Blog In Brief: You Must Trust Your Waxologist!

Photo by Cea (creative commons).

I am having trouble seeing the computer screen.  My eyelids, puffy and scabbed, are collapsing over my eyes.  Yesterday, I had my eyebrows waxed by a new lady, and I think she screwed it up.  I look as though I have been in (and lost) a pathetically mismatched fight.  I am forced to exercise my forehead muscles and keep a perpetually surprised look upon my face lest I be blinded by my bulbous, swollen brows.  I am not sure what happened...I have had my eyebrows waxed before.  But this time.  This time was different.  

This is only the second time I have been waxed by this lady, a convenient up-selling of my already scheduled hair appointment.  Finding it difficult to schedule all of my regular feminine maintenance appointments, I was thrilled at the possibility of killing two birds with one stone, and having my hair and eyebrows done at the same time.  I have learned, the hard way, that not all waxy ladies are created equal.

The first time she waxed me, it seemed pretty simple, much simpler than my more regular waxing salon.  She didn't mess around with trimming or shaping, she just got right to waxing and pulling.  In all, the first session took about 8 minutes, whereas my regular lady takes about 30 minutes for both brows.  The results were okay, and I didn't think much more of it.

This last time, wasn't much different, other than after she pulled off all of her wax strips, she immediately began applying cooling agents to my skin.  I suspect now, she recognized what had happened and was doing her best to cover it up.  "Is this burning?" she asked.  A little, I replied. 

"Wow, you do get red!"  she exclaimed, dabbing my eyes with toner.   I am certain, were I a waxing specialist who had just ripped off my clients brow skin, I would know it, and would say something to the client.  She however did not, leaving me to discover hours later, that something was amiss.

 It is customary for my brow area to remain hot pink for about 24 hours after a waxing, so I honestly didn't think anything about it at the time.  Later however, I started to realize that my skin was blistering and beginning to redden and several small areas were scabbing over.  Lest I were to scare away small children and rodents, I had to slather cover-up upon my brows to conceal my assault for three days following.  In all, it would take just over a week for my eyebrows to recover.  Fortunately, there was no scarring or infection.

What went wrong?  A little research revealed that there were a couple of possibilities.  One, the wax she used was too hot, skin from the eyebrow area could be torn off with the waxing strip.  Ugh!  It definitely looked as if a thin layer of skin was missing.  Also, certain types of wax are harsher and hard wax is often recommended as an alternative (it is peeled off without using muslin strips).  Another option, is a technique called "Threading".  This technique, perfected in India, involves using a double strand of thread to pull the eyebrow hair out in crisp lines, creating a very sculpted, tidy look.  I am not sure how available the latter technique is, and I would imagine it takes a significant level of skill.

It is also important not to wax the same area more than once and to hold the skin around the wax strip taught as the strip is torn free.  I also suspect she may not have done this adequately.

I now doubt her waxing skill and will not have her wax me again.  My regular waxer, whom I am more familiar, definitely seems more skilled and focused on what she is doing, and as I said, takes a lot of time getting it right.  She is very professional and a stickler for technique.  She is very conscious of skin condition and health, and knows how to minimize redness and irritation from her waxings.  

Moral of the story: not all estheticians are created equal.  I would recommend that prior to entrusting your flesh to anyone bearing hot wax, you seek out reviews of your local salons and their staff.  Lady friends are a great place to start because as we know, if you BURN a woman, she will happily tell everyone willing to listen!

Renting FAAbulous!!

Photo by Vivanista1.

I have made a discovery!  A rare and wonderful discovery!  It is so wonderful, I want to share it with all of you fashion-envying, low-budget chicks out there.  I personally, lack the budget to dress in designer duds, and grew despondent whence recently invited to a formal dress party this holiday season.  Aside from an old bride's maid dress and a couple of denim mini-skirts, my closet sorely lacks glitz and her dashing cousin, glamour.  This is partly due to the rarity of occasions I have to wear formal attire and also due to my limited budget for such extravagance   My closet is a testament to the Gap, in all shades of navy, tan and more tan.

My first attempt to outfit accordingly began at a local, high-end, thrift store.  I tried on several outfits, and actually bought a well-fitting, albeit plain dress, for $20.00.  Sweeet!  I liked the dress, for say a funeral or business meeting, but I dare say it lacked the fashion impact I was looking for.  It was a glancing blow off the chin, not a one-two knock-out punch.  Well at least now I have a bride's maid dress and something to wear to funerals.

