Guilt

Photo by taberandrew.

Whew!  I think, yes... I believe that I have calmed down since my last post.  I do so appreciate the opportunity to use profanity at will.  (I almost put the word "cocksuckers" in my last post, but thought that might be going too far).  I can immediately tell if I will be really good friends with someone if I can drop an "F-bomb" without anyone blinking an eye.  I have one friend whom I hang with who is "Christian".  Usually that word associated with people freaks me out, but with her, it's cool.  We don't talk about God, and when I go over to her house I make sure cussing is allowed.  With her church gals, "Thou Shalt Not Swear", and so I don't...unless...I have had too many martinis, in which case, there are no guarantees.

My deep seated fear of Christians developed from the overwhelming guilt I would feel were I to offend them.  I don't know how to act around really nice, moral people.  I clam up!  I panic!  How can I talk to them if I'm not sure of all of the possible ways I could offend them?  What if I say motherfucker or worse "God Dammit" and use the Lord's name in vain!  I am even capitalizing the Lord's name, just in case Christian people read this!  Religion causes a lot of guilt.  I profess that I am agnostic, not a believer in organized religion, a little too shy and just-in-case-God-fearing to use the "atheist" word. (My disdain for this word shows by it's lack of capitalization!)  Makes me feel guilty! 

Guilt is a strange emotion.  It is cultural, philosophical and a spectacular tool for manipulating people.  Guilt is created when we weigh an action with a result or consequence.  To feel guilty, your action must lead to a  negative result.   This judgement is based upon our own filters and belief systems.  To avoid guilt we can balance action and consequence, or simply justify the result of our actions to serve our own agendas ie. rid us of guilt.  Conversely, guilt can be used to manipulate us, if we are taught to believe that certain results or acts are bad and by participating in them, we are, ourselves bad.

I feel guilty when I eat really yummy, high calorie, decadent food.  That sucks, because every time I eat it, I feel guilty, and man does that sap the joy out of it!  I have been taught, that skinny women are beautiful.  Therefore, if I want to be beautiful, I should be skinny.  I know that eating the wonderful cheese I bought today will not further my quest towards beautiful skinniness and thus the act of eating it, leads to guilt, as I will be letting down the skinny standard I have been taught my whole life to live up to.  The result: guilt.  The only reason I feel guilty about this, is because I believe what I have been taught.  If I didn't believe this cultural model, I would not feel guilty eating the cheese.  Question: Would I be skinnier if I didn't feel so guilty?

I feel guilty because my house is beyond messy.  Neglecting the cleanliness of my house in the interest of say, writing, I am letting down the cultural standard of clean house = good person.  If you came over to my house, I would feel really guilty.  I would also believe you would judge me.  Fuck you if you can't handle a little dust! (So sorry Christian people!)  I feel guilty because I don't hang out all day at my children's school participating in relentless parent involvement activities. Those other mom's look at me like I am some kind of child neglector!  Okay, I admit, it's not them that makes me feel guilty, it is the belief that to be a good mother, I must do the maximum amount of mothery-ish things.  Anything less, and I am a bad mom.

I feel guilty because I haven't gone to the gym in a week, because dammit, I just don't feel like it!  All of those fit assholes, with free-time blossoming out of their biceps, can just zip their pie-holes when they see my muffin-top bulging over my ill fitting jeans!  Well, I guess it's not them making me feel guilty, it is the belief that I must exercise at least three times a week to stay fit and healthy (see also Beautiful Skinny Lady).  Double guilt if you will...

There is a new kind of guilt I am exploring, kinda related to some of my ranting from my last post.  I dare say I am about to get political...Corporations don't experience guilt.  Even though corporations are now blessed with the same rights as "people" their morality/guilt is forgiven if the price is right.  For example, my local grocery store advised me that they will no longer be paying back a discount to those that bring in their own bags.  As an incentive to have people bring in re-usable bags, they paid me a few cents a bag in the form of a discount.  In turn, I did not take any of their bags, which here-to-for, were given free to customers of the store.  Turns out, that they are paying more to those who bring in their own bags, than it costs to buy their in-store plastic ones.

