Too Old for Love?

Photo by LaPrimaDonna

Would you date someone who used to be fat?  That's right, not currently fat but formerly fat.  In a sort of Seinfeld-ish way, a friend of mine, actually broke up with a woman he was dating, because she had once been fat.  When they dated, she was pretty, in good physical shape and had a lot of things going for her.  (He never actually knew her when she was fat).  So obsessed was he by her potential future fatness, he ended their courtship.  He could not see himself dating an overweight woman, even though she wasn't actually overweight.  It's no wonder he is over 40 and still single!

He, along with several 40 plus singles I know, have got me to pondering.  Why are they still unattached?  What about their journey in life made them miss the marriage and children boat?   Despite possessing many redeeming qualities and claiming that they were looking for fulfilling relationships, they remain alone.  I began to wonder if, perhaps, they had gotten too old for love.

I have written before about my theory that many men's relationship reality can be destroyed by the unreasonably high bar set by their first girlfriends.  These relationships often occur in high school or college.  The hallmark of these relationships is Vast Attractiveness Disparity (VAD).  Having only freakishly thin and pimple faced boys to choose from, these fresh, nubile hotties, take what they can get, and desperately latch on to men with significant VAD.   The man, will from this relationship forward, falsely elevate he girlfriend hotness worthiness, and judge every future partner based upon these first experiences.  (A similar phenomenon occurs in California whereby the man to woman ratio is so in favor of men and is compounded by the insane beauty standard adhered to by Californian women, that even the most average of Joe's can date a playmate (my husband, case in point).

Thus, my fat fearing friend, believes his wife should be flawless.  Cellulite to any degree, is a deal breaker.  She must be skinny, beautiful, smart, tall, well dressed, feminine and super duper hot!  He on the other hand, is geeky thin, balding (and not in the sexy cool, shaved-head-with-sculpted-facial- patch sort of way), eccentric and anal (he wears safety goggles and protective head phones when he mows the lawn).  (Okay...he is a pilot, so protecting his ears and eyes are important...but still ??)   Furthering his plight, is the fact that he is surrounded by flight attendants who are young, cute and interested in men in uniform.  He suffers from a nasty case of VAD, which I fear may be irreversible.  He has so narrowed his acceptable partner range that his chances of ever actually finding a meaningful relationship are slim at best.

Another fellow I know, suffered massive VAD in high school, dating the best looking girl in school for several years only to eventually break up with her.  (Perhaps looking for someone better).   Little did he know that his hair was not long for this earth, and that his short, stocky frame would continue a more horizontal trajectory versus vertical growth.  His sense of humor was no match for genetics.  His perception of the type of woman he deserved remained way out of touch with reality, and he grows more and more eccentric and rigid each year.  For example, he has never tried a blue berry, not for any other reason than he never has.

Another fellow, who suffered from a severe case of VAD stemming from a taste for petite Miami Latinas, finally faced reality and I am pleased to report, fully recovered.  Realizing that his average at best, boyish good-looks were fading away, he reset his standards more in keeping with his actual partner potential. He rewrote the rule book, opened his mind and met and married a lovely girl, who happens to be overweight.

Often for the over 40 man, his symptoms of VAD can be aggravated as he naturally begins to look towards younger and younger women to meet his strict mate acceptability criteria.  Conversely, woman over 40 who are single, will find themselves at a strange tide change in relationships.  In high school, younger guys were left in the cold as their girl peers only had eyes for older class men.  This trend continued for the most part, through and past college.  As middle age approaches, there is a shift, whereby single women over 40 are overlooked as the men they are interested in turn their sights towards younger and younger women. Their partner choices, thus, are drastically diminished.

Beyond these environmental issues, it also seems like long periods of single-ness leads to greater and greater rigidity of expectations and eccentricities.  Finding the right fit for a partner becomes more and more challenging, as the ability to compromise decreases.  The middle-aged, never married, single women I know (and this is a sweeping generalization based upon my narrow experiences) can be brash and sharply edged.  I am not sure if this is the result of an early hormonal shift away from nurturing behavior due to their limited connected-ness to others, including children, but that is my hunch.  Hormonal cocktails for love and child rearing are powerful softening agents to a women's character.

Regardless of the cause, I worry about these people being alone.  Not because I think that marriage and kids is for everyone, but because this is something these people have stated they wanted, but somehow, have failed to find.  I fear that the more time goes by, the harder it will be and the chances that they stay alone increase.

Another hunch I have is that these people might be looking for the wrong things in relationships.  Most of what we have discussed is very superficial.  Perhaps these individuals are certain that at their age, they deserve to be picky.  Let's face it...we were all picky choosing a mate, but ass fat was not necessarily our most important criteria.  Also, perhaps these people aren't really happy with themselves or aren't committed to a self identity yet...meaning they aren't even sure who they are let alone what kind of partner they are looking for.  Once the looks test is passed...then what?

So if you answered, yes, you would date someone who was formerly fat, chances are your criteria for potential mates is pretty forgiving and realistic.  If you answered no, I'd wager you're still single...

Be Afraid...Be Very Afraid!

Photo by Arka D.

"...it's never too early to teach women fearlessness...I had thought with all the gains feminism has brought, my daughters would not have to suffer through the fears I did.  Yet here is our younger generation , as uncertain, doubting, and desperate as we were, trying to fulfill the expectations of others.  What happened to our bold little girls?"  (Arianna Huffington, On Becoming Fearless).