Thus, I began shopping on-line for an appropriate wow-factor dress.  I reached out  to my personal fashion expert friend, FTC, whom you may recall from prior blogs.  I asked him, What does a typical cocktail dress look like?

"H.O.T!", was his reply.  I immediately questioned my ability to rock "hot".  He followed up with some sample images of dresses he felt were hot.  The first, was a striking velvet number, clinging resolutely to the curves of a skeletal model.  My mind immediately went to my muffin-top and the hideous speed bump it would cause in the silhouette of this remarkable dress.  Thumbs down.  He continued with several more structured dresses, patterned with bold black and white blocking.  I was more hopeful with these dresses, as I was certain they were designed to make me look thinner and/or blend into the furnishings.  Their price tag was too high, and I honestly thought them bland.  If I was going to go for it in the dress up realm, I was going big or I was staying home!

I shopped incessantly, and found a sexy sequin number that I quickly forwarded to him for approval.  His response was a lackluster, "Meh."  What?!  I thought, "Meh!" I was certain this dress I had painstakingly searched for (considering my flabby arms, muffin-top and less-than-perky ass) was a shoe-in, and deserving of far better than "Meh!" Lord knows, "Meh," was not the look I was shooting for.

So back to the drawing board once again!  I decided I was also not going to share any more dress choices with FTC lest he hate everything I chose.  I needed to love the dress I chose and could not risk any more "Mehs".  During my frenzied , all night shopping, I stumbled upon an ad for a web-site which immediately caught my eye.  It was renttherunway.com  .

This, dear ladies, was my savior!  Rent the runway is a website that allows you to rent fancy dresses for a fraction of their actual cost.  And these are not just any dresses.  They are DESIGNER dresses! Included are designs from Versace, Nicole Miller, Helmut Lang, Calvin Klein, Zac Posen, Diane Von Furstenburg, etc. etc.  Unbelievably, I could rent one of the wonderful dresses for as little as $50.00!  They also carried designer accessories (not shoes) and conveniently offered Spanx for sale (just in case...wink, wink).

There are hundreds of dresses to chose from, and the search platform allows you to narrow your search by any number of criteria, including age, body type (pear,apple, stick...(okay not a choice, but it should be!)), size, style, etc.  Another interesting, and I might say, daring, option, is the opportunity to browse photos of real, every-day women, who have rented the dress you might be looking at.  That same slinky number may have been worn by tall ladies, short ladies, plump ladies and ladies of varying ethnicities.  On more than one occasion, this preview of what the dress would look like on any normal body (not the boyish, stick models) added valuable perspective to my dress fantasies, and caused me to keep looking.

After narrowing down my styles and honing in on my preferences, I was left with two dress choices.  One, a Versace, had elements of structure that FTC had been suggesting, while the other, a flashy lace number, seemed a little more fun and sexy.  An awesome feature about Rent the Runway, is that when I chose my dress, I got a second size for free, to insure proper fit, and a second dress choice for only $25 more!  Throughout the search for the dress, there were stylist tips and even the opportunity to chat with one to help in sizing, selecting and even accessorizing the dress.

I had a choice between having the dress for four or eight days.  I chose four.  I set the date I wanted the dresses to arrive and that is the date they did!  Everything came in dry-cleaner plastic, enclosed in a garment bag which was packed in a box.  The dresses were clean and in great condition (they did smell perfumed and I prefer to think this was a company fragrance choice rather than one from each of the ladies who had formerly worn the smock).  Included were a large, prepaid, return envelop (to be dropped in any blue UPS box on your return date), a cute little styling kit that included shaving cream and wardrobe tape (which I used) and a free tote gift bag.  

Each of the dresses fit and was of great quality.  With great originality, I paired my Versace dress with a little known designer of women's shoes, perhaps you have heard of him,Tarjay?  (I dare say that is the first time Versace was found in the company of Tarjay!) I purchased the highest stilettos I could find (ending up literally 6'2") to complete the H.O.T look.  I had ordered some cool earrings, along with a vintage looking bling bracelet from the site, both of which were awesome.  

I got lots of compliments at the party (perhaps in part because I was very nearly the tallest person there, and very imposing) on the dress and accessories.  I couldn't help myself but gush that the dress was rented!  FTC was intrigued at such a site as he had never heard of it.  

The next day, I packed everything up in my return envelope and dropped it in the local post box (which I seemed to have clogged with my oversize envelop...but alas I live in a rural area without blue boxes).  Overall the experience was very simple and exceeded my expectations.  So, for your next, and probably for mine, formal occasion, check out this site, and save yourself from spending money on a dress that just might end up sitting next to the bride's maids dresses in the back of your closet, never to be worn again.