That is a good enough reason..I suppose.  From a purely business perspective, why should they pay more to incentivize good environmental policy, than it would cost to just keep spewing plastic bags into a land-fill?  Really, that is a good business decision.  The decision of whether or not to bring in re-usable bags, should therefore be left to the shopper.  We can feel some guilt whilst making this decision, but the grocer should not, nor are they reasonably expected to feel any guilt if they are protecting their bottom-line.  It costs them one cent per plastic bag and up to five cents per re-usable bag incentive.  That is five times the cost!  This is the only metric that matters when weighing the rightness or wrongness of a corporate action.

This got me to thinking about my up-side-down mortgage.  I have been doing a lot of reading about this situation that more than 48% of Americans find themselves in today.  There are a surprisingly large number of websites that are advocating that homeowners in this situation, simply walk away from their mortgages!  youwalkaway.com is a perfect example of this.  Their whole site is devoted to guiding people through "Stategic Default", or defaulting on a mortgage loan even if you can afford to continue making the payments.  Many sites that advocate this, receive hate mail and death threats.  81% of us, think that it is amoral to default on a mortgage, even if your home is no longer worth what you paid for it, and likely won't be for 20+ years.  It goes against everything we are manipulated to believe, and we should feel very very guilty if we do it! Or should we...?

My house is now considered a "Toxic Asset".  This means that when you look at it like a financial investment, it has gone to shit! (Please forgive me!)  Cultural morality would say that tough doo-dahs, you signed on you stay on!  That is your ethical obligation!  This situation looks a lot like the plastic bag situation I mentioned above, somehow the consumer has to bear the burden of guilt and do the right thing, save the environment/uphold a contract, no matter the costs in money or effort.  We aren't allowed to behave like a corporation.

Brent White from the University of Arizona College of Law, writes in his enlightening paper : "Underwater and Not Walking Away: Shame, Fear and the Social Management of the Housing Crisis",  that "fear, shame, and guilt are not mere "transaction costs" that homeowners calculate according to their own personal tolerance for each. Rather, these emotional constraints are actively cultivated by the government, the financial industry, and other social control agents in order to induce individual homeowners to act in ways that are against their own self interest".  Mr. White is an advocate of strategic default.  Guilt is the only thing holding most homeowners back from walking away from a deal gone bad.  Even though it would be in their best financial interest to walk away from their homes, only a small percentage of people have brought themselves around to being okay with strategic default. (see link to this paper at the bottom of this post).

I got a dollar says that the mortgage industry doesn't feel as guilty as we do.  " Unlike lenders who seek to maximize profits irrespective of concerns of morality or social responsibility, individual homeowners are encouraged to behave in accordance with social and moral norms requiring that individuals keep promises and honor financial obligations", he writes, "Lenders, on the other hand, have generally resisted calls to modify underwater mortgages despite the fact that it would be both socially beneficial and morally responsible for them to do so."  Tut tut the capitalist might say.  The business has the right to run itself as they see fit.  Morgan Stanley recently "Strategically Defaulted" on 5 enormous commercial properties that were underwater, recognizing the toxicity the investment had become.  If corporations are doing it, why shouldn't I?

In his article, Mr. White reviews the culture of guilt and shame, and how it effects our abilities to make decisions that although they are in our best interest are socially unacceptable.  Turns out our guilt is relied on in many situations to keep us doing the right thing, even if corporations aren't expected or required to. 

I am starting to ask myself: would I be richer, healthier, happier and skinnier if I didn't feel so guilty, and worried less about following the belief systems cultivated around me and followed more closely my own?  Do I have a greater moral obligation to my own well being and that of my family than I do to my mortgage company?  After all, didn't we enter into a financial arrangement, not a moral one?  And why are consumers, yet again, asked to shoulder "the good guy" side of the corporate relationship?  It makes sense to me, to look at the housing market a lot more like a corporation.  I'll no doubt, feel less guilty....


"Underwater and Not Walking Away: Shame, Fear and the Social Management of the Housing Crisis"   (http://www.sacbee.com/static/weblogs/real_estate/SSRN-id1494467.pdf)

Caution: Profanity Laced:: UN-Inspired

Photo by indie.ca

Stress is a powerful antidote to creativity.   So is my dog licking his balls... "Cut it out!"  I call over harshly, my tone evidence of his contribution to my writer's block.  "Slurp"  "Slurp".  Balls must taste nice, he's at it quite relentlessly.

 It's almost time to get dinner on, and that thought is distracting me.  I'm just about ready to begin when my husband, who is reclined on the couch, watching ancient golf telecasts, begins acting as a shouting intermediary between my kids and I.  "MaaWWwwm?  Can I have some candy?" my son shouts down the stairs.

