Too Old for Love?

Photo by LaPrimaDonna

Would you date someone who used to be fat?  That's right, not currently fat but formerly fat.  In a sort of Seinfeld-ish way, a friend of mine, actually broke up with a woman he was dating, because she had once been fat.  When they dated, she was pretty, in good physical shape and had a lot of things going for her.  (He never actually knew her when she was fat).  So obsessed was he by her potential future fatness, he ended their courtship.  He could not see himself dating an overweight woman, even though she wasn't actually overweight.  It's no wonder he is over 40 and still single!

He, along with several 40 plus singles I know, have got me to pondering.  Why are they still unattached?  What about their journey in life made them miss the marriage and children boat?   Despite possessing many redeeming qualities and claiming that they were looking for fulfilling relationships, they remain alone.  I began to wonder if, perhaps, they had gotten too old for love.

I have written before about my theory that many men's relationship reality can be destroyed by the unreasonably high bar set by their first girlfriends.  These relationships often occur in high school or college.  The hallmark of these relationships is Vast Attractiveness Disparity (VAD).  Having only freakishly thin and pimple faced boys to choose from, these fresh, nubile hotties, take what they can get, and desperately latch on to men with significant VAD.   The man, will from this relationship forward, falsely elevate he girlfriend hotness worthiness, and judge every future partner based upon these first experiences.  (A similar phenomenon occurs in California whereby the man to woman ratio is so in favor of men and is compounded by the insane beauty standard adhered to by Californian women, that even the most average of Joe's can date a playmate (my husband, case in point).

Thus, my fat fearing friend, believes his wife should be flawless.  Cellulite to any degree, is a deal breaker.  She must be skinny, beautiful, smart, tall, well dressed, feminine and super duper hot!  He on the other hand, is geeky thin, balding (and not in the sexy cool, shaved-head-with-sculpted-facial- patch sort of way), eccentric and anal (he wears safety goggles and protective head phones when he mows the lawn).  (Okay...he is a pilot, so protecting his ears and eyes are important...but still ??)   Furthering his plight, is the fact that he is surrounded by flight attendants who are young, cute and interested in men in uniform.  He suffers from a nasty case of VAD, which I fear may be irreversible.  He has so narrowed his acceptable partner range that his chances of ever actually finding a meaningful relationship are slim at best.

Another fellow I know, suffered massive VAD in high school, dating the best looking girl in school for several years only to eventually break up with her.  (Perhaps looking for someone better).   Little did he know that his hair was not long for this earth, and that his short, stocky frame would continue a more horizontal trajectory versus vertical growth.  His sense of humor was no match for genetics.  His perception of the type of woman he deserved remained way out of touch with reality, and he grows more and more eccentric and rigid each year.  For example, he has never tried a blue berry, not for any other reason than he never has.

Another fellow, who suffered from a severe case of VAD stemming from a taste for petite Miami Latinas, finally faced reality and I am pleased to report, fully recovered.  Realizing that his average at best, boyish good-looks were fading away, he reset his standards more in keeping with his actual partner potential. He rewrote the rule book, opened his mind and met and married a lovely girl, who happens to be overweight.

Often for the over 40 man, his symptoms of VAD can be aggravated as he naturally begins to look towards younger and younger women to meet his strict mate acceptability criteria.  Conversely, woman over 40 who are single, will find themselves at a strange tide change in relationships.  In high school, younger guys were left in the cold as their girl peers only had eyes for older class men.  This trend continued for the most part, through and past college.  As middle age approaches, there is a shift, whereby single women over 40 are overlooked as the men they are interested in turn their sights towards younger and younger women. Their partner choices, thus, are drastically diminished.

Beyond these environmental issues, it also seems like long periods of single-ness leads to greater and greater rigidity of expectations and eccentricities.  Finding the right fit for a partner becomes more and more challenging, as the ability to compromise decreases.  The middle-aged, never married, single women I know (and this is a sweeping generalization based upon my narrow experiences) can be brash and sharply edged.  I am not sure if this is the result of an early hormonal shift away from nurturing behavior due to their limited connected-ness to others, including children, but that is my hunch.  Hormonal cocktails for love and child rearing are powerful softening agents to a women's character.

Regardless of the cause, I worry about these people being alone.  Not because I think that marriage and kids is for everyone, but because this is something these people have stated they wanted, but somehow, have failed to find.  I fear that the more time goes by, the harder it will be and the chances that they stay alone increase.

Another hunch I have is that these people might be looking for the wrong things in relationships.  Most of what we have discussed is very superficial.  Perhaps these individuals are certain that at their age, they deserve to be picky.  Let's face it...we were all picky choosing a mate, but ass fat was not necessarily our most important criteria.  Also, perhaps these people aren't really happy with themselves or aren't committed to a self identity yet...meaning they aren't even sure who they are let alone what kind of partner they are looking for.  Once the looks test is passed...then what?

So if you answered, yes, you would date someone who was formerly fat, chances are your criteria for potential mates is pretty forgiving and realistic.  If you answered no, I'd wager you're still single...