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| Photo by carbonNYC. |
Friends give us the courage to lift the blinds on our hearts-to open up and show what we generally keep hidden from the rest of the world. Unknown.
A necessary condition of being human is the need to have connections with others. In fact, being alive depends on belonging; belonging to family, belonging to friends, or belonging to community. Deep and stable connections have been shown to increase longevity and happiness. They add delight, anticipation and joy to our lives. On the other hand, isolation or exclusion lead to varying degrees of depression and in extreme situations, to madness. Despite the necessity of belonging, I cannot help but wonder, why these relationships are so often filled with drama, angst and heartache? Aren't we all looking for the same things in this life?
I have been chatting with a close friend recently about our experiences with friendships lost. For both of us, these relationships were and still are, highly valued, deep connections, within which we had developed intimacy of confidences and a soulful love nurtured by shared trust and vulnerability. Their loss is painful and perplexing. We find ourselves mourning their loss and seeking an answer to the question, why?
We cannot help but to take these losses personally. Lack of reciprocation is a blow to self-esteem. My friend finds herself ruminating over this loss and seeks out convincing words that might return the relationship to its' former place in her life. This space, now vacant, fills with longing and sadness. Emptiness creeps in and out of her awareness. A periodic reminder that someone she deeply cares for, no longer chooses to have her in their life. She is stuck in a mental loop of searching for possible explanations, none of which eases her pain or gives her solace. Like a bad break up, she can't move on without answers, without closure.
I tell her not take it personally, after all, we cannot control others' choices. This doesn't offer her much comfort, as only she knows the depth of their bond and what they have shared, solid evidence, for her, of the true nature of their friendship. Surely, she thinks, with all that they have shared, she cares for me just as I do for her? In anger she feels used, discarded, and now questions everything. Did it ever really mean anything? She holds herself back from reaching out. I warn her, what if there is no response?
I work hard at not taking these losses personally. I cannot know the state of another's heart or the path upon which they are travelling. Assuming that I am somehow at fault or unworthy in some way is an assumption that overestimates the clarity of my intuition. I believe instead, that each of us has a limit to our capacity for connecting. The more deeply we are connected with someone, the greater amount of our connecting space that relationship will require in order to nurture it. As we move through life, we add and subtract friendships in a way that keeps our connections in balance. When new relationships are developed, we redistribute our space, and some in our lives may find their part reduced or eliminated while others will see it grow.
Depending on where we are in our lives with work or family or any other myriad of things that call our attention and time, the degree of connectedness with each of our relationships will evolve. If you can find comfort in your new place, you will accept that your role in this person's life has changed. There will be times in the future where you will cross paths and your connection may reignite and you fall easily into the comforts and fondness you once shared. Does their fleeting nature make the friendships any less valuable? Does it have to be all or nothing? Should we grieve it's loss or instead, be grateful that we ever had this gift of belonging at all?
When a friendship fades away, choose instead to open yourself to the possibility that you now have more space to connect with another. This new connection may be just around the corner and have all of the potential to fill up the emptiness and leave you whole once again.
“Dreams are the royal road to the unconscious.”
― Sigmund Freud, The Interpretation of Dreams
I overslept this morning. I'd say it was worth it, had I been lost in some fantastical dream, but like most of my dreams, once conscious reality crept into my bleary brain, I was struck by it's raving lunacy. What the hell was that?! I thought to myself. Do other people dream stuff like that? What makes it more alarming to me, is that as these dreams unfold, they seem completely normal and rational and I engage in their occurring as if everything and anything were possible and reasonable.
In this particular dream, I was in possession of a rare and powerful plastic gem (the kind that sticks to cheap children's treasures) (In fact it had just popped off of one!). It's faceted redness was so powerful and magical, it was sought after by malevolent women who were trying to steal it for their own, evil purposes. They would ply me with questions, to try and trip me up, but I was wily and clever and would nary give away its' location.
It was up to me to conceal it, protect it from their thieving hands! After a quick visit with a professional, indoor-carpet football team (bantering like a college freshman), I dashed into my bathroom where inexplicably, I carried a plethora of vintage Johnson and Johnson products. I was desperately looking for the perfect place to hide it, somewhere these crazed maidens wouldn't think of looking.
I felt a sense of urgency as I knew they would be at the bathroom door any moment! I could not let them have this precious trinket, but everywhere I looked seemed too obvious a place to stash it. As I frantically sized up the contents of the room, my eyes settled upon the ideal hiding spot. I was certain they would not think of looking in here!