"Honey can he have some candy?" my husband shouts to me...as if I couldn't hear my son.

"We're about to have dinner!", I remind him.

"We're having dinner soon!", he blasts back to my son. 

"Anna is having some!", my son replies, louder this time, verbally expressing the unfairness of his sister having sweets, whilst he may not. 

"Are you aware of that?" my husband asks.

 No! I was not aware of that, I think to myself,  I am in my private space, trying to write!!  Why don't you get off your ass and handle that...

Anyhoo, then there is work.  That's been weighing me down too.  People don't like change, and I just dropped a huge crap sandwich of it on my employees' collective laps.  I have been prozac-ish, yes I meant the antidepressant, with the transition myself, attempting to model calm and positivity.  In reality, there have been moments when I have wanted to lose my shit, on their asses, but good leaders don't do that! 

It's times like these, combined with my insurance company battles (those bastards are cutting reimbursement for medical services (my line of real life work) by as much as 50%) that make me wish I worked at the Gap.  When was the last time you were happy about a 50% pay cut?  All while the premiums for the aforementioned companies increased for their customers! I'm even personally insured by one of these companies!  Oh, what a lovely day it would be when I could clock in and clock out, collect a paycheck, and schmooze all of the blandly dressed casual set, on "2 FOR 1" t-shirt day!  I would leave my job behind me when I walked out the door, and enjoy an employee discount on all of the youthful, cottony apparel I could dream of!

But alas, there isn't a Gap around here, and they pay like shit.  Not that you would guess that from the amount of money the CEO of Abercrombie bonused himself last year...a scant $26 mill.  I am sure in creating such a healthy profit mix for investors, he saw to it that clothing manufacturing remained in the US, his employees were fairly compensated, including front-line retail staff, and the prices of the clothes remained stable.  Sadly, cotton prices are rising.  Poor sod will likely see a drastic reduction in his bonus next year...or will he?  Clothing prices are rising instead.  When the company, who manufacturers oil drilling platforms, you know, the same one that made possible the worst oil disaster in US history, awarded themselves SAFETY bonuses this year, yes I am serious thank you very much, I just about lost it.  What is happening around here?  How can I talk about pubic hair when people are being so stupid?

Don't get me started on all of the insanity that is brewing around me!  How can I recommend beauty products when my home value has dropped 40%, and in all likelihood it will take the rest of my life-time for it to recover enough value to cover what I owe on it?  This while the pricks who caused the real estate bubble and burst it, enjoy record bonuses and tax protection!  Even Borders, the bookstore in bankruptcy, had a judge allow them to continue paying bonuses...to the CEOs that let them go bankrupt!  Top executive talent if you ask me.

And what about the fuckers from Fox, who told the world that the JCrew exec who painted her four year old son's toe nails cotton-candy pink was messing with his gender identity!  REALLY???  Then my son is fucked, cause he has had the same treatment plus worn his sister's dress up clothes and been slathered in make-up.  Can't we just sit around and talk about how to give a great blow-job without all the idiotic blathering!

Everyone I know is getting divorced, women in Pakistan are treated like cattle, that is, if men gang-raped cattle, and our financial future is like a bad soft porn plot... full of foreshadowing that someone is about to get fucked very very badly.  I mean really, what girl likes to be screwed like that with a dick that big???  Thanks porn industry for perpetuating bad sex!

Please excuse my raging potty mouth...when I am pissed things get cloudy.  I could go on and on over all of these things that are depressing the will to write, right the hell out of me.  "Cut it out!"  I shout once more to my ball licking dog.  "MaWWWwwmmmm!  Is dinner ready?" my son shouts.  I swear if my husband repeats this to me, from his hours old claim on the couch, I might honor kill him!  Duty calls, and I am still in a shitty mood!  We'll have to talk about blow jobs later....

Blog in Brief: Unbalanced!

Photo by DavideDC.

Ugh!  Work has taken over my life!  I have this huge project going on at work right now, leaving me with zero time for much else- family, me, exercise, me...you get the picture.  Who was I who so boldly stated that I had become my own zen-master of the balanced life?  Apparently, just like most Americans, I dropped everything in my life to handle increased work demands.  There are a plethora of statistics available that look at the ever increasing amount of time men and women spend working outside of their homes. 

