Is Divorce Contagious?

Image by Chavezonico.

I had fully intended to blog the last couple of weeks, and had actually gone so far as to go to the cozy local coffee shop, get my laptop unpacked, order a chai, and written a catchy title, when a good friend walked in the door.  She is currently three quarters of the way through a divorce, and it is my chick-friend duty, to offer my listening ears and compassion towards the struggle she finds herself in right now.  This has happened each of the last two weeks I have tried to blog, and as I sit here sucessfully blogging, in the same coffee shop, I half expect her to walk in the door. 

Once we began to chat, I closed my computer, blog left undone, and listened.  These conversations stretched towards two hours as she opened up about her heart-break, anger and growing frustration, at a process she never dreamed she would find herself in.  As is the case in many divorces, as the process goes forward, the nastiness accelerates.   Each other's actions appear to be solely about the victory, undermined by a  refusal to compromise, displaying a spitefulness, fueled by years of pent-up resentment.   She no longer recognizes the man she had spent almost 20 years of her life with, as he exerts a mystifying amount of control and exhibits a loathing towards her that she had never felt was possible.  Buried in the middle of the onslaught, she is unable to see her future, towards the other side of it, and the possibility that her life might end up in a better place.  The loss of her family and the life that she had built was still a raw wound, seeping grief with every new attack.

I offered what I could in the form of supporting words, asking questions that she had been struggling to understand herself.  "Why is he so angry?" I asked.  Her ex seems to have forgotten all about their children, wanting none of the responsibility, but all of the decision making power about their futures and welfare.  She feels trapped, unable to make a single decision for fear that his new "no" mantra will always and forever control her life.  I selfishly drink it in, as if I am at a "How To" seminar for saving my own marriage and preventing myself from going down the road of, what by all accounts, is a hellacious divorce process.  As the recently spurned bachelor told his bachelorette, after being mortifyingly rejected in front of millions of pathetic television viewers like myself, "All things that end, end badly, otherwise they wouldn't end".  No shit Sherlock, but poignant none-the-less.

I find myself surrounded these days by divorcing friends or friends of friends.    I tell my husband, I will know that he absolutely hates my each and every last gut if he ever decides to divorce me.   Gosh, it really makes his numerous, annoying habits seem much less of a big deal when I imagine the torture of trying to extract one's self from a marriage.

One thing my friend shared that has stuck with me, was that she believed a close friend of her soon-to-be ex husband, who himself had recently divorced, may have been the catalyst that pushed him to leave.   "Things weren't perfect," she admited, "but he decided to leave right after having spent a weekend with this friend".  She even admitted to having read that divorces can be facilitated by other divorced friends.  Interestingly, I had witnessed a series of divorces that had fit that very possibility.  There were three couples, all friends, I think, through the men primarily.  The first couple called it quits when the husband got cozy with another woman. When the first couple divorced, the actions of the cheater were vehemently chastised by the two other couples, particularly the men in those relationships.  Each of the spouses bragged about the strength of their own marriages and criticized the weakness of their friend.  Within four years, however, all three of the couples were divorced, each of the men involved with new women.

Could this be possible?  Was the mere exposure to a friend getting divorced enough incentive to end one's own marriage?  Did it break down the social stigma, often associated with divorce, enough to make it easier to walk away?  If he is doing it, why shouldn't I?  I started to get worried, as my husband's new BFF is a recent divorcee, living the single high-life, whilst my husband endures my relentless bitchiness!  Should I mandate they stay away from each other, lest my own marriage fall apart?

In fact, this phenomenon has actually been studied.  According to a Harvard/Brown and  University of California study entitled "Breaking up is Hard to do, Unless Everybody Else is Doing it", the chances that your marriage will end if a close friend gets divorced first, increases by 75%!  This is no pansy study either.  Their data included more than 12,000 marriages to date.   They found that both men and women in the marriage were equally likely to divorce if their buddies did too.  The more mutual friends a relationship had, decreased the risk as did the number of children, although relationships with children did not show a lower risk rate.   I guess staying together for the kids isn't as big a deal as following our social network's decisions.

Ultimately, they partially explain these results as being related to a reduction in the stigma associated with a failed marriage, which makes it easier and easier to walk away.  Like, for example, if your friend got a tattoo, you could totally get one because, well, it doesn't mean you're a dirt bag anymore.  Does this seem completely pathetic to anyone else besides me?  I openly detest peer pressure driven decisions.   I can imagine the soul searching conversation her near-ex had with his buddy: "Do you really think it is okay if I leave my wife?".  His wisely sage answer may have sounded a little like: "Hell ya, she's a bitch and life is way better being single!  We could hit the bars and sleep with a different hottie every night!"   Hey, jackass, I've got an idea, how about sucking it up and putting your narcissistic-hat away for a moment.  Find the balls to stick it out long enough to give your children what you promised them when you decided to bring them into this world, you selfish, fucking, bastard....oh my...pardon me... my emotions got the best of me for a moment...

I wonder if these sad little sheep, ever wake up one morning and realize that they blew it?  I mean completely fucked it up.   Is waking up alone every morning, with someone else raising your kids, really sound better than, making it work?  Or is doing some "strange" better than your kids jumping in your bed in the morning...every morning?  Oh sure, some marriages just plane suck and never should have happened in the first place....but seriously, are we that weak minded that we can be so easily influenced away from our marriages?  I got news for ya' guys...after a few years all pussies are boring and all women become bitches.   Those new relationships will have problems too.  I mean, men cheat on Halle Berry and Demi Moore, and you don't get much hotter than that!  Better the poison you know, right?

I have faith that my husband is the antithesis to the passive follower.  Like yesterday for example, he was putting the dishes away, and put one in the wrong cupboard.  Helpfully, I directed him as to the correct location of said dish.  He looked at me, smiled and said "Okay", making no effort what-so-ever to correct his error in dish placement.    In fact, the dish is still in the wrong cupboard today. That's how un-influencable he is!  Amazing, right?  I admit to being overly cautious with many things in my life, and just in case, I am going to ban his new BFF from his life.  You know, just to be on the safe side.  In addition, I think I will start shopping around for a new, happily married BFF for him to hang with.