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| I'll give you a daisy a day, my love. Photo by Don Sutherland |
My Son
Almost twelve years ago I lost my mom. Sadly, this anniversary is aligned with my daughter's birthday. She died weeks before I was to become a mom myself. It was sudden and tragic. She was 52. It took the wind out of my life and left me heartbroken. She was my best friend. Her presence, near or far, was felt within me, like my own breath. She was wrapped around my soul- my first thought in heartbreak and my first thought in joy. Her love and belief in me, fortified me. I was stronger in all things with her at my side. She was part of me. And if you know anything about moms, it won't surprise you to learn, that after all of these years without her, she still is.
Sometimes, I embrace the grief of losing her. I can let it in a little at a time and allow myself to feel the pain of the emptiness, the scar of her loss. My thoughts have turned from sadness, slowly over time, to warm gratitude for all that she gave me. I still wish for the impossible gift of one more moment with her. One more hug. A shared laugh. Silent togetherness.
Life moves forward after loss. Time like the tides of the ocean, keeps pushing us forward, oblivious to the obstacles and debris in our paths.
I find my mother in myself. In my laugh or expressions and it feels as if I glimpse her for a moment. She follows me in life and has become a guiding hand as I mother my own children. Her spirit is woven into me and now, into my children.
I understand her better now. Who I was to her. Who children are to a mother. And I realize that my love for her was matched in even measure. That as much as she was and is a part of me, I am that equal part of her.
The greatest loves I have known in my life are my mother and my children. No other piece of my life could be more physically connected to me, more necessary. Love in all of it's forms is the most blessed here, in mothering. It courses through me in waves, cresting in highs and crashing in lows. Through all of this, the love endures, and I grow stronger, more connected, more whole. Death and distance cannot weaken it.
Twelves years ago, I believed no other loss could be greater. No other pain so wretched as losing her. What in my life could ever hope to fill the space in me that was hers and heal me? I have found the answer now. My healing lives in the sweet words of my son and the laughing gift of my daughter. Their love and joy fill me with her presence. I experience her in these moments. We are both mothers. My life was this gift for her and her life, this most gracious gift to me.
Happy Mother's Day Mom.