The majority of American men and women, work more than forty hours per week, increasing productivity 400% since 1950 (20somethingfinance.com).  The 1950's really were Happy Days!  Addicted to money, 70% of households today, have both mom and dad working outside of the home.  The United States ranks last compared to other industrialized countries in the amount of paid vacation offered to its workers.


(Washington Post: Americans vs. Vacations: http://voices.washingtonpost.com/ezra-klein/2010/08/americans_vs_vacation.html )

Even more studies exist that explain the negative effects of overworking which include increased stress and all the fun things that go along with that, family and community break-down, even suicide!  It begs the question, "Why am I doing this?" 

Forbes magazine writes that the happiest workers are those who have control over how much they work.  When you are in a career that presses you with demands or responsibilities beyond your control or choosing, you can quickly begin to burn out and grow to resent your job.  My work project, to succeed, required me to increase my work hours, or critical deadlines for implementation would not have been met.  Had I simply ignored these duties and kept that elusive balance, the project would have failed.

I reconcile my loss of control, with the fact that this uptick in work was a one time thing, an intermittent occasion.   The reality is, that when the next "big project" surfaces, I will as readily drop my life as I have done in the past.  Someone is paying the price for these episodes...my kids, my husband, my health.  Culturally I am driven to this, as are the majority of Americans.  We work 50% harder than Europeans.  We once decried ourselves as lazy compared to our oriental counterparts, but that is myth perpetuated.  We are, in fact, sacrificing our lives for work. 

I suppose if I lived more simply, I might not feel as chained to my work responsibilities.  I shall have to ponder this...and so should you...

Blog in Brief: The Garden Needs Weeding



Photo by Paul Francis Harrison.

 Back to pubic hair for a moment....

It's been several weeks (well a couple of months) since my inaugural Brazilian wax, and I find myself missing it.  No one is more surprised about this than I.  Every bit of hair has grown back in, softer and shinier than before, and I am very much, again, a Bohemian woman.  That does not bode well for swim suit season.  Alas, it is time for me to go the way of the wax lady again, to enjoy the longevity and ease of maintaining my tortilla chip.

Besides lasting a long time, being sexy, and easy to maintain, I enjoy the hygene aspect.  It really does seem cleaner downtown...and everything just feels healthier.  As I trimmed some strays today, I realized what a pain in the ass that is!  I haven't had to do that for ages.  My scissors are dull and quite frankly I am not that flexible.  The thought of shaving it all off myself is highly unappealing, as I can only imagine the rash and ingrown hair assault I will expose my girly bits to.  No, the only right way to handle this is to wax it off again...and keep waxing.

My husband claimed to not really care...but I am certain he is lying.  If I care, he cares.  My kids never saw it...I locked the bathroom door when naked.  And it really is affordable: for my waxologist, $50.00, and it lasts a long time.  There were a few ingrown issues, but pretty minor, and regular exfoliating should take care of that.  I feel like I am in good hands with Nikki...so I feel my risk of infection or other lethal side effects is minimal.  It seems pretty common place these days...many woman I talk to are old hats at it.  Like everything girly, I am just late on the uptake.

So for me personally, I chose to wax a Brazilian...not because I have been culturally forced to, but because I actually like it.

Opposite-Sex Friends....Is it Possible?

Photo by upyernoz.

Would you be okay if your husband, wife or significant other started hanging out with someone of the opposite sex?  Most of us would have an immediate gut response to this question, with two possible answers.  The first possibility is "Of course I would!  I trust him/her completely!"  The second possibility is "No way! Men and woman can't be just friends".  Concensus on this issue is hard to find.

I have had a lot of guy friends throughout my life.  There is something enjoyable about their Mars-thinking mentality.  Most of these friendships occured before I was married. When I was younger I truly believed that these "friendships" were strictly platonic.  I truly did!  I was often surprised when my BFF guy friend suddenly tried to kiss me or asked, "Whatever happened to you and I?"  This kind of friendship confusion is common.  According to Psychologytoday.com,  "... men often misread women's friendly signals as invitations for sex".  Inherent in their biology, men know within moments of meeting a woman whether or not he would have sex with her.  The male "sex filter" is on almost constantly.  Woman, according to Dr. Clifford Lazarus, may also make this initial assessment, but are able to mute it, and focus more on the non-sexual qualities of their male friends.

