Look at the Jugs on Her!

Photo by Earls37a

Men look at other women.  Apparently, they can't help it.  This according to Luanne Brizendine, author of both "The Male Brain" and "The Female Brain".  With extensive study, she concludes that men are virtually helpless when it comes to checking out breasts.  Like the dog in the movie "Up" who becomes easily distracted.... "Squirrel!!"..., men are unable to resist staring at women's hoots.  Perhaps you've seen it before...the blatant stare, without apparent effort to disguise it, as it follows the female of interest across the room.

I have a couple of problems with this.  Firstly, I am aging my way out of the "having-my-breasts-stared-at" category.  I am a little less interesting to the passing male.  It's like they screen your face, recognize your age, and move on to more appealing visual targets.  Being checked out, as a women, reaffirms our attractiveness, which, whether you admit it or not, is important in defining how we see ourselves and intimately connected to our self esteem.  I have become therefore, more reliant on my spouse to reaffirm that for me.  After year upon year with the same mate, reacting to their attractiveness becomes vastly desensitized.  Less and less is novel or exciting.  For example, whence I emerge dripping and naked from the shower my husband barely looks up.  

The second issue I have with this, is that witnessing my husband easily muster the energy to check out another women, reaffirms his "old news" attitude towards me.  I literally begin to feel like chopped liver and modestly invisible.  Knowing that it is inherent in his nature to behave this way, does nothing to reduce the slight that I feel.  Who else should I be seeking out to fulfill this need of mine to feel attractive...to somebody...anybody?  His wandering eye is all I have.  If I didn't have him leashed by our wedding vows, I would half expect him to pounce on random women.

Apparently, when I was pregnant and our kids were small, I released a pheromone that reduced his testosterone levels by as much as 30%, temporarily reducing his eye-to-breast reflex.  This likely has something to do with survival of the species, keeping him around long enough to insure that his offspring survive, and preventing other males from entering the picture.  Our kids are growing up and his testosterone levels along with them.  I wonder if you can buy that shit in a diffuser at Bed Bath and Beyond?

From a strictly physiological standpoint, you can really only count on holding a man's interest, long enough to mate (up to 18 months of hormonal love cocktail in a new relationship) and then from pregnancy to your children's age of say, five, to insure survival.  I give it 7-10 years (18 months, plus 9 months pregnancy, plus five years to clear the kid survivability index, plus 3 more years if you have a second child).  Ever heard of the seven year itch?  One strategy for keeping your man interested and hormonally depressed would be to pump out numerous children.  Perhaps Brad left Jennifer because they never had children, and Angelina got the memo and thus keeps having kids... Look at Halle Berry...no kids, two divorces and infidelity and she is MEGA hot.

After child bearing is past, what keeps men in relationships?  Biochemically, their drive for monogamy is vastly reduced, whereas their drive towards novel women is intensifying.  All this while their spouses fertility signals are decreasing and his interest in her is waning through natural desensitization.   One of the most unfair things in nature, is that men age better than women, or at the very least, their aging is more accepted.  Women are attracted to older men while you rarely observe that occurring the other way around.   My husbands options for partners are much broader than mine.

Some examples of things that a man needs to stay committed to a marriage, even after his biochemistry would tend to release him from his connection to his spouse, include:

1.  Bromance:  According to a Cornell University study, men need to have close connections with buddies, outside of the couple friend network.
2.  Friendship:  Being best friends with your spouse increases relational longevity.  How long can you maintain friendships v. how long does the average marriage last?  'Nough said.
3.  Financial Stress:  Not always, but with the Great Recession, more than 29% of married couple report that they have increased their commitment to their marriages, according to a Virginia University study entitled "The Great Recession and Marriage".
4.  Longevity:  Married men live longer than their single counterparts. ( Perhaps ex-wives kill their husbands?)
5.  Sharing Goals:  Marriage becomes like a business partnership, as you work together towards common goals.

Marriages evolve over time, and so should our expectations of them.  My marital dynamics range from barely being able to stand his presence in the same room with me to deep, connected love for him (the latter, more than the former...most of the time) with the certainty that there is no one more suited to me than him.  If he could work up the energy to look up at my nakedness each time I pranced around in front of him, that could get very distracting, after all I do that every day, and have for the last 12 years or so....4,380 days to be exact.  The same who-ha visualized that many times, has an uphill battle for generating any degree of novelty. 

Acceptance of this biological handicap of his is one thing I can manage.  Rules need to be established however.  I would prefer that he work on his mammary stares, such that they are more subtle.  Secondly, as much as we are BFFs, I would prefer that he save such comments as "Whoa, look at the rack on her!" or "Nice view!" or "She would definitely be my hall-pass choice!", for his bromance time.   My fragile self image can't endure that much sharing.  I, at the same time, must seek out other ways to define myself, relying less on external influences, and more on internal ones.