Fear has gotten a bad wrap in this age of enlightenment.  A plethora of self help books have been written touting the benefits of living a fearless life.  These books claim that if you allow fear to hold you back from reaching for your dreams no matter how big or scary, you are missing out on  the potential of a full and happy life. If only you were strong enough to conquer your fears, the sky would be the limit and love and joy would be thine forever and ever, AMEN.


According to Psychology Today,  unless you have had a lobotomy, you have fear, and there is nothing you can do nor is there anything you should do about it.  Fear has benefits, and without it "...we would be...stupider."  In her article, Why We Need a Little Fear, Dr. Kelly McGonigal a professor at Stanford University writes, "Fear...is a fundamental part of making good decisions."  She shares that the primitive part of our brain, the amygdala, which is essentially our fear filter, helps us assess the riskiness of situations and maintain self control.  Were we to live completely without fear, we would be prone to reckless and dangerous behavior.  "We need our instincts to let us know when something is just wrong -- an immediate emotional evaluation that is even more powerful than complex reasoning and logic," she writes. 


Being fearful is hardwired into us.  So does this mean that a truly fearless state is unattainable?  Are all of these fear-less monger-ers blowing proverbial smoke up our proverbial asses?  Primitive fears were primarily about survival, after all, there were all sorts of scary things chasing us down and eating us.   Specific fears were heightened based upon the conditions of our primitive environment, all designed to increase our chances of survival.  


Each of us has different fears and anxieties, and most of us are acutely aware of, and often ashamed of, what they are.   We might be reasonably afraid of heights or snakes, each of which could pose a threat to our survival.   Fear about leaving a lucrative career to pursue an uncertain passion is also reasonable, as fear of financial destitution can also be linked to survival.   On the other hand, some of the things we commonly fear are unrelated to life and death outcomes and yet they can still paralyze and hold us back.


When we assess a situation or a decision, we apply individual fear filters, based upon what threatens us the most.  In this day and age this may have more to do with social rejection than whether an action will actually result in our demise.  You could make an argument that in our primitive brains, social rejection could reduce our chances of survival, as we had better odds when we stood together in a group against a threat.  In our modern day environment, there are less immediate threats, such as saber tooth tigers, and so modern fears are conditioned based upon what we find most threatening within our current state of being.


For women, fears of social rejection begin very early in life.  Fears of not fitting in, saying the wrong thing or wearing the wrong clothes, are predominant fears.  Fear of negative social judgement from others can be very powerful.  These fears might predominate when we are younger, as this is when we are searching for mates and trying to secure our place in  the "group", a group that was once upon a time, closely tied to surviving a harsh primitive environment.  As we get older and more mature, these fears still exist, but their perspective as it relates to the health of our lives diminishes.   Perhaps because mating becomes less important as we age...mating for reproduction I should clarify...as sex for fun becomes more important for mature women...or so I've heard. 


The ability to control fear is an intellectual thing.  Think Samson and Goliath...our instinctive, primitive fears, as large, powerful, and immediate.  They can dominate our decisions.  Our will to overcome them, is a small boy with a puny little sling shot, facing what seems a monumental task.   Overcoming our greatest fears involves risk and our brains perceive this risk as life threatening and therefore they put up a panicky fight.  


We all have our most basic elements of survival to address first, before we can add more risk into the equation.  In her book, On Becoming Fearless, Arianna Huffington, presents a long list of "fearless" women who have challenged social norms and pressed into causes that have been immensely daunting.    What struck me most about these women, was how much of their shit was already together...perhaps they were already wealthy or had "a leg up" that many women might not have.  With their basic tools of survival already managed (a.k.a financial security) their leap suddenly seems less scary.  For the average women great leaps are either accidental or on hold until our fortresses are reinforced.  I had to stop myself from comparing the great deeds of these women to my own, as I realized our lives are immensely different.   


Our evolved brains, possess the ability to contain and control fear, but fear itself can never be completely eliminated.  So we truly cannot live "fearlessly".  (Good to know, because my consistent failure to do so, as espoused in these various self help books has been making me, ironically, feel really shitty about myself).  Fear doesn't have to be such a negative word if we can embrace its' purpose in guiding us towards actions and decisions that will ultimately benefit us rather than harm us.  You cannot take a fear such as public speaking and switch it off.  Rather, if you can sneak up on it, with baby steps if you will, and gain increments of confidence building success, your fears may become smaller and your tools to overcome it more powerful.


Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane, at least the first time, takes an immense amount of intellectual dampening of primal fear.  The next time you jump out, you might, based upon your first successful experience, be less afraid to do it again, and so on.   Those who profess to lack fear in given situations have merely placed less importance into them as potentially threatening or just have more experience with them.   If you avoid exposing yourself to your fears, you will likely never overcome them. 


Rather than feeling shame for failing to become fearless, something I now know I cannot actually do,  I am going to focus more on decreasing the power fear has in my life.  If there is something in my life that I want, but am afraid to try or change, I need to engage in strategies and encounters that break down my fear into smaller, manageable pieces.  I will also need to pick situations that don't set me up for failure because these will only serve to increase my fear.   I know I can live a joyful life and still be afraid.  Joy comes from overcoming fear, not pretending it isn't there.