Sadly, once the line of these friendships was crossed, the majority of them ended.  As one man once told me when I said we should just be friends, "I have enough friends.  I don't need one I want to fuck.'   I guess I appreciated his honesty.  I do have one friend that I have slept with in the past, and who remains a close friend (albeit we live hundreds of miles away from each other, and I haven't physically seen him in almost 6 years).  He came to my wedding, and I to his.  What was great with this friendship, is that we got the "elephant" out of the room early, and were able to see clearly, how incompatible we were romantically.  We were then able to pursue a friendship, unfettered by sexual tension, and enjoy all of the qualities about the other that had attracted us to each other in the first place.  Interestingly, since he got married, our contact with each other has diminished signficantly.

Since I have been married, I no longer foster male friendships, unless they occur along with some form of couple interaction.  My husband is the same.  I don't think this was a concious decision, it's just the way it has worked out.  Now, having met some men I find interesting, without having any prior relationship to their spouses, I have started to consider whether these types of friendships are possible.  If not, it would be sad to think that once a man and woman say "I Do", their pool of potential friendships is cut in half. 

In an LA Times article, Susan Brink writes that it is possible to be married and foster friendships with the opposite sex, but one needs to "tread carefully".   Statistically, half of all marriages end in divorce and in 15% of opposite-sex friendships, partners leave after an affair with their "friend".  Twenty to fifty percent of all marriages are subjected to an extra-marital affair.  "In part, friendship leading to romance happens because what people are looking for in a mate overlaps with what people look for in friendships" writes Ms. Brink.  Qualities that attract us to our friends, are similar to those that attracted us to our mates or previous sexual partners.

An informal poll of my own revealed some interesting points to consider.  One fellow suggested asking yourself this question before you seek out an opposite-sex friendship.  "If you lived in an alternative universe, and were no longer in your current relationship, could you see yourself pursuing a relationship with this person?"  If the answer is yes, than he suggested you need to think seriously about whether or not pursuing the friendship might be harmful to your relationship.  Ulitmately, experts agree, that your committed relationship and its' health ought to be your first priority.  Whether one or both parties entering into a friendship feels sexual attraction to the other, matters not.  For someone, the friendship is not genuinely just a friendship, and could potentially harm the main relationship.

Further discussions about this topic led to a description of scenarios whereby an opposite-sex friendship might work, outside of a couples-based friendship.  First, one's partner would have to be completely okay with it.  If one partner became uncomfortable with the friendship, it would likely have to be ended, or modified to include the spouse in more couple minded activities.  If one or both parties of the developing friendship were hideously disfigured, aka. unattractive, and there were no risks of attraction, the friendship would likely be okay.  Acquaintances are much easier to police, as there is little opportunity for inappropriate feelings to develop.

As you begin to ponder this issue, it becomes clear how complicated the answer to this question actually is.  Perhaps this is why women love having gay male friends.  They get the benefit of mostly-male-ish company, without him wanting to jump their bones, and vice versa.  All hope is not lost however.  In Ms. Brink's article, the following tips are provided (and slightly paraphrased) to help minimize the risk of crossing the opposite-sex friendship line:

1.  Have an easily accessible photo of your significant other on your person at all times.  If temptation arises, pull it out, pin it to your shirt, and talk about him or her a lot.

2.  Make a point to meet your friend's significant other, and fawn over them.  In other words, pay equal attention to each of them, even if you are drunk and their spouse is boring.

3.  Meet only in public places (between the hours of 8 am and 1 pm), and sit at different tables.  Don't stand next to each other and avoid eye contact.

4.  Don't talk about anything personal. 

5.  If people start to question your friendship, deny everything.

6.  Keep your spouse informed about every aspect of your friendship.

7.  Be clear with your new buddy, that your relationship is first, and you will drop them like a bad habit if they try to take over the lead.

Has your answer to my intial question changed at all?

Boys Will be Boys

Photo by Kelsey e.

Louann Brizendine, MD, neuropsychologist and author, sheds light on what makes men tick in her new book, "The Male Brain" (2010 Three Rivers Press).  Her life's work has sought to break down the mysteries of the driving forces behind brain centered behaviors that are unique to the sexes.  Her first and best selling book "The Female Brain", shares the evolution of women from puberty and beyond, describing in great scientific detail what is happening within a woman to drive her behaviors at various points in her life.  (A great read for both men and women.)  When she began her journey into the male psyche, she writes "...nearly everyone I consulted made the same joke "That will be a short book!  Maybe even a pamphlet".  I admit when I told people the title of the book I was reading, the majority of people came up with the same one liner.

