Be Afraid...Be Very Afraid!

Photo by Arka D.

"...it's never too early to teach women fearlessness...I had thought with all the gains feminism has brought, my daughters would not have to suffer through the fears I did.  Yet here is our younger generation , as uncertain, doubting, and desperate as we were, trying to fulfill the expectations of others.  What happened to our bold little girls?"  (Arianna Huffington, On Becoming Fearless).


Fear has gotten a bad wrap in this age of enlightenment.  A plethora of self help books have been written touting the benefits of living a fearless life.  These books claim that if you allow fear to hold you back from reaching for your dreams no matter how big or scary, you are missing out on  the potential of a full and happy life. If only you were strong enough to conquer your fears, the sky would be the limit and love and joy would be thine forever and ever, AMEN.


According to Psychology Today,  unless you have had a lobotomy, you have fear, and there is nothing you can do nor is there anything you should do about it.  Fear has benefits, and without it "...we would be...stupider."  In her article, Why We Need a Little Fear, Dr. Kelly McGonigal a professor at Stanford University writes, "Fear...is a fundamental part of making good decisions."  She shares that the primitive part of our brain, the amygdala, which is essentially our fear filter, helps us assess the riskiness of situations and maintain self control.  Were we to live completely without fear, we would be prone to reckless and dangerous behavior.  "We need our instincts to let us know when something is just wrong -- an immediate emotional evaluation that is even more powerful than complex reasoning and logic," she writes. 


Being fearful is hardwired into us.  So does this mean that a truly fearless state is unattainable?  Are all of these fear-less monger-ers blowing proverbial smoke up our proverbial asses?  Primitive fears were primarily about survival, after all, there were all sorts of scary things chasing us down and eating us.   Specific fears were heightened based upon the conditions of our primitive environment, all designed to increase our chances of survival.  


Each of us has different fears and anxieties, and most of us are acutely aware of, and often ashamed of, what they are.   We might be reasonably afraid of heights or snakes, each of which could pose a threat to our survival.   Fear about leaving a lucrative career to pursue an uncertain passion is also reasonable, as fear of financial destitution can also be linked to survival.   On the other hand, some of the things we commonly fear are unrelated to life and death outcomes and yet they can still paralyze and hold us back.


When we assess a situation or a decision, we apply individual fear filters, based upon what threatens us the most.  In this day and age this may have more to do with social rejection than whether an action will actually result in our demise.  You could make an argument that in our primitive brains, social rejection could reduce our chances of survival, as we had better odds when we stood together in a group against a threat.  In our modern day environment, there are less immediate threats, such as saber tooth tigers, and so modern fears are conditioned based upon what we find most threatening within our current state of being.


For women, fears of social rejection begin very early in life.  Fears of not fitting in, saying the wrong thing or wearing the wrong clothes, are predominant fears.  Fear of negative social judgement from others can be very powerful.  These fears might predominate when we are younger, as this is when we are searching for mates and trying to secure our place in  the "group", a group that was once upon a time, closely tied to surviving a harsh primitive environment.  As we get older and more mature, these fears still exist, but their perspective as it relates to the health of our lives diminishes.   Perhaps because mating becomes less important as we age...mating for reproduction I should clarify...as sex for fun becomes more important for mature women...or so I've heard. 


The ability to control fear is an intellectual thing.  Think Samson and Goliath...our instinctive, primitive fears, as large, powerful, and immediate.  They can dominate our decisions.  Our will to overcome them, is a small boy with a puny little sling shot, facing what seems a monumental task.   Overcoming our greatest fears involves risk and our brains perceive this risk as life threatening and therefore they put up a panicky fight.  


We all have our most basic elements of survival to address first, before we can add more risk into the equation.  In her book, On Becoming Fearless, Arianna Huffington, presents a long list of "fearless" women who have challenged social norms and pressed into causes that have been immensely daunting.    What struck me most about these women, was how much of their shit was already together...perhaps they were already wealthy or had "a leg up" that many women might not have.  With their basic tools of survival already managed (a.k.a financial security) their leap suddenly seems less scary.  For the average women great leaps are either accidental or on hold until our fortresses are reinforced.  I had to stop myself from comparing the great deeds of these women to my own, as I realized our lives are immensely different.   


Our evolved brains, possess the ability to contain and control fear, but fear itself can never be completely eliminated.  So we truly cannot live "fearlessly".  (Good to know, because my consistent failure to do so, as espoused in these various self help books has been making me, ironically, feel really shitty about myself).  Fear doesn't have to be such a negative word if we can embrace its' purpose in guiding us towards actions and decisions that will ultimately benefit us rather than harm us.  You cannot take a fear such as public speaking and switch it off.  Rather, if you can sneak up on it, with baby steps if you will, and gain increments of confidence building success, your fears may become smaller and your tools to overcome it more powerful.


Jumping out of a perfectly good airplane, at least the first time, takes an immense amount of intellectual dampening of primal fear.  The next time you jump out, you might, based upon your first successful experience, be less afraid to do it again, and so on.   Those who profess to lack fear in given situations have merely placed less importance into them as potentially threatening or just have more experience with them.   If you avoid exposing yourself to your fears, you will likely never overcome them. 


Rather than feeling shame for failing to become fearless, something I now know I cannot actually do,  I am going to focus more on decreasing the power fear has in my life.  If there is something in my life that I want, but am afraid to try or change, I need to engage in strategies and encounters that break down my fear into smaller, manageable pieces.  I will also need to pick situations that don't set me up for failure because these will only serve to increase my fear.   I know I can live a joyful life and still be afraid.  Joy comes from overcoming fear, not pretending it isn't there.