yesterday...in my day kids said that to each other all the time.   Pardon my political in-correctness, but no other descriptive was appropriate in this instance.  Apart from the medical definition of the "R" word, we used it to describe people that demonstrated blatant, repeated,  idiocy.  This describes my husband perfectly, specifically, as it relates to his apparent limited mental capacity towards recalling vital and routine family details.

In this instance, he was attempting to schedule the return of our housekeeper (Hooray!) and was unable to recall what days of the week I work.  I have only been following this schedule for the last 6 years!  Okay, I exaggerate, but it has been a long time, and he still can't keep it in his head! Despite a carefully orchestrated dance of who has the kids which morning or who collects the kids after school from the bus, choreographed around my work schedule, he cannot remember if I work Monday or Tuesday.

I feel like an incessant micro manager.  If he is supposed to pick up the kids, take them to soccer or to a doctor's appointment, I act like his secretary and call him to remind him of his obligations; time, place, what he needs to bring etc.  I fear if I do not, he will forget our children somewhere, and social services will remove them from our home.  I am not exaggerating here, he has forgotten our children, twice.  Once they walked from school to a frequent baby sitter's house, a roughly two mile trip, along the busiest highway in town.  Apparently, concerned parents leaving the school, and seeing the eight and six year old,  inappropriately alone along this stretch of highway, offered to drive them home.  The other time was after soccer practice.  He thought someone else was picking them up, and left them at the soccer field.  Our being-forgotten experienced children walked alone, again, to their baby sitter's safe house.  My children now have stepped up to micromanaging him too, lest they be abandoned again.

I have begun to doubt his mental fortitude and fear he may have early onset dementia.  Why the hell can't he remember this stuff?  I bitterly ponder his lack of concern and investment in our family and the lives of our children.  Why can't he remember what days the kids have soccer practice? Or, what time their doctor's appointment is?  Isn't it important to him?

I am happy to announce, I think that I have finally found an answer to his "checking out" of the details of our lives!  He doesn't have to remember it all, because I do!  According to Daniel Wegner, a Harvard University psychology professor, this phenomenon is called "Transactive Memory".   In essence, in relationships or groups, we don't have to remember every detail important to the group, because we can rely on other members of the group to remember some of them for us.  We focus instead on recalling who has that information or where we can find it when we need it, rather than on the information itself.  Memory distribution within a relationship happens often without us being aware of it and seems to follow stereotypical gender roles.

Suzanne Phillips, psychologist and professor at Long Island University, describes that this relational memory system constantly evolves. As the needs of the relationship change or when a partner demonstrates increased skill in a new area, eg.  booking online vacations,  that partner is assigned that role in the relationship, and their spouse then relies on them to manage and recall those details.  In her article "Transactive Memory for Couples", on Psychcentral.com, she discusses the exceptional benefits this expanded memory access can provide and the potential inter relational conflicts it can cause if the system gets out of balance.

She writes, "...each partner enjoys the benefits of the pair’s memory while only having to assume responsibility for certain categories. In this non-stop multi-task culture with an expectation of answers in seconds and decisions in minutes, a partner with whom you build a shared memory bank is a valuable thing."  Aha!  I get it!  My husband isn't the "R" word, I have just been assigned the group memory tasks for soccer practice and my work schedule!  I'm not micromanaging, I am merely sharing my memory with him, when I realize he needs it!  The problem for me, is that I think I have been assigned too much remembering responsibility.  Dr. Phillips acknowledges that discontent can arise when the "distribution of shared information and the responsibility attached to it" is unfair. 

At other times, Dr. Phillip writes, trouble arises when one partner uses their partner's failure to recall something that they are usually responsible for to belittle or disrespect them.  I admit, I have challenged my husband's intellect with such slams as, "I bet you don't even know what size clothing your children wear!"  Ouch!  In reality, he doesn't have to pay attention to that, because I know it.

As I sit here, I am wracking my brain to recall what vital information he remembers on behalf of our relationship.  I admit, I am having trouble coming up with much of a list.   He has certain bills that he pays and I have mine.  He takes out the garbage, but often forgets to do that.  He knows where the snow tires are stored and who to call to mow our lawn when we are out of town.  I guess that is something.  At least I know who to talk to when it starts snowing. (Oops, there I go, belittling him again!)

As our "memory system" evolves, it may be that we set ourselves up for inequality in group memory tasks, by demonstrating proficiency at or believing other members of the group (a.k.a my husband) are less capable at keeping track of certain details than we are.  As a result, I take on the lion's share of our household details, while he is free to let them go, and simply come to me when he needs the information.  I then grow to resent the very inequality I have created!

In her article, Dr. Phillips, describes another area of potential conflict when both partners have assigned themselves the same information based upon their sense of increased competence with it and  argue as to who is more capable of disseminating it.  In her example, she describes both couples feeling that they are better at cooking than the other, and fighting over whose information is right or mo' better.   These types of conflicts, she describes, lead to modifications of the couple's mutual memory system.  My husband and I have this problem often, such as with his superior knowledge about the exact way a dishwasher should be loaded.  In response, I have modified my "dishwasher" loading memory banks, handing over this vital detail of our daily lives to him.  (Mostly because I don't give a shit how the dishwasher is loaded!)

I suppose moving forward, I need to re-evaluate the equality of memory items in our relationship and work diligently to transfer some of these over to him.  This will involve a lot of self awareness.  I need to let some things go...things that I have judged him to be incompetent at, such as grocery shopping or  remembering to pick up our kids.  At times I feel like I act as his "back-up memory" for tasks he is supposed to be responsible for, but that I don't trust he is truly on top of.  This cycle just leads to him letting go of more details that I absorb.  That is the crux of micromanaging or as my hubby refers to it "Nagging".

I am tempted to suddenly demonstrate incompetence with some of my memory responsibilities.  Perhaps this will alarm him enough to believe he should assume them instead.  I would try this if I didn't think the welfare of my kids would be in jeopardy.  For example, maybe I won't pick the kids up tonight or forget to sign their next permission slip.  Or maybe, I could falsly pump him up with his superior knowledge of clothes shopping for our kids.  This memory balance thing is obviously a continuous work in progress and I realize I am going to have to let some things go.