In truth, the book the Female Brain, is longer than the Male Brain, but not by much.  It turns out, from her extensive review of literature, that men are a little more complicated than we give them credit.  My motivation to read her book came from my inability to understand the perpetual motion and impulsiveness displayed by my five year old son.  I didn't grow up with brothers, so each stage of his life is a complete mystery to me.  I describe him as a simmering volcano, always on the verge of surprise eruptions of frenzied exploration and destruction.  It's as if he is driven into action without the ability to consider consequences.  Once he starts revving his engine towards an activity, it becomes nearly impossible to stop him. 

It was with relief that I read in The Male Brain, that his fascination with weaponry and motion is completely normal.  Young boys experience their world much more physically than girls and are driven by the addictive dopamine rush gained from anticipation and reward.  Apparently little boys work on building their sense of self by farting loudly, punching and rough housing, winning and displaying stereotypical manly behaviors.  Most of these behaviours, according to Brizendine, are hard wired in a boy's brain at birth, and whether or not we deprive them of boy toys, such as toy guns, they will find ways to make their own weapons and display stereotypical boy tendencies.  Just as with girls, the degree of "boyness" can vary depending on how things went neurochemically and developmentally in the womb. 

According to the author, at around 11 years of age, my poor son will be assaulted with a 20 fold increase in his testosterone level, and his mind and body will continue down the road towards mindless ass chasing!  Well, not in one shot, but over time, this will become the ever present thought in his mind, until his testosterone levels naturally begin to decline after 40.  Teen boys have learned from their fathers and peers to hide emotion, and develop an attitude of disinterest towards almost everything.  Dr. Brizendine writes "..it takes extraordinarily intense sensations..." to interest teenage boys.  Their "reward centers", as she puts it, become very hard to stimulate.  They become easily distracted from mundane tasks and seek out more thrilling activities, like video games or surfing porn, to perk their interest.  This would be the impetus for what I like to call "stupid boy games" that are characterized by moronic risk taking challenges men play out in their youth.  Most men I have known can describe at least one of these games they played with their peers that they are lucky to have survived. ( eg. playing chicken with lawn darts)  They go to bed later and sleep longer, become territorial, and much more sensitive to peer opinions than they ever would let on.  Sadly, they also intentionally begin to distance themselves from their mothers.

As men begin to seek out sexual partners, and for the commitment types, mates, their behaviour tends to become a little more single minded.  Men apparently, devote two and half times the amount of brain space to their sexual drive and are nearly constantly thinking about sex.  The anticipation of a conquered female, or  "a little strange" fires up the male reward center, and the chase becomes all consuming.  Men are more likely to say whatever it takes to get into a woman's pants, and that is a scientific fact!  Men know almost instantly if they are attracted to a woman and have virtually no control over their blatant appreciation of other women.  I frequently find myself coaching my husband on how to decrease the obviousness of his checking out of a woman's ass as she passes by.

So far, nothing too surprising.  I read some excerpts from the book to my husband to see if he could relate to Dr. Brizendine's conclusions.  One statement in particular struck him funny, as she described a man's strategy to control early ejaculation by "solving complicated math problems" while having sex.  He denied using strategies to prolong the moment.  He did put his foot in his mouth by basically telling me, since I was old news (aka. not a new conquest), some of the early excitement and anticipation was less, and the risk of prematurely ejaculating was reduced. 

Some other interesting facts included a man's tendency towards wanting to fix a problem rather than empathize with the woman experiencing it (the exact opposite response a woman is looking for).  Some men are genetically built for monogamy while others are less so.  Men are preoccupied with social hierarchy and aggressiveness builds when they feel threatened or diminished.  Sex reduces their blood pressure and cuddling isn't a priority because they are susceptible to something the author calls "postcoital narcolepsy" (falling asleep within moments of having sex...a natural hormonal phenom).  Men highly involved in parenting their children have lower testosterone levels.  As men continue to age, and their testosterone levels reduce further, they act more like woman...well, as close as they can ever hope to, and their relationships become deeper and more committed.