Goodbye World!

Photo by NASA Goddard Photo and Video
(note the date)

I wanted to take this opportunity to bid farewell to the earth, the trees, and my awesome minivan.  As many of you may know, the world is supposed to end in two short days, or so sayeth the wise, albeit, primitive Mayans (their famous, yet impractically heavy wall calendar was created around 1300 years ago).

This ancient calendar runs out of stone, and some surmise that this foretells the end of humanity (non-mayan savvy persons like myself ask naive questions like, "It couldn't just be that they ran out of appropriately shaped stones?" and/or "Are we sure we found the whole calendar?")  Rather, to the enlightened (not to be confused with the optimistic or scholarly minded among us...you elitist bastards!) it is much more likely that the Apocalypse is nigh and our time has come.  The shit is to hit the fan at the moment of the winter solstice (4:12 am mountain time on December 21st). (Should I set my alarm?) Damn, just when the days were supposed to start getting longer and why the hell did I buy all those Christmas presents?

To be sure, it has me thinking about all of the things I didn't do with my life.  My bucket list lies unfinished...meaning unwritten.  My house is a mess.  I have made no plans to whoop it up during my last few days, in fact I have to work.   Unfinished business does not sit well in advance of an apocalypse...I better make sure I put on clean underwear, nothing too sexy, that would be inappropriate!

It seems astonishing that this, ran-out-of-room-to-carve-any-more-numbers prophecy, coincides so well with a bunch of crazy world events and a general pall of suckiness that has descended upon the globe.  The list of atrocities we and mother nature have conjured up, is intense and disturbing, and makes one question, were the world not about to explode, where exactly humanity is/would have been heading, given it's current path of shear madness?

Maybe it's a message.  Maybe we don't deserve to remain stewards of the earth?  The earth is breaking up with us, giving itself a shake and making room for new tenants.  How did the Mayans know, so long ago, that we were going to fuck things up so badly in 2012?  I can't help but think "space alien", but again, I am no expert.

There is a fringe group out there, who don't believe this near certain, final days, prediction. (Lest I humor them? The ill-informed, positivist naysayers!....um...)  These kooks, believe that the end of the Mayan calendar actually signifies a time of spiritual transformation (lord knows we could use a little of that).  They propose that it signifies the end of a cycle of bad mojo and culminates with the emergence of a greater collective consciousness. (Try not to laugh at their outlandish proclamations...world not going to end in a rain of asteroids and hell fire, HA! Get a clue!!!)

Loosely translated into modern time parlance, this means: We stop being materialistic, consumption-obsessed, SOBs, who mark our territory on any and all parts and people of the world.  (Aren't we entitled to do with the world what we will? Afterall, don't I have the right to buy my Mickey Mouse sweatshirt for $10.00?  Sew damn you, SEW!)  We are focused solely at looking out for numero-uno and screwing everyone and everything if they get in the way of our frantic quest to keep up with the Jones-es. (How'd they get so popular?)  Hey, you! Look at me when I'm texting you!!

These transformation nut-jobs think there is something wrong with how we are living our lives right now.  Like there is something wrong with our techno-cultural isolationism? I tweet therefore I am!  If I can save a buck, why shouldn't I?  It's my buck after all!  Call me a job creator/wage oppressor/ 1%'er...if the shoe fits, I'll wear it (preferably alligator or some other endangered trend).  Those liberal crack-pots think I should feel bad about poor kids or the oppression of women!  Get government out of my bedroom...unless it's yours...and you happen to by gay!  My guns?? You want MY guns?  Hands off my assault rifle!

Don't get me started on all those rich, old people living off the bank roll of uncle Sam's medicare dole! (Working all their lives, contributing into the system for decades, and then expecting the benefits they were promised...that is the definition of entitlement...right?)   It makes me sick to think of the teachers everywhere, living the high life, on their $45,000 a year...while the poor millionaires in this country are under attack.  Did you know that they might actually have to pay $3600.00 more a year in taxes!  Injustice!  Cut the teacher's pay!  Throw the old people out!  You non-contributing zeros! (stolen from a comedian...prize if you can name him!)

What about all those war veterans, faking head injuries from land mines and missile attacks, so they can leach off government disability payments!  Prove that landing on your head from being thrown 20 feet into the air caused your brain trauma you freeloader!  (I can only imagine the actuarial table of benefit denial, being worshiped proudly in insurance company accounting departments, everywhere as another company dollar is saved!)  And why shouldn't they?  Their CEO can't be expected to give up any of his $43 million dollar bonus, you communist/marxist/solialist/Canadian bastards!  He is, after all, quite good at what he does and the shareholders are very HAPPY!