Dental floss! I grabbed the rectangular container and hastily thrust the "rock" inside. I was struggling to close it back up, frustrated by the really small connectors that kept bending when I tried to close it. I knew I must put it back together perfectly lest I give the jewel away! Finally, I was able to close the cover, but as I did, I began to ponder the immense power of the "stone". I understood at that moment, the limitless possibilities that I could enact were I to use these powers, now so brilliantly concealed in a common dental hygiene product!
In haste, I reached the case around behind me. I closed my eyes and conjured my most concentrated magical command! "FIX MY ASS!" I shouted boldly. A golden burst of stars surrounded me and my buttocks began to tingle. I felt an odd pressure and squeeze as the magic began to transform my formerly lackluster gluteals, into Victoria Secret worthy plump-awesomeness! I stopped for a moment, forgetting the mayhem of the hunt, to check out my new ass in the bathroom mirror...Not bad!, I thought, admiring the results.
Just then, there was a thud at the bathroom door, as the jewel hungry banditas arrived to take my ass-fixing prize. No! I cried in my head. I threw my body against the door. There were too many of them! I panicked, crying out for help, hoping the football team that was sitting in the room just beyond, would come to my aid! An arm pressed through the growing opening of the door and in that moment, I knew that all hope was lost! As the women came crashing into the room, I awoke, and the dental floss fell to the floor...
I tried to describe this dream to my husband. "All the power in the world and you fix your ass?, he asked incredulously, "Way to take care of the priorities!"
Like most dreams I have, they are often pure insanity. My husband listens distractedly, knowing that nothing I am about to say will make any sense or have any meaning. They are incredibly vivid and I often remember them in great detail. They are so vivid in fact, that for many moments upon waking, I often have trouble discerning what is real and what was dream. This is surely an issue when I dream of my husbands infidelities which are usually accompanied by a nasty divorce. On those days, I stare at him angrily throughout the day, harboring anger and resentment for acts my subconscious mind has fabricated. That bastard!
There are some perks to such dreams, including ones that involve highly passionate, illicit affairs with random movie stars or acquaintances. Often, I fight waking, hoping to draw out the pleasure of these dreams. It seldom works, but does provide valuable fantasy fodder for later use.
I have tried to analyze these dreams, like the one I had about murdering a boyfriend whom I was dating at the time, many years ago. In this dream, I had tied him to a chair and ruthlessly force-fed him rancid spaghetti until he died. (totally true) The meaning of that one was pretty clear to me, and I ended the relationship shortly thereafter. I wonder though, do our dreams really tell us things? Take my dream this morning for example, could it be as simple as me hating my ass?
According to Your Amazing Brain, each of us dreams up to five times a night and we only remember a dream if we wake up in the middle of it. Other research suggests that we are dreaming constantly while we sleep. Some psychologists believe that dreams serve to distract the ever active brain enough to allow it to sleep, a way to keep it busy if you will. Other alternative practitioners suggest that dreams can be interpreted for deeper meaning, acting as predictors of your future or offering insights into your life known only by your subconscious. The dream interpreting website Dream Moods, provides a dictionary of dream topics and their accompanying meaning.
The chasing component of this morning's dream suggests stress, anxiety or avoidance in my waking life. Ass transformation was not available in the dictionary. Dreaming of your buttocks is however, and suggests that there is insecurity and reveals situational struggle. Perhaps this dream was really just about ass anxiety? Interestingly, were someone kissing my buttock in the dream, that would mean someone in my life was not being genuine (aka. an ass kisser, DUH!).
The assignment of meaning does seem to be arbitrary, but is surprisingly detailed. Some people make their living unveiling the hidden meaning in other's dreams. For me, I was pretty stressed yesterday about an ongoing issue, and the chasing might be a reflection of that. The football players in the dream were much younger, and one of them had commented, that it was too bad I didn't have a better ass, which may parallel some insecurities I have regarding my middle aged status.
I even look at the dreams I have about my husband being a heartless cheater as signs of our "meant to be-edness" as in them, I fight desperately to stay together. I suppose no one will ever know the full extent of meaning or function of our dreams. Researchers in Japan however, have recently developed a "Dream Reading Machine". Using MRI technology and an immense database algorithm, they were able to predict dream content in three subjects with 60% accuracy!
To be on the safe side, I am going to up my buttock toning exercise regimen and take care of the perpetual stressor that has led to my increased anxiety. Tonight I will try something new and place framed photos of Ryan Gosling next to my pillow so as to influence the content of my dreams. After all, according to Dream Moods, having dream sex with a celebrity indicates my drive to be successful!