There are many more great tid-bits in this book, that have increased my understanding and appreciation for the men in my life.  I now praise my son when he farts as I know the importance of this to his developing sense of self and am making a conscious effort to be less critical of my husband.  My son burped loudly after breakfast this morning and I congratulated him on having produced the loudest burp I had heard him make to date.  He beamed with pride, but perhaps I took promoting his maleness too far, as he continued to burp repeatedly for the next 15 minutes, trying to outdo himself.

 http://www.amazon.com/Male-Brain-Louann-Brizendine-M-D/dp/0767927532

Fashion Reality: 7 Do-able Fashion Trends Spring 2011

Photo by TPWP

Clothes look better on skinny people.  This is a fact of life that I have finally come to terms with. One look I love is a snugly fitted, great pair of jeans (preferably lower rise), with a cool, over-sized belt.  I just think it is so sexy...until I try it.  My muffin-top all but obscures the be-dazzled belt buckle.  I realize I love this look on flat tummied women only. What's a big girl to do?  

As I continue my quest for improved fashion know-how and the mastery of the "effortless" look (you look great all the time and it is so well done, it looks like you didn't try, you just naturally always look great!), I have been perusing the fashion guru websites, noting what is  "in" for Spring 2011.  Not a natural fashion aficionado, I struggle with the absurdity of many of the "amazing" looks strutting the runway this season.  Most of these clothes look costume-like to me.  I am certain, were I to try and mimic these looks, my casual-wear dominated, mountain towns-folk, would raise more than an eyebrow at my passing. 

Fashion reality is finding realistically wearable styles that are appropriate for your budget, body-type and lifestyle.  Buying a Burberry purse for example seem obnoxious to me, especially their signature plaid ones.  I shall never own a Versace evening dress as I never go anywhere where that level of dress is remotely appropriate.  Random acts of fashionable pairings, that just scream "trend-setting" aren't even on my radar.

So how should the average woman shop this spring season?  Following is a list of 7 trends sweeping haute couture runways everywhere!  With a little self-awareness, every girl can find reasonable style with a dash of  trendy thrown in!

1.  Shorts:  In a 2011 fashion summary on Luxist.com they state "Everyone, and we mean everyone, showed shorts in their spring collections. Whether short and roomy at Badgley Mischka or long and blouse-y at Thakoon or almost Capri-length at Ralph Lauren, shorts are going to be the get for spring."  WTF?  It's like these people just woke up and realized wearing shorts was an option.  I've already got this one covered...my challenge will be in making sure I pick the right fit and cut for my pear-shaped booty.



Photo from Harpers Bazaar: Marc by Marc Jacobs



2.  Bold Colors:  Being a tom-boy and an autumn color leaning girl, dressing like a piece of candy is a little out of my comfort zone.  Not quite neon (but I got a dollar says that neon is back in next year as we seem to be suspiciously headed back to the 80's), these trends include combining a variety of rich, vibrant colors in solid color pieces.  eg.  Completely red dress or a completely yellow top with a complimentary blue pair of shorts.  Black, brown and navy are not invited this spring.





Photo from Harper's Bazaar: Gwen Stephani L.A.M.B collection.

3.  Crazy Prints:  Here is where I will be the most challenged.  These outfits look like Picasso paintings or jazz music...all random and unpredictable.  I feel too, as a bigger girl that wild prints make me look like a walking hot air balloon.  This look includes some animal prints, which I admit I find interesting.  Florals, over-sized paisley, and geometrics in all colors dazzled the runways this spring.  Most were found on dresses, so perhaps I can find one cool, flowy, printed summer dress I can wear.





Photo from Harpers Bazaar:  Michael Kors



4. Soft and Flowing: I think this is a bit of a carry over from last year. Descriptions of this trend go so far as to call them "Pajama Dressing". Don't go running out in your flannel night gown just yet...these looks are more silky or linen-y and are styled almost like moo-moos and harem pants.




Photo from Harpers Bazaar: Elie Tahari

 
5.  Retro-Style: Hints of the 70's and 80's are creeping in this spring.  Bell bottom jeans and funky wide brimmed hats are re-appearing on high fashion runways everywhere.  Fashion is definitely cyclic and almost everything comes back into style sooner or later...harem pants, case in point. 







6. White: When is white not "in"? Just remember white is disposable (especially for us stain prone gals) so budget accordingly!

7.  Espadrilles and Flats:  Thank god these shoes scream stability!  Sure you can still be "in" with sky high heels, but these babies are easy to walk in!  Endless.com is an easy to maneuver on-line shoe store with great selection.