It's an easier pill to swallow that the world is going to be obliterated in 48 hours, based upon an ancient, mathematically gifted culture, than to accept the possibility that we should be expected to transform.  Obviously that is an outright fallacy.  Who said there was anything wrong here?  Why should humanity behave any differently?  We've got it dialed in...we are on the right track!  Too bad some people just can't seize the opportunities right in front of them.  If they could just work really hard, become janitors as children for example, they too could join the Jones-es in their well deserved mansions!  

Somehow, the end of the world is an easier version of prophetical events to believe than the version that would force us to turn the looking glass upon ourselves.  It would force us to honestly assess the way we are living our lives and perhaps admit that we have chosen the twisted path.  Much easier, I suppose, to perish.  Grab your life jackets you sorry lot....parting will be such sweet sorrow.

Guest Man Blog: Manhandled!

An actual school report written by MY husband as a boy.  My mother-in-law, the wise woman she is, typed it, and saved it to torment him with later in life.

This is the first of  many (I hope!) guest male blog posts to come.  Nothing more intriguing than getting a glimpse inside the male brain from articulate and insightful men!  I invite self-aware and willing to share men to submit!! 

by Mark C.

I would like to take a moment and address the concerning spectacle of men and women competing in the same sporting events.  This injustice, specifically directed towards the weaker sex, has been tolerated for some years but in light of recent race results, I believe this issue must be confronted, and fairness restored!  As we all know, there is significant physical inequality between the sexes:  Men don’t stand a chance!

Admittedly, I am not an Olympic caliber runner, but I can make the occasional podium for the random running race or triathlon.  Recently, however, women have begun to occupy my reserved spots in the winner’s circle.  For example, I managed to finish one of our local races in a respectable time.  This particular race takes you up over twelve and a half thousand feet of elevation and then roundabouts  back to town via an arduous, single-track.  It winds through high alpine, rugged terrain and exposes one to the harshest of elements.  All, very manly experiences, until now.

 

I managed to finish this race second among the men.  Normally, this would have been the end of it,  I would have been second overall.  But this year I placed fourth overall.  To make matters worse, the first place man, finished second overall!  Women claimed the top and third places overall, beating out the men, including me!  Now I was getting the dreaded fourth place, the wooden medal, because of women runners?

In a local marathon I was bumped to eleventh place because two, (selfish I might add) women had faster times than me!  I propose that getting women out of such races would mean more top ten opportunities for deserving athletes such as myself.

Let's face it, women have an unfair advantage.  For starters, they have the ability to endure higher levels of pain.  Who hasn’t seen a female athlete return to sport, post-partum, tougher than ever?  These women can literally push themselves much harder, knowing from their childbirth experiences, how much pain they can actually endure.  Unfair!  As a discriminated against male, I am unable to partake of this unfair training practice! Men, on the other hand, may experience physical challenges, such as taking out the trash, looking for the remote, and even getting up and getting their own beer. All admirable challenges to be sure, but comparable to childbirth? I think not. 

Then there are women who will train five or six days a week.  What man has this time and focus not to mention their ability to multi-task? And these women are slender and light.  It's a well known fact that men develop more muscle than women.  All of this muscle ends up weighing us down.  I have personally developed so much muscle that it has taken to jiggling around my mid section.  Just because women are staying fit and active is no reason why they should be winning races!

  

This is even now becoming an international problem!  For the first time, the United States sent more women athletes to the Olympics than men.  Ye Shiwen, the winner of the Olympic 400-meter swim, did her last 50 meters faster than both Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps, two of the fastest male swimmers in the world.

Of course, this is all a result of title nine which mandated the unfair practice of equal money spent for sport participation for both sexes in universities that received federal funding.  Since then, it's been all downhill for men.

I think, in lieu of these unfair advantages, there needs to be some rule changes in order to level the playing field.  First, women should have to run on steeper slopes than men.  Better yet, make them run altogether different and harder courses so that their times will not be compared to men.  Second, women must wear backpacks with weights in them: nothing excessive – 40 or 50 pounds- to match their male counterparts body weight.  Lastly, women should have to run barefoot.  On this point I don’t really have any “hard data” but in my gut I think this would add an appropriate handicap.

  

If unchecked, I fear that the present direction of women’s advantage in sport may affect other parts of our culture.  What's next?  Women demanding equal pay for equal work?  Now you're just talking crazy!