Schwetty Balls

Photo by spDuchamp.

If you haven't watched the Saturday Night Live NPR satire about Sweaty Balls, you must immediately click on the link below and watch.  For me, talking about balls ranks right up there for levity producing potential, with fart jokes or shameful bodily function parodies.  I absolutely love fart jokes, and as a child had a cabbage patch doll who sported a bright pin-on-button, boldly asking "Who Farted?"

A frank testicular discussion is, I think, timely as we recover from the holiday blues.  It is also a topic that offers relief from stresses that cause us to shrink away protectively, from the repeated blows that life can deliver.  I am remiss that I have not blogged about male genitalia for some time and revisiting this sensitive subject, is long over due.  Coincidentally, I was recently talking about balls with a group of fun loving, semi-inebriated adults over the holidays.   A frequent undertone of this discussion was the mysterious nature of man-balls, and our (mostly mine and the rest of the women at the table) ignorance as to the proper handling of this, often, in-your-face anatomical feature. 

(Caution: blunt ball talk follows!)

Aside from the obvious sperm producing role of the male testicles, there is no clear consensus as to what else they might be good for, and more importantly, what we should do with them.  Let's be honest, balls are unsightly and prone to odor, a somewhat musty, moist, oldish smell.  This fragrance unlike many other bodily pheromones, tends to repel the opposite sex versus attract it.  Balls are also hairy, in a bristly and unpredictable way.  Licking a ball feels vaguely like licking a hairbrush. Logistically, licking a ball is challenging, as their is little space around the balls, and they are dangerously close to the ass.  It is tempting to mess around with balls due to the mysterious way they dance when stimulated.  I had great fun as a young woman poking around balls and watching them move. 

Ball handling skills usually only enter into our consideration sexually, during foreplay or oral sex.  Occasionally, a little additional ball manipulation during sex can move things along more quickly, you know, if they are dragging on and on and on.  Otherwise, whenever I have approached balls, I have felt at a complete loss.  They are so present and obvious, that ignoring them doesn't seem right, but at the same time I feel as if I am guessing at what the best way to stimulate them is.  The heat of the moment never seems like the right time to ask, "Honey, what should I do with your balls?"

During our informal ball discussion, one fellow suggested that his balls could be ignored, as for him it was truly all about the penis.  Others felt that it did indeed feel good to have their balls attended to, as some pleasure was derived from this.  It seemed to be an accessory to their pleasure, versus an activity they would request in isolation.  We joked about ball play, mimicking juggling them, wiggling them, poking them, etc., but still ended the discussion before any meaningful ball handling tactics were discussed.  Hand gestures and practical demonstrations would have been appreciated.

I have spent a small amount of time personally, googling best-ball handling practices.  (What ever did we do before the Internet?)  As a cautionary tale, there are certainly a broad range of testicle techniques in use to day, each dependant on the nature of the site you end up on.  Some are very scary.  You certainly can and should apply your own filter of acceptable ball play to these varied suggestions.  After all, what works for one man's balls might not work for another's.

One technique that stood out to me was the Ball Pulling technique.  With this technique, one reasonably grabs the balls and gently pulls them away from the man's body.  Apparently, this was supposed to be very pleasurable, and from an execution standpoint, seemed easy to accomplish.  I eagerly employed the technique at my next opportunity and watched closely for any reaction.  I was disappointed when there wasn't a noticeable change in response.  I reviewed the testicle tug instructions in my head, and was sure I was performing it properly.  Maybe he was distracted by everything else going on, or, quite likely, satisfied with just about any attention to this geographical area of his body as long as I wasn't physically abusing him.

I have been experimenting with different things for a long time now.  Most techniques have not elicited much specific reaction.  Only one has shown itself to be of any superior value, in certain circumstances, and that is when attention is given to the taint.  Most know that the taint is the area between the balls and the "no-go" zone.  Sustained pressure here during ejaculation is said to intensify orgasm, and my observations have supported this.  Like any good technique, I try not to overuse it. 

If your man is open to discussion, it is probably worth asking him what he wants you to do with his balls.  My husband glazes over when I ask questions like that, so it looks like he is just going to have to deal with the grab bag of techniques I employ.  My ball manipulating creativity has reached it's limits as there are only so many things I can come up with to keep mixing it up.

For simplicity's sake, from now on, I have decided to treat balls like a women's breasts'... much, much uglier and sweaty cousin. 



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